DVD Review: Shark Night 3D (2011)

Let's just be honest about it; if you want to see a good movie about killer fish wreaking havoc on some unsuspecting swimmers, then you should really stick with the Piranha remake. At least that one was bloody, sleazy, unapologetic goofy fun, and it delivered exactly what it needed to.

Shark Night 3D was a PG-13 bore that was light on gore and flesh, and didn't deliver much of anything fun at all.

You know it's a sad state of affairs when a movie starring Sara Paxton has us checking our watches, because we love that girl, and she usually holds our attention pretty well.

The opening scene showed promise though...

Forget the fact that the plot is ridiculous, which it is; a bunch of rubes dump some sharks into a Louisiana lake and attach cameras to their heads, so that they can sell the footage to Reality Television producers, and become rich. Yeah. As horribly ridiculous as that plot is, we could totally forgive its shortcomings if the movie gave us some good shark violence and some tittahs... but alas, it didn't.

Why are you in that underwater cage, Sara Paxton? There's no air in there!

Katherine McPhee's massive Sweater Sharks are just begging to be unleashed in this one, and Sara Paxton... well she's just a Hottie in any form of dress/undress. My point is, could the producers not have gone the gratuitous route of Piranha and given us some skin?

Not blood, Sara, boobs!

Young Hollywood prudes baffle me. It took Meg Ryan until she was what, like 40 before she finally got naked? By that time, nobody wanted to see her naked. She should have dropped trou in When Harry Met Sally, when she was hot and relevant... although that most likely would have meant seeing Billy Crystal naked too, so, maybe we're glad that she didn't. You get the point though.

You came from American Idol, honey, you should feel fortunate that you're starring in anything... so make with the boobs, or shoot that golf ball out of your hoo-ha, or something!

And the sharks... they were rather elusive for the most part, and what we did see of them was unimpressive. They inspired minimal tension, and how does that even happen in a movie about killer sharks? And how many times to we need to see a shark suddenly leap from the water and take someone out? Are they Bird-Sharks? 

This movie should have been far more menacing and way bloodier, and it ended up feeling nothing but sanitized. 

"Hey, I'm gonna eat ya'll. Mmm, yummy, mmm."

This movie was a lamer. Slow, uneventful, and short on the goods, this PG-13 poop-knuckle might entertain young kids, but anyone over 13 will most likely be left shaking their heads when all is said and done. 

You want a cool shark movie, go grab a copy of Deep Blue Sea. Say what you will about that movie, but it rocked in all the right ways. Plus. I mean, it's Sam Jackson vs. Killer Sharks... how can that not be a win? 

At least Sara Paxton and the chicks in the movie were fun to stare at...