VOD Review: Martyrs (2016)

"No. Just... no."

The announcement of a new Horror remake almost always make us apprehensive, if not flat-out angry. There are many reasons for this that we won't go into now, because we'd be here all day if we did, but mainly it's because most remakes tend to suck; especially when it's a Foreign Horror movie being remade to cater to the U.S. audience.

They seldom work out well.

Our first reaction upon hearing about thus ill-advised remake of Pascal Laugier's excellent Martyrs (2008), was that we knew that it was doomed. Alright, maybe we didn't "know," but how in the world could a remake of such a brutal, powerful movie like that ever be done justice by anyone, let alone a company that churns out cheap, generic movies on the regular, and thinks that it's a good business model? Sorry, Blumhouse, we really like some of your stuff, honestly, but you know it's true.

*If you want to know anything about this movie's plot, please check out our review of the original HERE, because I'm not breaking this one down. No, this is gong to be little more than an angry rant.

HERE WE GO.

Where Martyrs (2008) was a veritable clinic on permeating dread that used intense brutality to illustrate a higher concept that director Pascal Laugier was aiming for, this remake feels like a watered-down Teen Terror flick about pretty girls being chased around the woods by a generic group of bad guys who want to hurt them for one silly-ass reason or another. *And yes, the girls actually get chased through the woods in this one. All three of them. And yes, there are actually three of them.

The 2008 version took our collective breath away, and it fucked with our heads in the best of ways. It was dark, disturbing, nihilistic, and hard to watch... but it was compelling enough to keep us from turning away, even when what we were seeing on screen made us want to run. It was fucking powerful, and even if you didn't like it (lots of people don't), you have to gave it to Pascal Laugier for trying his ass off and going for it.

The original worked so well because it was a well-made movie. Laugier took his time and let the story unfold naturally, letting its characters breathe and evolve into the wretched messes that they became. We felt for them, and by the end of the movie, we felt as worn and abused by watching their journey as they did actually experiencing it.

THAT'S KINDA HOW WE FELT AFTER WATCHING THE ORIGINAL MOVIE: VULNERABLE AND UNDERARMED.

This remake however has all of the intensity and emotional power of a Direct-to Video Saw knock-off. It's not particularly terrifying, or even scary (unless jump-scares actually work for you), and there's nothing shocking or repulsive about it either. It's violent enough, and its content certainly is nasty, but it feels ordinary and soulless. 

Where are the scenes where Lucie was fed that vomit-looking gruel, and mercilessly beaten until she was at death's door? Instead of Anna finding a genuinely tortured being in the dungeon and trying to help her, she finds a little girl who looks dirty, but unharmed? The skinning scene is all but gone, and the "creature" that haunted Lucie throughout the movie has been reduced to little more than a jump-scare device in this one.

Where is the impact that the original had?

MARTYR TEST?

We also don't get to see the horrifying physical and mental ordeal that these people put Anna through in order to make her into a martyr. In fact, it wasn't even Anna who was martyred in this one, but Lucie, who is actually kept alive until the end. Lucie dying in the original was the first step in Anna's destruction, which lead her to her resolution, and by changing that all around for the remake, it lessened the emotional impact of the entire thing. 

None of the martyrdom that these people were trying to get Lucie to achieve felt earned. Anna was shocked (for basically no reason, because it was Lucie who they really wanted to martyr), and Lucie had a small bit of her back skin flayed off and was hung on a cross (in effigy?), and then 5 minutes later, she was "ready." What the actual fuck? THAT was all it took to drive the girl into such a heightened state of consciousness that she could see into the afterlife? She escaped them 10 years ago, randomly stumbles back into their clutches, and then 10 minutes later, she's the one who will finally give them what they seek?

Come the fuck on.

PLEASE STOP.

The actors did fine with what they had to work with, especially Troian Bellisario, so we aren't mad at them. Some of the violence and gore was solid too, although there wasn't really much of it. It's also a well-shot movie, and looked far prettier than it should on such a small budget. The real problem here is that the entire movie felt rushed and careless, and made absolutely no effort to build its story, and make us give half a shit about the main characters.

It lacked punch, both emotionally and viscerally, and given the source material that it was culled from, that's just unforgivable. 

Had there never been a movie called Martyrs in 2008, and this was a totally original movie, we could probably go easier on it; its faults would still be present, but we could write it off as just another Horror flick that had some great potential, but just couldn't quite reach it... but there was a movie called Martyrs in 2008, and this isn't an original effort, so its many faults can't be so easily forgiven or overlooked. It had a fantastic template to work from, and it should have been better.

Better yet, Martyrs should have ever been remade. Yeah, that sounds about right.

WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?

As bad as Martyrs was, I honestly think that I'm being overly-generous by giving it a grade of D-. It's a mess on just about every level, save maybe for technical, and not only is it a poor remake of an excellent film, but it felt like 100 other movies that came out last year, and 100 others that will no doubt come out this year as well.

Fuck this movie, and go watch the original HERE. Trust us.

D-

Martyrs is available now on VOD.

Troian Bellisario and Bailey Noble are in this.