Horror Hotties- The Girls of True Blood

This past week or so was busy with the holiday, but now were back to it!


As a little tribute to True Blood which ended last Sunday night, and in anticipation of Season 2 coming next summer, I wanted to spotlight the part of the show that truly gives it it's edge; the hot chicks*!

(*Not every chick from the show is included here, just the ones that I'd really enjoy stalking.)


Anna Paquin- Sookie- She's the main girl; kinda awkward, a bit strange, sweet, curious, confused, sometimes annoying... but we love her none the less. I admit that she's a bit odd looking, but that doesn't stop her from being something between cute and sexy.


Carrie Preston- Arlene- The fact that Carrie Preston is married to Ben Linus from LOST, one of the best shows ever, automatically makes her aces in my book. Plus, she has a fairly cute whiskey-tango (white trash) thing about her character that makes you like her.


Lizzy Caplan- Amy- I know she's dead on the show now, but damn was she ever hot. She was too sexy to die, and we will never see just how naked she would have gotten for us. Sigh.


Kristin Bauer- Pam- We don't see enough of Pam on the show, but it's always nice when we do. She needs a hot vamp-human lesbian affair storyline or something... Yeah, that's it.


Michelle Forbes- Maryann- Am I crazy, or does she just keep getting hotter with age? She's definitely up to no good, but I'm hoping that she's so evil that she forsakes clothes at some point... I mean we've already seen her naked with a pig...


Deborah Ann Woll- Jessica- Damn, she seems to be as much trouble as she is hot, but I'm a guy, so I'm all for it. I like hot messes. I can't wait to see what they do with her.

Undead

Undead
Sub-Genre- Zombie/Comedy

In Attendance- Me, Machine, Geo and Chris (And a bunch of onlookers who sat in the kitchen and laughed at us...)

Cast Members of Note- A bunch of Aussie blokes I'm not too familiar with, and the hotness of Felicity Mason.

What's it about?- A small Aussie town is besieged by zombie fish and rain that makes it burn when you pee... turning the simple minded residents into crazed outback hillbilly zombies. Also, aliens are behind the whole thing.

Wargarbl!
Luckily, there's a creepy redneck guy who know karate and Gun-kata who does his best to save the day! He fails of course, as his kung-fu is no match for the alien invasion taking place, and everyone pretty much gets lifted into the sky, and held at the alien's whim.

You thought I was being a smart ass didn't you? There are really aliens in this zombie movie. Who's the smart ass now, eh?
I don't want to spoil the end of this movie, as what is going on is pretty cool, but suffice it to say that I never knew aliens and zombies could be friends.

The Good- There are times while watching Undead where I can't help but laugh, or say "Oh my god"; if you've seen it, then you know exactly what I mean. Despite it's heavily cheese-laden plot that runs along side of the blood, gore, and zombie goodness, I cant help but love the little flick.

I dare you to tell me you don't want this gun.
Why do the Brit's and Aussie's seem able to pull off the horror comedy so well, while here in the U.S. we rarely get it right? (The Slither's and Feast's of the world are sadly few and far between here in the U.S. of A.) I'm just glad that somebody is getting it right...

Undead fits pretty well on the shelf with Shaun of the Dead, Severance, Slither, My Name is Bruce... All of which remind us that were allowed to have fun with horror flicks now and then, and not feel guilty about it.

The Bad- What is this, The Matrix?

The Downright Horrendous- Zombie fish... I'm half rolling my eyes, half vowing never to venture onto a lake again!

The Gory- There are plenty of severed limbs, random acts of violence, and other messy undead shenanigans to keep the gore hounds amongst us satisfied.

The Naked- Nope, and there were some nice boobies we could have seen too!

Yummy... and she's a pretty good actress too. Also, boobs.
Best Line- "I'll fuckin' finish you off faster than a fuckin' birthday cake at a fat chick's fuckin' birthday party!"

What did we learn?- Rain is evil. Also, Australian people can do crazy Matrix-esque moves when surrounded by zombies.

Rating- B This is a fun type of horror movie; definitely over the top in some aspects, and tongue in cheek for most of it's duration, but it's really, really fun. I urge everyone to give this one a spin in the DVD player.

Final Thoughts- Felicity Mason is really hot. I hope we see more of her.

She's in this.

Saw V... A Really Quick Review

This series needs to stop.

The traps are still cool, the blood and gore content still heavy, but can the plot get any more convoluted?

