VOD Review: Recovery (2016)

"Kirby Bliss Blanton fans will probably like this one. Mostly."

If I'm being honest, the only reason I watched Recovery was because it stars Kirby Bliss Blanton. That might sound a bit superficial, but it's really not: she's a good actress that has a very likable quality which makes her a perfect final girl for these types of flicks.

And yes, she just so happens to be really, really good looking too. I mean, even her name screams "adorable." No one named Kirby Bliss can be anything but adorable.

Point is, aside from her presence, Recovery didn't do all that much for me. It happens.

The movie opens with a father giving his nervous son a pep talk before his big date with the girl of his dreams... who just so happens to be locked in a trunk in the basement. Apparently father and son like to kidnap women to add them to the family, as evidenced by "Mom" who is shackled in the kitchen upstairs. Well, the girl escapes from the trunk, grabs a baseball bat, and takes the kids jaw off with a wicked swing, and then quickly dies for her trouble.

WHICH LEADS TO THIS GUY WEARING A BANDANA ON HIS FACE.

Flash forward to a wild party where hot little blonde Jessie (Kirby Bliss Blanton) sees her boyfriend cheating on her, but before she can smack him in the face, she's stopped by an equally hot girl, Kim (Rachel DiPillo), who tells her he's not worth it. The two become quick friends, and along with Jessie's brother, and some other dude who's trying to get laid, they set off on a wild party adventure!

YEAH, IT GET WILD ALRIGHT...

For some reason, Kim takes off with Jessie's phone, and being that every teenager is tech-savvy these days, they use a tracking app to track the phone to a creepy old house... where things get bad and bloody for everyone.

Twists and reveals abound from then on.

I TOLD YOU NOT TO GOOGLE LEMON PARTY.

Recovery is an average Slasher-ish Teen Terror flick that tries to use modern tech as some sort of clever plot device, but doesn't ever really end up feeling all that slick or clever.

As I said above, I watched this one because of Kirby Bliss Blanton, who is just about as cute as it gets, and her cuteness is pretty much the best part of the movie. Rachel DiPillo is a close 2nd, as she's both a decent actress, and cute as hell. They pretty much made the movie watchable on looks alone.

I know that's not much of a reason to watch a Horror movie, but sadly, everything else about Recovery was middle of the road material: A bunch of dumb kids wander around a creepy old house looking for some girl who stole a new cellphone, instead of calling the Cops like any rational person would do; and a family kidnaps girls to add them to their brood for no other reason than "they're all insane!" It makes for decent Horror fodder, but it sure doesn't make for a very good movie. At least not in this case.

BUT SHE'S GOOD. SHE'S ALWAYS GOOD.

We get a jaw being ripped off, a throat cutting, and some stabbing. It could have been bloodier.

IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, YOU'LL NOTICE THAT THERE'S A BASEBALL BAT IN THIS PICTURE.

Nope, and that's really what's missing from so many Horror movies these days: gratuitous nudity!

STAY IN THE CLOSET, KIRBY. YOU'RE TOO SCANTILY CLAD TO BE SEEN IN THIS MOVIE.

Recovery isn't a "bad" movie. It's competent enough in most ways, but aside from the fact that I think Kirby Bliss Blanton is awesome, it really didn't do much for me. If a movie like this is going to have a generic, predictable plot, then it's got to go above and beyond in the blood or nudity department, or else what's the point.

You know, like a lot of B-grade Horror flicks did in the 80's.

Wait for it to hit Netflix.

C

Recovery is available now on VOD.

Kirby Bliss Blanton inspires her middle name in us.