November 30, 2008

Horror Hotties- The Girls of True Blood

This past week or so was busy with the holiday, but now were back to it! As a little tribute to True Blood which ended last Sunday night, and in anticipation of Season 2 coming next summer, I wanted to spotlight the part of the show that truly gives it it's edge; the hot chicks*! (*Not every chick from the show is included here, just the ones that I'd really enjoy stalking.) Anna Paquin- Sookie- She's the main girl; kinda awkward, a bit strange, sweet, curious, confused, sometimes annoying... but we love her none the less. I admit that she's a bit odd looking, but that doesn't stop her from being something between cute and sexy. Carrie Preston- Arlene- The fact that Carrie Preston is married to Ben Linus from LOST, one of the best shows ever, automatically makes her aces in my book. Plus, she has a fairly cute whiskey-tango (white trash) thing about her character that makes you like her. Lizzy Caplan- Amy- I know she's dead on the show now, but damn was she ever hot. She was too sexy to die, and we will never see just how naked she would have gotten for us. Sigh. Kristin Bauer- Pam- We don't see enough of Pam on the show, but it's always nice when we do. She needs a hot vamp-human lesbian affair storyline or something... Yeah, that's it. Michelle Forbes- Maryann- Am I crazy, or does she just keep getting hotter with age? She's definitely up to no good, but I'm hoping that she's so evil that she forsakes clothes at some point... I mean we've already seen her naked with a pig... Deborah Ann Woll- Jessica- Damn, she seems to be as much trouble as she is hot, but I'm a guy, so I'm all for it. I like hot messes. I can't wait to see what they do with her.

November 29, 2008

Undead (2003)

Sub-Genre- Zombie/Comedy
In Attendance- Me, Machine, Geo and Chris (And a bunch of onlookers who sat in the kitchen and laughed at us...)
Cast Members of Note- A bunch of Aussie blokes I'm not too familiar with, and the hotness of Felicity Mason.

A small Aussie town is besieged by Zombie fish and rain that makes it burn when you pee... turning the simple-minded residents into crazed Outback Hillbilly Zombies. Also, Aliens are behind the whole thing.

"Grrrr.... oy!"
Luckily, there's a creepy redneck guy who know karate and Gun-kata who does his best to save the day! He fails of course, as his Kung-Fu is no match for the Alien invasion taking place, and everyone pretty much gets lifted into the sky, and held mid-air prisoner.

You thought I was being a smart ass didn't you? There are really aliens in this Zombie movie. Who's the smart ass now, eh?
I don't want to spoil the end of this movie, as it ends up being pretty cool, but suffice it to say that I never knew Aliens and Zombies could be friends.

There are times while watching Undead where I can't help but laugh, or say "Oh my God"; if you've seen it, then you know exactly what I mean. Despite it's heavily cheese-laden plot that runs alongside of the blood, gore, and Zombie goodness, I cant help but love the little flick.

I dare you to tell me you don't want this gun.
Why do the Brits and Aussies seem able to pull off the Horror Comedy so well, while here in the U.S. we rarely get it right? (The Slither's of the world are sadly few and far between.) I guess I'm just glad that at least somebody is getting it right.

Undead fits pretty well on the shelf with Shaun of the Dead, Severance, Slither and the like... all of which remind us that were allowed to have fun with Horror flicks now and then, and not feel guilty about it.

What is this, The Matrix?

Zombie fish... I'm half rolling my eyes, half vowing never to venture onto a lake again!

There are plenty of severed limbs, random acts of violence, and other messy undead shenanigans to keep the Gorehounds amongst us satisfied.

Nope, and what a fantastic waste of potential boobage.

Yummy... and she's a pretty good actress too. Also, boobs.
"I'll fuckin' finish you off faster than a fuckin' birthday cake at a fat chick's fuckin' birthday party!"

Rain is evil. Also, Australian people can do crazy Matrix-esque moves when surrounded by Zombies.

This is a fun type of Horror movie; definitely over the top in some aspects, and tongue-in-cheek for most of it's duration, but it's really, really fun. I urge everyone to give this one a spin in the DVD player.

B

Felicity Mason is really hot. I hope we see more of her. Naked.

