December 19, 2009
The 10 Worst Movies of 2009- 6-10
6- Children of the Corn- The original was hardly perfect, I'll give you that much, but this "Remake" was so atrociously bad that it made the 1984 version seem flawless. The main characters were annoying and ridiculous, Malachai and Isaac were nowhere near as creepy as they were in the original, and the whole thing maintained a level of tension equal to that of your average Lifetime movie (I know I use that one a lot, but it's so true.) I remember the original creeping me out as a kid. I remember caring about whether or not the main characters lived or died. I also remember wanting to karate kick my TV every 10 minutes as I watched this one. Poop! 7- Sorority Row- This remake baffles me; we finally get a good old Rated-R slasher flick in theaters and they hardly show any kills on camera, the nudity is sparse, and the kills are largely uninspired and uneventful. The movie looked good, pretty and sharp, but the story was more than familiar, complete with the obligatory crappy twist that sucked. Above and beyond all things that made this movie suck, was Audrina Patridge. Why is such a "Dead behind the eyes" human replicant like her getting movie roles? She's not an actor... she's not even at Lindsay Lohan's level of no-talent, and that speaks volumes. And yet she gets work. I guess that "ooh, shiny!" sums up both movies like this, and celebretards like her. 8- The Stepfather- The second they decided to remake a movie in which someone tried to recreate the creepy magic that Terry O'Quinn gave us in the original, the whole thing was doomed. Why not remake LOST, and cast Channing Tatum as John Locke. You can't, that's why! This remake is devoid of everything that made the original so damned good, you know, scares, atmosphere, and a hauntingly disturbing performance by O'Quinn. The makers of the Prom Night remake obviously have no clue how to make a horror movie, and they need to stop. Nice guys, I'm sure, but n more horror. Please. It's always nice to see Amber Heard on screen though. 9- The Final Destination- I decided after watching this movie, that the Final Destination films are like the game Mousetrap. The ball rolls down the thing, the thing raises up and flips a switch, the switch triggers a lever, the lever hits a plate, and then you get a pipe through your head. That's pretty much it for every kill in every one of these movies, and especially this one. The kills in this latest installment (and the others) are great; bloody, messy, and all sorts of f'd up... umfortunately, everything else is pretty lame and hard to sit through, because it's obvious that it's style over substance. Meh. 10- New Moon- It was a better film than the first one, I'll give it that much, but that's still not saying much. It's all still there of course; the shallow representation of what 12 year olds think love is, the blank stares, the bad acting, the vacant stares, the emo teen longing for things that aren't real or deep at all, the forlorn look in everyone's eyes as they stare... The message these movies (and books) sends to bewildered girls of all ages is mind numbing. No wonder they take to the Myspaces and Facebooks of the world en masse, crying about how lonely they are, or wondering why they can't have what Twilight preaches. Allow me to enlighten them as to why they can't be Bella, and have different true loves to flounder between... BECAUSE IT'S ALL A LIE! A juvenile, sad, unrealistic lie. Plus, a shitty story. 1-5 is coming soon!