Horror Hotties: The Girls of The Fades (TV)

It was a tough one this month, deciding which mistress of horror has captured our attention the most, but we think we've made a good choice.

If you haven't seen the British TV show The Fades, you missed out on some pretty good stuff. It's basically about dead spirits that are stuck in a limbo between this world and the next, and how they're pissed off about it. A group of "Angelics" are the only humans that know the Fades exist, and that they are getting stronger and want to pretty much end all human life.

It's a good mix of Horror and comedy, the latter part which centers around two bumbling best friends trying to make sense of not only being teenagers, but with all of the supernatural hi-jinks. It goes without saying, of course, that the show has it's share of hot chicks, and this month, we honor them.

In closing, check out The Fades because it's a really good show, and enjoy the chicks, because they always make things a bit better, don't they?

DVD Releases for February 28th

February draws to a close with a mix of DVD titles that might just appeal to everyone. Then again, they might not.

Rabies is an interesting flick that puts a different spin on the slasher genre... and it's from Israel. We saw it and liked it, and still cant believe that Israel gave us a bloody horror flick. The other must see of the week is Todd and the Book of Pure Evil; it's a fun little Canadian TV show that kinda crosses Degrassi High with, say, Evil Dead? Kinda? However you describe it, it's goofy fun.

I Melt With You is the wild card of the group. With Rob Lowe, Thomas Jane, and Jeremy Piven, not to mention the hotness of Carla Gugino, Arielle Kebbel and porn whore extraordinaire Sasha Grey, it could end up being a good little thriller.

Beneath the Darkness was a lame duck, unless you like the tension level of your average Lifetime movie. 

As for the rest of the weeks offerings, well, they give us pause; WWE's Trish Stratus as a bounty hunter in Bounty Hunters); the trailer alone for From the Inside might be one of the worst things I've ever seen; and Wolftown looks... not horrible. Out of this last group, we stick with the wolves... we did after all love The Breed.

Click the pics for more info on the flicks.

What will you rent, buy, or avoid?

The Woman in Black (2012)

If you're anything like I was when I was a kid, then your childhood was filled with movies from Hammer Films. Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee were probably the biggest stars on my TV, and many a weekend was spent with me afraid to go to sleep because they -and whatever Hammer Film happened to have been on that day- scared the living hell out of me. No one did Gothic Horror better

When some shitty Elliot Gould movie nearly bankrupted them in 1979, Hammer pretty much stopped making movies. Seriously, who casts Elliot Gould in anything?

Flash forward to about 2007, and Hammer Films seems to be back to making movies again. Since then they've given us a remake of Let Me In, The Resident, Wake Wood, and another remake, this one of The Woman in Black.

Let's not forget that Hammer used some of the hottest girls in the world in their movies too.

Harry Potter Arthur Kipps is a young Wizard Solicitor who travels to Hogwarts a remote village in the English countryside to learn magic settle an estate. There he finds an evil presence that the locals have dubbed Voldemort The Woman in Black, who is terrorizing everyone and killing their kids.

"Enough with the Harry Potter jokes already!"

With the help of his new friends Hermoine and Ron Sam, Harry Arthur sets out to solve the mystery of Voldemort and his Horcruxes The Woman in Black, and stop him her reign of terror once and for all. There's also a creepy, gay Headmaster named Dumbledorf who gazes a little too longingly at Harry, and probably has a pedophile love-thing going on for him. That's really JK Rowlings fault though, because her announcing that Dumbledorn was gay totally cast an uneasy tension on the entire movie series, much like the gay subtext between Sam and Frodo did in the Lord of the Rings flicks.

True story.

The Woman in Black is definitely the kind of Haunted House flick we grew up on as kids. Sure, it uses CGI for some of its effects, and the atmosphere of the whole thing isn't quite the atmosphere of the old Hammer flicks, but it still stands on its own as effective. The movie takes its time and relies on subtlety to keep your attention, and it isn't long before it wraps you up in its folds and moves in for the kill. I don't mean to make it sound as if it's perfect, it's not, but it just works really well overall.

Daniel Radcliffe can definitely act beyond the realm of all things Harry Potter; he's proven that onstage with with 2007's Eqqus and on film in December Boys, and does so again again here. It's hard not to see a bit of Harry Potter when you look at the kid, because that role was so iconic and endearing to the entire world, but he moves your mind right past all of that with his acting ability. Now he just needs to play a ruthless killer of some sort, and all will be well.

It's always a good thing to see Ciaran Hinds on screen too; that guy plays it intense even when he's not playing a ruthless killer, or some other sort of bad-ass.

Daniel Radcliffe always does what's axed of him...

Why were there no saucy village lasses for Harry Potter to shag? Aren't there always saucy lasses in small, English villages?

*SPOILER ALERT!* Why would you let his hand go, and especially in a train station? You suck as a father.

Not so much. There's some blood here and there, but most of the disturbing imagery isn't very gory. Then again, some people might consider children burning to death before their eyes to be a bit "gory."

Also, children committing group suicide is pretty disturbing.

Nada.

Probably the entire ending sequence. It comes out of nowhere and seems cliche', but then it leaves you wondering about what just happened and why. We don't wanna spoil things, so that's as detailed as we're getting. We liked it.

