Review: Autopsy (2009)

This one is the bloodiest Horrorfest movie by far...

Cast Members of Note- The hotness of Jessica Lowndes, the T2 goodness of Robert Patrick, Jenette Goldstein (Aliens), and the always great character actors Michael Bowen, and Robert Lasardo.

This movie starts out with a Mardi Gras themed Gap ad; young, good looking people partying and drinking, mugging for the camera, ass shots and freeze frames galore... Then they get into a drunk driving accident and the fun ends. Things get even worse when a random ambulance just happens to show up about 20 seconds after the accident, driven by a Latino gang member and a serial rapist.

I'd shop at the gap if she worked there.

Things get even more worse when they arrive at a mostly-empty hospital; Vasquez from Aliens is the nurse, and the T-1000 from Terminator 2 is apparently a doctor now. Together, they talk about John Conner, scream "Let's rock!," and work on entrail origami... and in the sickest twist of all, they don't honor HMO's! That's just low. 

"Do you know John Connor?"

Soon enough, the organ harvesting begins in earnest, and we kinda find out why, but not really. Also, what's with the zombie people? I don't know. I just hope that the hot chick lives. I won't spoil the rest for you here, but lemme just say that people get hurt real bad, and we find out just what our final girl is made of.

She's made of sex appeal and vengeance, that's what.

I really don't know what to make of Autopsy; on one hand, it's ridiculous, full of WTF?!? moments, and over-populated with characters that make absolutely no sense; but on the other hand, it's kinda fun and really gory. Gory. I say the word again because this movie is seriously nasty in the bloodletting department, which in the end, is its saving grace.

How about look for a door that says "Exit?"

Naturally everyone separates, and soon enough they start dying in horrible, graphic, nasty, bloody, messy ways. Why stay together? Also, why bother to run when you have the chance? Who needs to live anyway? Just go investigate things, alone, and try to find your missing friend who probably died about an hour ago. Sounds like a rational plan to me.

You done goofed.

Once again... sigh... once again, jump-scares and musical cues! God forbid you use atmosphere to convey your point as opposed to a quick note of loud music announcing that "it's scary time now!"

Yeah, us too.

Gore effing galore! Face bashing, gut-spilling, organ trees (you need to see that one to understand), dismemberment, body part sanding... GORE GALORE.

... because all Mexicans are obviously Gang-Bangers.

 

Of course not, why have any T&A in exploitative Horror flicks anymore? Horror fans obviously hate naked chicks and sex.

"Take off that pesky top and let's start this examination."

"I just brought you to chemical Disneyland and you want a fucking antibiotic?" or "Bleed out, bitch."

Empty hospitals are usually up to no good. Also, random spinal taps are not normal.

We don't get it either.

This is a very flawed movie, but it manages to remain both gory and fun enough to make you forget most of its low points. It's absolutely predictable, and certainly nothing we haven't seen before, but maybe that's the point.

C-

Autopsy is available now on DVD and VOD.

Jessica Lowndes is in this.