November 25, 2008

Saw V... A Really Quick Review

This series needs to stop.

The traps are still cool, the blood and gore content still heavy, but can the plot get any more convoluted?

Parts of this one take place concurrently with parts of both Saw 3 and 4? And parts of it are directly related to the goings on of 1 and 2? By the end of the movie, I didn't care who had been doing what, because with all of the jumps in both plot and logic, I just wanted it to be over.

And are they serious handing the reigns over to Costas Mandylor? Can you name one thing other than Mobsters he was in that was any good? No, you sure can't. He's no Tobin Bell... and in fact, they may as well call the character Crapsaw now.

This series is starting to get as lame as an M.Night Shaymalananan movie; oooh, another breathtaking "twist" ending that leaves us feeling both underwhelmed and cheated. Yay. It's not total garbage or anything, but Saw V is light years from being as good as the first Saw was, and they really need to get back to basics with this series... because you know Saw VI is coming.

November 24, 2008

The True Blood Season Finale

I fucking love this show; I try not to use my curse words too blatantly here, but having just seen the season finale, I'm fired up. I'm also pissed. We have to wait until next summer to find out what happens next?!? Ugh.
OMG, spoilers!
**FINALE SPOILERS** We saw Rene finally revealed as the killer, almost killing Sookie and Sam, and nearly Bill by default; We saw Bill burn himself to a crisp in broad daylight trying to save Sookie; We saw Sam show his true colors by not letting Bill die; We saw Lafayette attacked, and show up two weeks later in the back seat of Andy's car, and we don't know if he's alive or dead; We saw Tara falling under Maryann's spell, and that she isn't exactly just a kind soul as she pretends to be; Sam not only knows Maryann, but she seems not to like him, and I'm wondering what he was doing with all of that money in the sack at the end; Jason has fallen under the spell of a bunch of religious nut anti-vampire freaks; We saw Terry, the shell shocked war vet make sweet with Arlene; We saw Eric and Pam dump Jessica on Bill, because she's too much for even them to handle... We saw a lot! **END FINALE SPOILERS**
Why isn't he sparkling in the sunlight like the Twilight vampires do? Oh, because he's actually a vampire.
What True Blood gave us this season: -Sookie fell in love with a vampire, Fell in love with a shape shifter, saw her grandmother die, nearly died herself, caught a murderer, got laid, and came more to grips with her abilities... -Bill fell in love with a human, nearly got drained, gave away some vampire secrets, killed one of his own, went on trial, turned a human into a bloodsucker, nearly died, and got saddled with a hot little headache... -Tara gave all kinds of attitude, slept with her boss, had an exorcism, and was rescued by a witchy woman... -Lafayette cracked me up every episode, sold some V, was really gay, had gay sex for money, laid the smack down on some cracka's, and would up in the back of a cops car... -Sam loved Sookie, annoyed me, turned into a cool little dog, banged Tara, annoyed me less, saved Sookie's life, saved Bill's life, was "found' by Tara's new friend, and ended up making me like him... -Eric ruled! -Jason annoyed me to no end... -The secondary characters mad things pretty interesting. Pam, Jessica, Eddie, Rene, Terry, Gran, Amy... the all made the show better, deeper, and just more enjoyable. -There was plenty of sex and nudity, which is something that more prime time shows desperately need!
mmmmmmm.
So what will happen next season? -What is up with Lafayette? He better not be dead!!!!!!!!!!!! -Who did Bill feed on? It better not be Lafayette! -How big of a mess is Tara Really in? Will she eat Eggs? (LOL. See what I did there?) -How does Sam know The Maenad(Maryann)? what was he doing putting all of that money in a bag? -How much trouble will Jessica cause? Will she get naked? -Will Terry (shell-shock) get lucky with Arlene? -Will Jason's douche-baggery ever end? Whether you think True Blood is the best show on TV, just decent, or you really couldn't get into it, we as horror fans all won; A major network ran a quality vampire show that met both critical and ratings success. Horror gained a little bit of credibility this fall, and not even that god-awful Twilight can taint that. (Sorry, I had to.) Thanks for giving us a great showHBO; now try not to cancel it prematurely like you did Deadwood, Rome and Carnivale.
Season 2 needs to hurry up and get here!
Me too girls, me too.