There's no making women happy, even in the afterlife. Also, Harry Potter's all growed up and has 'im a kid, which means he got laid. How quickly our innocence is taken from us!

Go in there? Not on your life.

That's the 2nd A grade we've given out recently, and it couldn't be more deserved. Hammer has given us a good old-fashioned, atmospheric ghost story with WIB that we don't get too much of these days. Daniel Radcliffe held it down acting-wise too, proving he's more than just some child wizard when it comes to his craft. If you want to see a fun and creepy Haunted House flick, then check this one out.

A

Hermione misses you, Harry Potter, and she's all grown up now too. Maybe look her up and cast some peen-guardium vaginosa on her or something...

She's 21 now, so I don't wanna hear it!

Better by far.

That's what we've been waiting for. More plot advancement, a little bit less character development, and some zombie action.

Said zombie action was plentiful this week as we saw Rick, Shane and the kid from Rescue Me fighting for their lives, somewhere that was "18 miles out." The "lure them with your blood then stab them in the head" trick was a good one, although using it too much wouldn't be a good thing on the body. Still, it was nice to see walkers get dispatched, essentially left and right.

It was good to see Rick and Shane finally have it out, though now it seems Shane is definitely a goner. He's either resigned to the fact that he has nothing now and will do something stupid to get himself killed, or he will come around and become more noble, which means he has to die because people will start liking him. The ones we like always die!

It was also nice to see Andrea go upside Lori's head. I only wish she would have used her open hand to help get her message across too, but what we got was good.

With only 3 episodes left in the season, you have to imagine things will only get crazier. Next week looks to be a violent one, with Daryl torturing the hell out of the prisoner kid. We like. Will we see Michonne by seasons end? David Morrissey has been confirmed to play next seasons nemesis, The Governor, but will we see him before season 2 wraps up?

I guess we'll know in a few weeks.

Jesus Franco's Bloody Moon (1981)

I've personally never been the biggest fan of Exploitation movies, which makes no sense because I have no moral compass whatsoever. Nudity, sex, violence, gore, or any kind of depravity is usually alright with me, so why have I not been drawn to Nunsploitation or Women in Prison flicks?

With this in mind, I finally broke down the other day and decided to watch a Jess Franco flick. For those that don't know Tio Jess, he's pretty much the most prolific Exploitation filmmaker of ever. He's done everything from horror to porn. He's made films about naughty nuns, naughty Nazis, lesbian vampires, women in prison, cannibals... he's really done it all. The one theme running through his flicks is definitely perversion. Aside from people who suck, who doesn't like perversion, right?

So I went to one of my creepy friends and borrowed a copy of one of his horror flicks, Bloody Moon, and dug in. The movie itself is like most European Horror flicks of the 70's and 80's; cheesy, poorly acted, gory, full of excessive perversion and dubbed horribly... and what a fun time it all was!

This review will be done with pictures, as it seems to be the most appropriate method for us to discuss this flick, mainly because flicks like these tend to have some great visuals that end up telling a way better story than do their awful plots.

Sure, just slowly walk over to the door and let the shadow in.

Incest is breast!

So, getting stabbed in the chest causes nosebleeds and mouth injuries?

That knife is through her nipple.

This chick just kinda hangs around all movie.... or... will she ever come out of the closet?

"Ooo, oooo, oooooooo!"

The infamous saw scene which made this one a "video nasty" back in the 80's.

Why does Goldie Hawn have a knife?

The hottest chick in the movie, about to die...

This scene must have been cut out originally, because the video quality was poor and off... also a part of the "video nasty" business, I suppose.

What?

What?!?

Oh, another crazy, nonsensical ending to an Italian Horror flick.. who saw that one coming? (I did.)

As you can see, this movie is chalk full of craziness; rapey Spanish guys stalking hot chicks, nipple piercings, beheadings, incest, Goldie Hawn, deformed brothers coming back to life, dead old women, overacting and lots of melodrama... they even killed a real snake on screen! Poor snake!

We have saved one sequence, the best one of the film, for last. It involves the infamous saw scene, and a little Italian boy whom we have nicknamed. Lil' G... The G could be for Gustaf or Gerhardt, since this is a German flick, but then again it's set in Spain, so maybe the G stands for Giancarlo or something?

So, Lil' G sees the killer take some random whore to a deserted building, and decides to investigate.

Realizing that the girl is about of be cut in half by a massive saw, he decides to try and save her...

He stops the saw, and when confronted by the killer, Lil' G kicks him in the ankle! Good for you kid!

Then he runs for his life, down the center of the road... because why run where the car can't follow you? 

Lil' G, brave ankle kicker, quickly discovers he can't out run a car...

... and, dirt nap.

B+ It goes without saying that Bloody Moon is a wreck of a film plot and dialogue wise, but a true gem if you like hot sluts, gore, and laughing a lot. Jess Franco was truly a master of visual perversion, and he gives us a good dose of it here. Check this one out and have some nasty fun with it.

Jess Franco's long time partner and muse, Lina Romay, died on 2/15/2012 at the age of 57. Lina was one of the most beloved actresses in Cult, Horror, and Erotic Cinema, and we were sad to hear of her passing. Fuck you, cancer.

Thanks for everything, Lina, and rest in peace.

R.I.P. Princessa.