So parts of this one takes place concurrently with parts of both 3 and 4? And parts of it are directly related to the goings on of 1 and 2? By the end of the movie, I didn't care who had been doing what, because with all of the jumps in both plot and logic, I just wanted it to be over.

And are they serious handing the reigns over to Costas Mandylor? Can you name one thing other than Mobsters he was in that was any good? No, you sure can't. He's no Tobin Bell... and in fact, they may as well call the character Crapsaw now.

This series is starting to get as lame as an M.Night Shaymalananan movie; oooh, another breathtaking "Twist" ending that leaves us feeling both underwhelmed and cheated. Yay.

It's not total garbage or anything, but Saw V is light years from being as good as the first Saw was, and the really need to get back to basics... because you know Saw VI is coming.

The True Blood Season Finale

I fucking love this show; I try not to use my curse words too blatantly here, but having just seen the season finale, I'm fired up. I'm also pissed. We have to wait until next summer to find out what happens next?!? Ugh.

OMG, spoilers!
**FINALE SPOILERS**
We saw Rene finally revealed as the killer, almost killing Sookie and Sam, and nearly Bill by default; We saw Bill burn himself to a crisp in broad daylight trying to save Sookie; We saw Sam show his true colors by not letting Bill die; We saw Lafayette attacked, and show up two weeks later in the back seat of Andy's car, and we don't know if he's alive or dead; We saw Tara falling under Maryann's spell, and that she isn't exactly just a kind soul as she pretends to be; Sam not only knows Maryann, but she seems not to like him, and I'm wondering what he was doing with all of that money in the sack at the end; Jason has fallen under the spell of a bunch of religious nut anti-vampire freaks; We saw Terry, the shell shocked war vet make sweet with Arlene; We saw Eric and Pam dump Jessica on Bill, because she's too much for even them to handle... We saw a lot!
**END FINALE SPOILERS**

Why isn't he sparkling in the sunlight like the Twilight vampires do? Oh, because he's actually a vampire.
What True Blood gave us this season:
-Sookie fell in love with a vampire, Fell in love with a shape shifter, saw her grandmother die, nearly died herself, caught a murderer, got laid, and came more to grips with her abilities...
-Bill fell in love with a human, nearly got drained, gave away some vampire secrets, killed one of his own, went on trial, turned a human into a bloodsucker, nearly died, and got saddled with a hot little headache...
-Tara gave all kinds of attitude, slept with her boss, had an exorcism, and was rescued by a witchy woman...
-Lafayette cracked me up every episode, sold some V, was really gay, had gay sex for money, laid the smack down on some cracka's, and would up in the back of a cops car...
-Sam loved Sookie, annoyed me, turned into a cool little dog, banged Tara, annoyed me less, saved Sookie's life, saved Bill's life, was "found' by Tara's new friend, and ended up making me like him...
-Eric ruled!
-Jason annoyed me to no end...
-The secondary characters mad things pretty interesting. Pam, Jessica, Eddie, Rene, Terry, Gran, Amy... the all made the show better, deeper, and just more enjoyable.
-There was plenty of sex and nudity, which is something that more prime time shows desperately need!

mmmmmmm.
So what will happen next season?
-What is up with Lafayette? He better not be dead!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Who did Bill feed on? It better not be Lafayette!
-How big of a mess is Tara Really in? Will she eat Eggs? (LOL. See what I did there?)
-How does Sam know The Maenad(Maryann)? what was he doing putting all of that money in a bag?
-How much trouble will Jessica cause? Will she get naked?
-Will Terry (shell-shock) get lucky with Arlene?
-Will Jason's douche-baggery ever end?

Whether you think True Blood is the best show on TV, just decent, or you really couldn't get into it, we as horror fans all won; A major network ran a quality vampire show that met both critical and ratings success. Horror gained a little bit of credibility this fall, and not even that god-awful Twilight can taint that. (Sorry, I had to.)

Thanks for giving us a great showHBO; now try not to cancel it prematurely like you did Deadwood, Rome and Carnivale.

Season 2 needs to hurry up and get here!
Me too girls, me too.

My Name is Bruce (2008)

My Name is Bruce (2008)
Sub-Genre- Horror Comedy

In Attendance- Me, Machine, Chris, and Susan.

Cast Members of Note- Bruce Campbell, only one of the coolest guys ever, and some hot chick who I never knew existed named Grace Thorsen.

What's it about?- Basically, Bruce Campbell is a star of crappy b-movies, and is also a prick. His wife left him for his sleazy agent and is trying to bleed him dry, (pre-op) tranny hookers show up on his doorstep on his birthday, his dog is an alcoholic, he lives in a trailer, drives a crappy old beat up junker of a car... I didn't know things had been so rough for him since Evil Dead. Poor guy.