November 23, 2008

My Name is Bruce (2008)

Sub-Genre- Horror Comedy
In Attendance- Me, Machine, Chris, and Susan.
Cast Members of Note- Bruce Campbell, only one of the coolest guys ever, and some hot chick who I never knew existed named Grace Thorsen.

In thsi movie, Bruce Campbell's character is a star of a bunch of crappy B-movies, and is also a prick. His wife left him for his sleazy agent and is trying to bleed him dry, he hangs out with (pre-op) Tranny Hookers on his birthday, his dog is an alcoholic, he lives in a trailer, he drives a crappy old beat-up junker of a car... I didn't know things had been so rough for him since Evil Dead. Poor guy.

So he's kidnapped by a crazed fan to fight the Chinese God of Bean Curd Protection (yes, really), and save some Podunk little redneck town from certain doom... like, bean curd doom? Anywho, the town is full of gay cowboys, hicks, a girl with the best boobs ever, and some more hicks.

I don't want to spoil the movie here, because really there isn't much to spoil, but I will say that plenty of Demon ass is kicked!

Love the shirt.
Bruce Campbell... the name just screams goodness, doesn't it? This movie was more funny that it was horrific, but it doesn't matter; from start to finish I loved it, especially since it was being cheesy on purpose. Nobody does what Bruce does as well as he does... he's bad-ass and funny all in the same bag.But then, you already knew that.

Aside from the awesomeness that is Bruce, The next best thing about this movie is this little sassbox in the picture below; Grace Thorsen is a new Hottie to us, and she may just have the best boobs ever. She needs to get more genre work, now!

Those talents...
 
"I wish I could quit you?" Seriously?

How in the hell does pee taste like lemon water? That's just so wrong.

Despite there being all kinds of beheading and slashing, the gore was more campy that in was disturbing. If gore can be fun, then this gore was really fun. Yet gory. Whatever.

No naked goodness, but Grace Thorsen has some primo sweater monkeys that NEED to be unleashed..

"For the love of God man, I can smell her Chapstick." or "Are you ok, Honey?"

Bruce Campbell is golden in everything he touches. Also, bean curds stave off Demons. Who knew?

This movie is just a plain old fun, tongue-in-cheek, take-it-seriously-and-you're-missing-the-point, type of film experience. Bruce proves again that he's the man, and that the genre absolutely needs what he brings to the table. Go see it if you can, and grab the DVD when it hits stores!

C+

She has no idea how accurate "The Loading Zone" decal on her shirt is...

November 22, 2008

Tonight, we meet Bruce

One of the cool things (and there aren't all that many) about living in Michigan, is that when Bruce Campbell has a new movie coming out, he tends to stop by one of our local theaters here to promote them. Last time he did it was for Bubba Ho-Tep, which I missed because of work, which didn't please me too much. Well he's doing it again for My Name is Bruce, and I'm finally going to get to meet him... hopefully. A few of us from THC are heading out to the 7 P.M. screening, which promises a meet and greet and Q&A session with the man who is nothing less than a genre legend. I hope to get some pics and maybe a question or two to post here after all is said and done, so stay tuned to see what happens!

November 21, 2008

Twilight.... Am I just not getting it?

