DVD Review: One-Eyed Monster (2009)

To say that I was totally surprised by this one is a gross understatement... Oh, and this review contains just a bit more vulgarity than usual, so be warned...

Cast Members of Note- Ron Jeremy, Ron Jeremy's penis, Amber Benson, Charles Napier and Veronica Hart.

Ron Jeremy's dick has been terrorizing the Porn world for over four decades now, and finally we have proof that it can kill. The crew of a porn shoot heads into the deep woods to make their movie called "Animatronic Donkey Blues." They're full of energy and ready to tap little Johnny behind the ear all weekend.

The face of a sex murderer!

A Celestial event sends a shooting star blazing towards earth, and naturally it takes aim at Ron Jeremy's penis; where else would you want to strike if you were a shooting star, other than maybe Bea Arthur's vagina? (Oddly enough, I wrote the Bea Arthur bit before I heard of her death today. R.I.P. Bea, thank you for being a friend.)

He's got "the glow," just like Taimak did in The Last Dragon!

The now "possessed" RJ heads inside to do his scene, and nearly screws Veronica Hart to death; luckily the guys rig up a super tampon made from 6-8 smaller tampons, and save her from bleeding to death. They can't save poor RJ though, as his penis rips free from his droopy body and decides to go on a rape/murder spree. From this point forward it's the unsuspecting porn crew against an Intergalactic-mutant version of Ron Jeremy's joint; and something other than the shit hits the fan. I won't spoil what happens next for you here, but suffice it to say that they don't call it a trap for nothing.

This is a trap, not the trap I was cleverly referring to above.

I absolutely laughed my ass off during this movie, and wasn't at all embarrassed that I did. It's got such a cheesy premise, and stars such B-list talent, that I was expecting another cringe-inducing pile of dung, but I was very pleasantly surprised to find it totally entertaining. Just imagine John Carpenter's The Thing, but with an Alien Cock causing all of the mayhem, and that's basically what you get here. The great part about this movie is that it doesn't take itself seriously at all, but they play it serious. If you've seen the 2006 Horror Comedy gem Black Sheep, then you'll have an idea of what this movie is like.

I've also got to take a minute to talk about Ron Jeremy: He can't act for shit, but he has a really endearing human quality about him that really makes me like him. The MEGA-HUGE porn icon has wanted to be successful in legitimate film for a long time, but he just doesn't have the chops. Still, movies like this make me cheer for him, and his dream.

Until that day Ron, here are Amber Benson's panties. Not a bad trade-off.

Ladies of the world, please let me warn you about the hazards of the penis; it's dangerous, and it can potentially kill you. And while we all love Porn (and the fact that you're enough of a Whore to make it and document your sex on video for us), the fact of the matter is that penis kills. Is it really worth your life? I hope this movie will make you think about that.

That's deep, man...

Ron Jeremy has had sex with more women than every other man alive... put together! It's a wonder his wang hasn't turned on him before this.

Yes, Ron, you're a whore.

There's some gore and blood in this, but there's also a lot of... um... well... sperm too. Either way, it gets pretty messy.

That certainly should count as gore...

It's a movie about a Killer Dick killing the cast & crew of a porn shoot, you would think it would have had more in the way of T&A, wouldn't you? Well, not so much. We did get some nakedness, but it was mostly courtesy of Ron Jeremy's sweaty man-boobs.

Guess which one we get to see naked?

I could list them all day, as this movie was full of great lines:

• "With the added weight and the back pains, all I can do is kiss the tip."
• "We're gonna need a bigger tampon."
• "I know you dug him, but that's his dick out there, and it's a mass-murderer!"
• "Wanna know what hell sounds like? I think it sounds like 30 men getting massacred by a dick!"
• Director: "Ok Ron, take off your sweater." RJ: "I'm not wearing a sweater."

This movie was funny as hell.

Veronica Hart, a true Hall of Famer.

Lidocaine... who knew? Also, "Suzy Chang's Crab Roll" is an actual film. Again, who knew?

Look at her pretending she can read. How sweet.

This movie is funny as hell, and works perfectly as a Horror Comedy. Just like Black Sheep, Shaun of the Dead, or Slither, it's played almost totally for laughs while fitting neatly into the Horror framework. Don't expect perfection, and I think you'll really enjoy this one.

B+

One-Eyed Monster is available now on DVD and VOD.

Amber Benson really neds to be in more movies.