Review: Vlog (2011)

The Internet is full of people who think that they're clever, interesting, funny, witty, or "whatever" enough, that masses of complete strangers will flock to their blogs/websites/Twitter Feeds to hear their snappy witticisms, or heed their keen advice. Because everyone's life is some unique and interesting, you know?  

*And before anyone says it, yes, we are in that group of people, but we are very keen and witty, and also clever. People deserve to hear our words, because they are pretty much awesome. We're giving you a gift, people. Don't be ungrateful!

Let's be honest about it though; tits and ass keep the Internet alive. Porn is the lifeblood that keeps the heart of the Interwebs going, and like it or not, there's no bigger commodity in Cyberspace than sex. And really, Porn is infinitely better than suffering some self-important asshole's website full of rants and raves, isn't it?

The lifeblood of the Interwebs.

Anywho, Vlog is about just that; a hot, slutty, bitchy, asshole of a chick, who decides to film her life for her Internet fans, because she's so sick of other people doing it and getting attention that they don't deserve. The bottom line is that she needs attention. On her Vlog, she cuts people down, makes fun of the ex she just dumped, secretly tapes people and then rips on them later... She's a gem of a girl.

Suddenly, I forget why I hate her...

She hooks up with some geek at a bar, has a fight with her sworn enemy, tries to seduce another guy who cares more about his schoolwork than her, tapes all of it, and then rips her subjects to shreds afterwards, all for the sake of "keeping it real" for her adoring fans.

Problem is, one of her fans is an Internet Creeper who decides to kill the people that she so carelessly used, and upload them to his own Vlog, for her enjoyment. Then, he sets his sights on her...

Tits or GTFO, no one wants to hear you talk!

Vlog is a combination of the Torture Porn and First Person/POV sub-genres, the latter of which is becoming increasingly popular in Horror films these days. It's a decent enough movie, especially if you like some very graphic and extreme violence, though it's short on suspense and frights.

For a movie starring an Internet soft-core Porn girl, there sure wasn't much skin on display. We get that Brooke Marks is one of those teasers who covers the vital parts and shows just enough skin to be quasi-naughty, but come on, what is the point in that? Showing nipples for 10 seconds on film is somehow going to ruin your self-esteem, or kill your self-respect? It's like someone being a hooker, and refusing to have sex; maybe just don't be a hooker anymore.

"No, no, no, this is all you get. Now pay me."

I guess the big thing about Vlog is if you don't want to sit and watch an annoying girl talk into a camera for the better part of a movie's running time, this might not be for you. It all hinges on the character of Brooke Marks, who is played by the "actress" Brooke Marks, and this is where the movie falls short.

The character is shallow and vapid and has no regard for anyone other than herself, and by the time we reached the 30-minute-mark or so in the movie, we were really praying that she died painfully. The "actress" herself was alright, but she just never felt natural in her role. She over-did pretty much every facial expression and mannerism, and it felt like she was an actress playing a real person, instead of being a real person. It all just felt a bit forced.

I guess if her aim was to mimic the multitude of morons that act exactly like that every day in their online lives, the ones that demonstrate everything that is wrong with the Internet, then she rocked.

Her tits were fantastic though.

"They are fantastic, but you'll never see them rofllmao!"

There's also a twist at the end which... is what it is, I suppose. I won't spoil it, because I'm sure lots of people will rent this movie or maybe catch it on cable, but it only served to amplify the things about the movie that frustrated us to begin with. I get it though. Meh.

Lots of gore here, folks

Vlog is a decent enough movie, though we found ourselves annoyed by the whole thing far more than we should have. Its saving grace is the gore, which was plentiful and very nasty. Brooke Marks was nice to look at, though we can't fathom why someone who makes a living off of her body (and sells her sex appeal) wouldn't get naked in this. They're just boobs honey, and really, they're your strong suit, so lead with them. 

C

Brooke Marks is gorgeous. Of that there can be no doubt.