Am I the only one who thinks Twilight looks like Dawson's Creek with Vampires and Werewolves? Ok fine, it's a young adult vampire/romance novel, but it's not only kids that seem to be getting worked up over it's release today. I know of two girls in their 20's who are going Friday, and have been caught up in the immense hype hurricane that this film has spawned. Am I wrong to think that's odd? Harry Potter is a kids series, essentially, and I love those movies... so why am I sick in the ass over twilight? -Can somebody please tell me what's up with Vampires that can walk about in the daylight? Oh wait, if they can only come out at night, then there would be no story, because most teenagers have curfews. Got ya. -Does everyone in this movie have an emo vibe going on, or is it just me? -Does Kristin Stewart have more than one expression in her repertoire, or is she good with just looking forlorn all the time? -Why don't I remember Lost Boys, another hip, sexy, teen vampire movie coming off so annoyingly? -Also, did anyone else notice elements of this story basically ripped off from True Blood? The love story, sure, but the main Vamp can't read the lonely love interest's mind? And for the record, True Blood was published a few years before Twilight. The trailer looked plain horrible. The "exclusive scene" shown on The Scream Awards was laughable. The acting looks poor, the characters wooden... Although In all fairness, I do need to see the movie before I can say one way or the other for sure. What I can say however, is that the book wasn't that great: -First person bothers me; I find its narrative limited -The mixing of passive and active voice made me angry. -Tons of adverb/adjective overuse. -Info dumping... a lot was told to me, rather than me being able to see it happen. -All in all, it's obvious this book is meant for slow kids. (Then again, the author had no writing experience, and wrote it in three months, after a dream she had. You can absolutely tell.) I can't imagine that this movie won't kill at the box office; the angst of teenage love, especially when it comes to girls being torn with who to sit with in the lunchroom, is a powerful thing. Myspace, Facebook, and My Yearbook, all social sites, are FLOODED with teen girls asking "OMG, are you on team Jacob, or like. team Edward and stuff?" or "Who's going to see twilight, I am! OMG!" Judging by the level of poor grammar on display in most of these posts, it's almost like I'm picking on the special class kids, but I mean, come on. Maybe it's not for me. Maybe I'm too old, out of touch with being a kid, not girl enough, an elitist prick... Then again, I still love the hell out of The Goonies and The Monster Squad. A kids book, a childish looking movie... we will have to see if it truly does suck or not.

November 20, 2008

Solo Review- The Grapes of Death

The Grapes of Death (1978)  
Sub-Genre- Zombie/Raisin Horror  
In Attendance- Just me.  
Cast Members of Note- A bunch of French people I have never heard of in my life.  

What's it about?- Two women are taking a train to different vacation spots; one to Spain, one to see her "Winery boss" boyfriend in the French countryside. They are alone on the train, 100% completely alone (?), until a guy with a pus-filled and dripping ear gets on board and kills one of them. The other chick screams a lot, and runs for her life, right into the arms of a bunch of other rotting, melting people. 

Ladies and gentlemen: Marie, George, and Pascal. Yeah.
Apparently, the wine from the local vineyard is tainted and turning everyone into stark raving mad zombies, much like Mad Dog 20/20 does; a husband kills wife and molests/kills his daughter; a father nails his blind daughter to a door and cuts her head off while screaming "I love you!"; a retarded guy bangs his forehead off of a car window, getting oozing pus everywhere... so basically, it's a love story.

I don't know about you, but I'd trust her.
I won't spoil the ending here, mainly because it confused me too much and I have no idea how to spoil this movie for anyone, but suffice it to say that wine is the Devil's tool, and apparently, so are grapes.

The Good- This is one of those movies that I like because it reminds me of other horror from the late 70's/early 80's, and not necessarily because it was all that great. It was however, despite its slow pace and a story that didn't always make much sense, a fun ride to take.

Because I had no idea what in the hell was going on, that's why.
I always praise Euro-Horror for getting certain things right; they do gore and atmosphere perfectly in most cases, but the trade off is usually lack of a coherent narrative and cheesy acting. That's exactly what we have here.

The Bad- I used to love grapes... 

"You take the good, you take the bad. You take them both and there you have, The Grapes of Death."
The Downright Horrendous- What in the hell was with that ending? Ugh, the French !  

The Gory- Pitchforks in chests, people nailed to doors, some beheading, shootings, rotting and dripping flesh... This movie doesn't skimp on the bloody stuff. 

"I love you!"
The Naked- It's a French movie, of course there was bound to be nudity; Le boobs, and Le kitty. It was all kinda gross though...  

Best Line- Something about grapes... I can't remember.  

What did we learn?- Grapes are evil. Also, France is a creepy country to travel in.  

C This one gets a solid C, because it's solidly decent, while being nothing spectacular. If you're in the mood for some nonsensical, old school Euro-Horror, check it out... And why not have a glass of wine while you do!  

We'd never fall victim to the evil in this movie, because we have our own secret weapon against evil grapes!