Theatrical Review: The Last House on the Left (2009)

Perhaps one of the best horror remakes I've seen...

In Attendance- Me, and some guy two rows up that kept rubbing his crotch with his popcorn bag...
Cast Members of Note- The always awesome Tony Goldwyn, the always hot Monica Potter, the totally legal Sara Paxton, creepy Garret Dillahunt, and Superbad Martha MacIssac.

A family goes on a retreat to their lake house (the last one on the left) after their eldest child dies, to get their heads straight and have some "me" time. In a smart move, the 17-year-old daughter takes off into town, hooks up with her slutty, drug-addict friend, and they hook up with a kid who looks like a serial killer... based on his promise of some good weed.

Seems legit.

The creepy kid's family is also on a retreat... from the law! When they interrupt the weed fest/makeover/potential threesome, everything goes to hell for the dumb girls. Violence, rape, and murder ensues.

Oh yeah, I'd let them in.

After "taking care" of the girls, the creepy family heads to the good family's house for some medical attention, hot cocoa, and some much needed R & R. It's not long before the good family realizes what happened to their baby girl, and decides to fuck the creepy family up. I won't spoil what happens next for you here, but suffice it to say that the mighty hammer of justice swings, destroying everything in its path.

Oh man, that creepy family is so screwed!

This is not a date movie. It's nasty, uncomfortable, hard to watch in parts, and extremely violent. It's also a hell of a film which is acted and directed to near perfection, and ends up being satisfying in just about every way imaginable. I personally think it improves on the original in many ways, but then again it's a different era and the remake sets a different tone.

I give a lot of credit to Sara Paxton for taking a role that must have been excruciatingly hard to play in some parts, and acing it. I also love Tony Goldwyn; he's always good in whatever role he plays and he's near flawless as the dad in this. Monica Potter rocked too. Plus, she's as hot as her on-screen daughter is, so double bonus for us. Garret Dillahunt played the updated version of Krug rather convincingly as well; somewhat likable, totally loathsome, and just nasty. Great job.

Dennis Iliadis directed the hell out of this movie, and he has a bright future ahead of him. He created a dark and foreboding atmosphere, and made the story believable. Most bigger-budget American Made Horror films fail to reach this level or craft and realism anymore. Kudos my good sir.

She looks so peaceful...

How stupid are Teenage girls? I know that question can often times be rhetorical, but in this case, I need to know. A random, shady-looking stranger kid comes into your store, offers you weed, and you close up shop, head to his dirty motel room, and give him a makeover? If that doesn't spell "potential rape," I don't know what does.

Beautiful, but dim.

Watching your friend be stabbed multiple times, then being raped while you watch her lay there and die... That's beyond F'd up.

Creepiest car ride ever.

Rape, impromptu stitches, stabbing, nose breaking/tweaking, and all kinds of miscellaneous havoc is wreaked by some pissed-off parents!

So, how was the weed?

 

This movie made me afraid to think of anything sexual while watching it. There are some boobs though. And a butt cheek.

She can stay in there all day and she'll still be dirty.

"Do you want to know how tight your little Homecoming Queen was?"

Never rape someone's daughter then sleep at her parents house. Also, never run off to smoke weed with random, skanky-looking kids.

So... HOW WAS THE WEED?!?

 

This is a superb remake which surpasses the original in many ways, and still manages to be a good movie all on its own. Catch it in Theaters if you haven't already, or grab it when it hits DVD later this year.

A

The Last House on the Left is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

My room is the last one on the left, ladies.

DVD Review: The Children (2009)

Cast Members of Note- The lovely Hannah Tointon, Rachel Shelley, and Eva Birthistle. Also, a gaggle of really creepy kids.

Two families gather to celebrate the holidays in the quaint and gorgeous countryside of England... and if you've seen any type of European Horror films lately, then you know that absolutely nothing good will come of this holiday gathering.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet "nothing good."

Upon arriving, one of the kids notices something odd in the brush, and goes to investigate, soon after which he gets sick and starts acting all kinds of weird. It spreads quickly to the other kids, and though they act odd and even mildly crazy, the adults don't seem to notice at all... maybe because they're too busy drinking and having fun to see that they're all about to die.

"Um, are the kids acting a bit... screw it, let's do more shots!"

It's not long before a series of "accidents" begins to befall the adults, and everyone devolves into a state of retarded confusion. The oldest child, teenager Casey, knows something is up though; Goth kids have a sixth sense about evil children. Wikipedia says so.

I won't spoil the rest of what happens for you here, but suffice it to say that the shit hits every type of fan ever made, and the f'ing air conditioner too.

"These kids are creepier than I am, and I'm Goth!"

Dread and unease permeate this movie and never really seem to let up, and neither does the vicious violence and gore. When all of those elements are mixed together, they basically have a square dance on your nuts until you end up hiding in your closet and crying like a small child. Alright, I may be exaggerating just a tiny bit, but this is one taxing movie, and that's no joke.

I have no words to describe this scene, nor the hinted-at subplot which inspired it.

This movie is profoundly disturbing, and left us feeling a bit numb at the end. It only give us bits and pieces of reasons why the children turned on their parents, and that may be the worst part of the whole affair. Actually, the worst part is probably the fact that 6 and 7-year-old kids are hell-bent on killing their parents, but not knowing why is still a pretty big deal.

The ending was one of the best we've seen in quite a while too. It came out of nowhere, and chilled us to the bone. It also left us with questions which we wish we had definitive answers too, but hey, at least it made us think.

"Like seriously, WTF?!?"

Great Britain has hippies? Yes they do! I thought it was a California Dreamin' thing myself, but I guess the Bohemian lifestyle is lame enough for any country. "We don't hit children around here," one of the Brit-Hippies says to his brother-in-law. How very progressive of you, old chap! Too bad that hitting them may have saved your life. Or maybe it would have taken stabbing them. I'm just saying let's use some some sort of physical violence on the little bastards, and live!

Kill them all.

How can you just leave your wife, and I mean literally walk out on her, in the middle of such a whirlwind of terrifying kiddie carnage? "Stay here bitch, I'm pretty much done with you?" That's cold. Thankfully, karma is a mighty, mighty bitch.

In fact, I think that's karma all over that window...

This movie has plenty of child violence, both done by them and too them. Most of it is genuinely unsettling, especially if you love kids, so be warned. Luckily for us, we hate kids, so...

Advanced Time-Out.

No, but we do get a scantily clad MILF in lingerie, and a hot Goth Schoolgirl in a short skirt. So, cheers!

Totty.

"I told you he was a knob" or "I'm taking care of mother!"

Kids suck. Also, stay out of the European countryside... I've told you this before, people!

So that's actually her uncle. Yeah.

This was a well-crafted and genuinely terrifying movie, the remnants of which will stay with you long after you've finished watching. It's on Region 2 DVD now, but a U.S. Blu-ray/DVD release will happen soon enough. Either way, definitely see this one as soon as you can.

A

The Children is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, or VOD.

God do I ever love British women.