So he's kidnapped by a crazed fan to fight the Chinese god of bean curd protection, and save some podunk little redneck town. The town is full of gay cowboys, hicks, a girl with the best boobs ever, and more hicks.

Love the shirt.
I don't want to spoil the movie here, because really there isn't much to spoil, but I will say that demon ass is kicked!

The Good- Bruce Campbell... the name just screams goodness, doesn't it? This movie was more funny that horrific, but it doesn't matter; from start to finish I loved it, especially since it was being cheesy on purpose. Nobody does what Bruce does as well as he does... Bad ass and funny all in the same bag.

I think I'm in love.
The next best thing about this movie, aside from it being funny as hell and starring The Chin, is this little phillie in the picture above; Grace Thorsen is a hottie, and she may have the best boobs ever. She needs to get more genre work, now!

The Bad- "I wish I could quit you?" Seriously?

The Downright Horrendous- How in the hell does pee taste like lemon water? That's just so wrong.

The Gory- Despite there being all kinds of beheading's and slashing's, the gore was more campy that in was disturbing. If gore can be fun, then this gore was really fun. Yet gory. Whatever.

The Naked- No naked goodness, but Grace Thorsen has some sweater monkeys that NEED to be unleashed...


Best Line- "For the love of god man, I can smell her Chapstick." or "Are you ok, Honey?"

What did we learn?- Bruce Campbell is gold in everything he touches. Also, bean curds stave off demons. Who knew?

Rating- B+ This movie is just a plain old fun, tongue in cheek, take-it-seriously-and-you're-missing-the-point, type of film experience. Bruce proves again that he's the man, and that the genre absolutely needs what he brings to the table. Go see it if you can, and grab the DVD when it hits stores!

Final Thoughts-

Hail to the king, baby!

Tonight, we meet Bruce

One of the cool things (and there aren't all that many) about living in Michigan, is that when Bruce Campbell has a new movie coming out, he tends to stop by one of our local theaters here to promote them. Last time he did it was for Bubba Ho-Tep, which I missed because of work, which didn't please me too much. Well he's doing it again for My Name is Bruce, and I'm finally going to get to meet him... hopefully.

A few of us from THC are heading out to the 7 P.M. screening, which promises a meet and greet and Q&A session with the man who is nothing less than a genre legend.

I hope to get some pics and maybe a question or two to post here after all is said and done, so stay tuned to see what happens!

Twilight.... Am I just not getting it?

Am I the only one who thinks Twilight looks like Dawson's Creek with Vampires and Werewolves?

Ok fine, it's a young adult vampire/romance novel, but it's not only kids that seem to be getting worked up over it's release today. I know of two girls in their 20's who are going Friday, and have been caught up in the immense hype hurricane that this film has spawned. Am I wrong to think that's odd? Harry Potter is a kids series, essentially, and I love those movies... so why am I sick in the ass over twilight?

-Can somebody please tell me what's up with Vampires that can walk about in the daylight? Oh wait, if they can only come out at night, then there would be no story, because most teenagers have curfews. Got ya.
-Does everyone in this movie have an emo vibe going on, or is it just me?
-Does Kristin Stewart have more than one expression in her repertoire, or is she good with just looking forlorn all the time?
-Why don't I remember Lost Boys, another hip, sexy, teen vampire movie coming off so annoyingly?
-Also, did anyone else notice elements of this story basically ripped off from True Blood? The love story, sure, but the main Vamp can't read the lonely love interest's mind? And for the record, True Blood was published a few years before Twilight.

The trailer looked plain horrible. The "exclusive scene" shown on The Scream Awards was laughable. The acting looks poor, the characters wooden... Although In all fairness, I do need to see the movie before I can say one way or the other for sure.

What I can say however, is that the book wasn't that great:
-First person bothers me; I find its narrative limited
-The mixing of passive and active voice made me angry.
-Tons of adverb/adjective overuse.
-Info dumping... a lot was told to me, rather than me being able to see it happen.
-All in all, it's obvious this book is meant for slow kids. (Then again, the author had no writing experience, and wrote it in three months, after a dream she had. You can absolutely tell.)

