VOD Review: Jeruzalem (2016)

"The part with Jewish Colverfield was cool. We'd watch a whole movie about him."

So not only is Jeruzalem a Found Footage flick, which presents its own set of unique problems, but it's one that felt the need to jump on the "technology appearing on-screen" bandwagon, which does it no favors either.  

We didn't hate the movie, but all of the Facebook posts, text messages, random songs, Wikipedia, cat videos, etc... all popping up on-screen at different times got annoying, and felt like a cheap gimmick after about 10 minutes.

#Horror, L.A. Slasher, and Unfriended all utilized that crap to different degrees, and in different ways, and they all sucked.


Jeruzalem reminded us more of its Apocalyptic Found Footage kin As Above, So Below (which we actually liked) than it did any of those aforementioned travesties though, so at least there's that.

After receiving a pair of Smart Glass glasses from her Father, Sarah and her friend Rachel decide to take a trip to Tel Aviv, Israel, which sounds like a great party destination (please note sarcasm) for two young girls from L.A. While on the plane, they meet a sexy, mysterious history student (or maybe he just really likes history), who convinces the girls to forget Tel Aviv and come with him to Jerusalem, because that's obviously a much bigger party town. They gladly accept.

YOU DUMB, DUMB AMERICAN GIRL.

In Jerusalem, they find a hostel run by a shady playboy named Omar, who offers the girls hashish, and clearly has a plan to impregnate the stupid blonde one, because she's obviously a whore. I mean, she has a boyfriend back home who she says she's crazy about, but then is all like "Let's live a little" once she's out of his sight, which apparently means "I'm going to bang some random dudes in Israel!"

LIVING THE STEREOTYPE.

Anyway, while the girls party with Omar and History Guy, things begin to happen in the city around them involving the Israeli Air Force dropping bombs; the Jewish version of Cloverfield roaming around and crushing everything in its path; and a bunch of Demons coming out of a gateway to Hell, and eating people to death. So the basic lesson here is don't be a whore in Jerusalem or else you'll open up a Gateway to Hell and doom everyone around you to a painful death.

Shaky-Cam Armageddon ensues.

SO, THAT'S LIKE A BIBLICAL STD OR SOMETHING, RIGHT?

We really liked the parts of this movie that worked. The idea that Jerusalem is a gateway to hell is pretty interesting, and we love the idea of seeing what would happen when that gateway opens up. The almost claustrophobic location of the backstreets of Jerusalem made an excellent setting for such a story, as it really is a beautiful, unique city.

The Demons in this movie looked pretty cool, and whatever that massive, Cloverfield-like Demon that was roaming the streets was awesome (too bad they didn't do more with that.)

We also liked how the movie used Smart Glass as the device to make its First Person POV aspects a bit more believable. The movie still fell victim to the usual "Why are they still filming?!?" trope that drives us endlessly mad, but at least it felt more plausible here.

THAT THING WAS AWESOME.

All of that said...

It really annoys us when people in a Horror movie act as if they've never seen a Horror movie before. Has one of the Gates of Hell opened up nearby, and are you being chased by the Demons that are pouring out of it? Well, no need for silence while you're trying to avoid them and hide, because maybe they're deaf or something. Go ahead and talk loudly, maybe even scream. There's nothing unrealistic about that.

Dumb, unrealistic decisions were made by the characters throughout. 

EXACTLY. SHUT UP!

As with most Found Footage movies, the problems of Jeruzalem lie in its mechanics. Alright, so the girl is wearing glasses made of Smart Glass (which explains the camera constantly filming everything), but we sure did see a lot of things that she probably wouldn't be looking at. In one scene, she and two others are riding bicycles (?!?) to escape some Demons or something, and instead of her looking straight ahead -because you'd think that the narrow, dark, uneven streets ahead of her would command her attention, especially when she's terrified and fleeing impending doom at a brisk speed- we see her handle bars, and then her looking over to her friends when they speak, which causes her to crash the bike.

That's only one example, but things like that happen throughout the movie. 

I get that it's a POV-style movie, and only seeing what she sees in front of her would get old pretty quick, but that doesn't excuse how cheap and gimmicky it felt at times.

SO SHE SET HER GLASSES ON THE GROUND, FACING UPWARDS?

Oh, and the "I miss my brother so much" plot twist, which wasn't ever developed all that much, but that you could still see coming from a mile away, went absolutely nowhere. And don't even get us started on the ending. What in the hell was that?

FACT: ISRAELI SPECIAL FORCES ARE SO GOOD THAT THEY DON'T EVEN LOOK AT WHAT THEY'RE SHOOTING AT.

American girls should never travel abroad. Also, Your little princess isn't sleeping, Dad, she's getting stuck like a slutty pincushion.

SURE, DAD. SHE'S SLEEPING. RIGHT.

Jeruzalem was entertaining enough. We liked its premise, and we loved some of the monsters that we saw (especially that giant), but in the end, what could have been a great movie was done in by the same old, stale Found Footage tropes that we've really come to hate over the past few years.

If you don't mind the issues that are present in most Found Footage/POV flicks, then this one is decent enough for you to rent.

C

Jeruzalem is available now in Limited Theatrical release, and on VOD.

Yael Grobglas is in this. She's also got her own little Horror Hottie post right over HERE.