DVD Review: The Chaos Experiment (2009)

Cast Members of Note- The awesomeness that is Val Kilmer, the 80's awesomeness of Eric Roberts and Armand Assante, Eve Mauro, and Patrick Muldoon.

Sweaty chicks. Dripping, sweaty, nearly-naked chicks. Really, that's what this movie is about. Sure, there are sweaty guys too, and a plot, and they both drip in their own way too, but it's all about the chicks, man.

Say something bad about that, I dare you.

Val Kilmer is a whack-job Scientist from Grand Rapids, Michigan, who wants to save the world. How does he do it? By locking slutty chicks in a sauna, and letting them sweat all over each other. Sounds like good Science to me. I'm from Michigan too. Trust me on this one.

Good job Val Kilmer, you made the gloryhole too high.

Oh, I see now... This is another Mayan Calendar/The world will end in 2012 thingy. It's also a platform for dirty hippies and their Global Warming crusade. No wonder Val Kilmer is insane in this; his clothes are probably made of hemp and he listens to nothing but Cat Stevens and Phish all the time. Poor bastard. Anyways, Val plays a cat-and-mouse game with a local detective (played by John Gotti), and it's a race against time to find the people trapped in the death-sauna before they melt and cauterize (that's what they said in the movie!) I won't ruin anything else here other than to say that the ending sucked.

You's shut your whooah mouth, bada bing!

The Chaos/Steam Experiment was decent enough; it had fun premise and the way they shot the steam room scenes was interesting, the washed out feel of it all worked for me. Kilmer, Assante and Roberts were awesome here too, all doing their thing and doing it well, as they always have. The plot was paper thin though, and while starting out strong, the movie took a turn for the worse in the last act.

Also, let's take a moment to show our love to Val Kilmer; He's been Nick Rivers, Chris Knight, Iceman, Madmartigan, Jim Morrison, Doc Holliday, Batman, Chris Shiherlis, John Holmes, the man known only as Scott... The guy is a pimp amongst actors. He's good here too; WAY better than the material is. That's just Val for ya.

He's everybody's Huckleberry. 

Why are some women so sassy and angry? The "I'm tough, rawr!" type of girl is infuriating to me; how transparent can someone be, when they're actually trying to be independent and tough? Oh, so you'll fight me to show that you don't take any shit, huh riot grrl? Ok, then I will nearly strangle you to death. You have a rude and vulgar response to most things people say, because you "tell it like it is/keep it real?" Fine, then just expect to grow more angry and bitter along the way because no one likes a C U Next Tuesday. In some way or another, it all ends for them with a nail gun in the face. Watch the movie, it's true.

See you next tuesday, baby.

The ending. I get what happened, but not only was it a pretty big letdown, it wasn't really explained all that much. Instead, the movie left the viewer saying "Wait a minute... what?!?" Boo, ending, boo!

Then again, sweaty, glistening chicks.

A few kill scenes with some blood involved, but for the most part it's very tame in that department.

There's some blood.

Wow, sweaty boobs are way better than dry ones. And for the record, so are sweaty bodies (if they're hot.) This movie has both. There's also a necrophiliac lesbian kiss thingy that happens, but I'm not sure how I felt about it... I mean, on one hand she was dead, and that's just nasty. Yet on the other hand, she was barely dead when it happened...

I'm so confused as to whether this is hot or not...

"Let me get this straight; you've got 6 people locked in a steam room right now, because you think the world is going to end in 2012?" That about sums it up.

If Eric Roberts can't break down a door, no one can. No one! Also, I think he might like rape.

"Take my thumb, Charlie!"

Val Kilmer and hot, sweaty chicks save this movie from an even worse grade, and yet only a horrible ending/resolution and a weak script keep it from a better one. It's a mixed bag, and one that's fairly well-made, but it might not be for everyone.

C-

The Chaos Experiment is available now on DVD.

Now don't be sad, 'cause 2 out of 3 ain't bad... especially Eve Mauro.