I can't imagine that this movie won't kill at the box office; the angst of teenage love, especially when it comes to girls being torn with who to sit with in the lunchroom, is a powerful thing. Myspace, Facebook, and My Yearbook, all social sites, are FLOODED with teen girls asking "OMG, are you on team Jacob, or like. team Edward and stuff?" or "Who's going to see twilight, I am! OMG!" Judging by the level of poor grammar on display in most of these posts, it's almost like I'm picking on the special class kids, but I mean, come on.

Maybe it's not for me. Maybe I'm too old, out of touch with being a kid, not girl enough, an elitist prick... Then again, I still love the hell out of The Goonies and The Monster Squad.

A kids book, a childish looking movie... we will have to see if it truly does suck or not.

Solo Review- The Grapes of Death

The Grapes of Death (1978)
Sub-Genre- Zombie/Raisin Horror

In Attendance- Just me.

Cast Members of Note- A bunch of French people I have never heard of in my life.

What's it about?- Two women are taking a train to different vacation spots; one to Spain, one to see her "Winery boss" boyfriend in the French countryside. They are alone on the train, 100% completely alone (?), until a guy with a pus-filled and dripping ear get's on board and kills one of them. The other chick screams a lot, and runs for her life, right into the arms of a bunch of other rotting, melting people.

Ladies and gentlemen: Marie, George, and Pascal. Yeah.
Apparently, the wine from the local vineyard is tainted and turning everyone into stark raving mad zombies, much like Mad Dog 20/20 does. A husband kills wife and molests/kills his daughter; A father nails his blind daughter to a door and cuts her head off while screaming "I love you!"; a retarded guy bangs his forehead off of a car window, getting oozing pus everywhere... basically, it's a love story.

I don't know about you, but I'd trust her.
I won't spoil the ending here, mainly because it confused me too much, but suffice it to say that wine is the Devil's. tool.

The Good- This is one of those movies that I like because it reminds me of other horror from the late 70's/early 80's, not necessarily because it was all that great. It was however, despite its slow pace and a story that didn't always make much sense, a fun ride.

Because I had no idea what in the hell was going on, that's why.
I always praise Euro-Horror for getting certain things right; they do gore and atmosphere perfectly in most cases, but the trade off is usually lack of a coherent narrative and cheesy acting. That's exactly what we have here.

The Bad- I used to love grapes...


The Downright Horrendous- What in the hell was with that ending? Ugh, the French!

The Gory- Pitchforks in chests, people nailed to doors, beheadings, shootings, rotting and dripping flesh... This movie doesn't skimp on the bloody stuff.


The Naked- It's a French movie, of course there was bound to be nudity; Le boobs, and Le kitty. It was all kinda gross though...

Best Line- Something about grapes... I can't remember.

What did we learn?- Grapes are evil. Also, France is a creepy country to travel in.

Rating- C This one get's a solid C, because it's solidly decent, while being nothing spectacular. If you're in the mood for some nonsensical, old school Euro-Horror, check it out... And why not have a glass of wine while you do!

Final Thoughts- We have our own secret weapon against evil grapes!

Trailer Park of Terror... A really quick review

You know, I wasn't even going to review this movie; the title alone gave me fits and almost kept me from watching it as it is. I gave in though, for some reason, and I was actually surprised at what I saw... The movie was pretty decent.

Don't get me wrong, Trailer Park of Terror isn't anything to write home about, but neither is it a crap fest of B-movie crap that I was expecting. Ok, it is a B-movie, but it's a pretty well made and watchable one.


-Trace Adkins as The Devil... how can you not love that?
-All kinds of blood and gore.
-Slutty chicks.
-White trash stereotypes galore! I love making fun of the Whiskey-Tango's.
-Well shot, fairly well acted, even if the script was a little lacking.

C- You can do way worse than renting this if you're not sure what to grab from the video store, and if you don't expect too much, you may just like it. Especially if you like Trace Adkins and trailer parks.

She's in this... yum.

Solo Review- Let the Right One In (2008)

Let the Right One In (2008)
Sub-Genre- Vampire/Teen Horror

In Attendance- Me

Cast Members of Note- The young, Swedish talents of Kare Hedebrant and Lina Leandersson.

What's it about?- This is the story of 12 year old Oskar, who is bullied daily and suffers all of the other normal adolescent growing pains of childhood as well; and Eli, who is also 12... more or less, and suffering growing pains of her own, but mainly because she is a vampire.

When Eli catches Oskar stabbing a tree, the two begin a friendship that involves blood, murder and all sorts of other creepy shit. Really though, a 12 year old kid stabbing a tree and asking it "Are you looking at me?" is the creepiest thing of all.


I don't want to spoil too much, but I will say that Sweden is pretty cool, and swimming pools can be pretty damn brutal.

The Good- Lat Den Ratte Komma In is sweet, disturbing, sad, brutal, beautiful, shocking and an overall inspired film. I dare say that it's a work of art. Everything seemed perfect to me when I watched it; from the camera work, to the story; the mood, to the acting. This was a vampire movie, and it had a ton of horror elements to it, but I didn't feel like I was watching a horror movie at all...

There are some elements of the movie that I won't get into here to remain spoiler free, but I will say that it surprised me on many levels.


It's amazing to me how a horror movie made in 2008 can be as effective as it is brilliant and not have jump scares, quick cut scares, lame characters, nonsensical situations, a twist ending, a jump cut quick scare twist ending... oh wait, this wasn't made in Hollywood. Then again it's not totally Hollywood's fault; American audiences are fairly dumb to begin with... That's why we'll have Saw 14 eventually.

Horror flick, love story, coming of age story, vampire movie... Let the Right One In is all of those, and more. You really need to see it to understand.

And for the record, I absolutely loved the last 15 minutes of this movie. I actually cheered.

I really did cheer.
The Bad- The worst part about this movie was that it ended. I wish it had been three hours long instead of two.

The Downright Horrendous- Not even a year old, and Hollywood already wants to remake this movie. Can't the morons who green light movies just release this instead of fucking with a near perfect film remaking it? Of course not. Assholes.

The Gory- Bloodletting, blood drinking, acid eaten faces, severed limbs, people bursting into flames... this movie has it's fair share of gore.

The Naked- Oddly enough, we get to see a 12 year old's hooha... I'm hoping it was CGI.

Best Line- "I'm 12... more or less."

What did we learn?- Childhood sucks. Also, don't ever break into a vampire's apartment... even in the daylight. Also, bullies never win.

Rating- A+ This movie is a masterpiece, and one of the best movies of the year, and not just of the horror variety. You owe it to yourself to see this as soon as possible. Now. Go!

Final Thoughts- Brilliant.

I F'ing love Sweden.

After seeing my first Swedish horror film recently, the teen vampire movie Let the Right One In, I have officially fallen in love with Sweden. Well, I loved Sweden a lot before, but now it's... let me explain.

I'm a huge hockey fan. My Detroit Red Wings, the best NHL team ever (don't correct me), have been making me cheer for nearly 3 decades. What's this got to do with Sweden you ask? Well half of our team is filled with Swedes, and they all rock!

I love you Lidstrom. Yes, even you, Lilja.
Let's not forget that Swedish chicks are really hot too. Have you ever seen an ugly one? Plus, they kinds look like they're easy. And hot.


Know why that guy in the picture is smiling? Because he's Swedish. Also, a pedophile.
Also, I just think Swedish people seem fun. Sure, this guy may be smiling because all of that year-round snow drove him insane, but maybe it's because he lives in an awesome land!


Finally, how can we forget one of the best foods ever:


Add all of the above to the fact that they may just have produced the best horror flick of the year, and Sweden just makes me happy.

TV Review- True Blood Ep. 11

Well it really hit the fan tonight! It's hard to believe that there's only one week left in the season, and I have this odd feeling that were going to be left saying WTF?!? until next summer with some of the things that are going to happen. Damn HBO.

T-R-O-U-B-L-E
!!!!!WARNING: SPOILERS IN PICTURES!!!!!
What I liked:
Bill's sentence. Very interesting.
Eric. I wanna see just how bad ass he really is.
The killer finally being revealed...
Finding out exactly how a vamp turns a human.

Bad-assery!
What I didn't:
The chick who bailed Tara out. She makes me feel uneasy.
Jessica. Something tells me she's going to be bad news.
Sookie's attitude! How could she do that to Bill?!?
Cleaning up Eddie. Eeew.
Someone dying, and I'm not sure if I liked them or not...

Hmm...
Best Line:
"You know, like a crazy ass, muh fuckin' Paul Bunyon pig."

I do not trust this woman!
Next week is the Season finale already (HBO, can you maybe do more than these crappy 12 episode seasons?!?!?!?!), and the preview looks good!!!

-It looks like Tara is in some deep trouble...
-Jason is in jail, and being recruited by an anti-vampire zealot group...
-We know who the killer is, and it looks like Sookie finds out soon too...
-We saw a quick cut of Bill fighting off sunlight!!!
-People might die!!!

Good god I cant wait, although I'll be sad when we get no more episodes until next summer.

Why is Sookie in a grave next episode?