Solo Review: 7eventy 5ive (2007)

Sub-Genre- Slasher
Cast Members of Note- Rutger Hauer! God he was awesome in the 80's...

A bunch of kids make some prank calls, and piss someone off so bad that he comes over and kills all of their parents. Good job kids. The killer escapes into the night as the Cops arrive, and all of the kids get shipped off to the Orphanage as punishment; because Rutger Hauer's brand of justice is a harsh one, where not even kids are exempt!

"Send those damned kids to the 'nobody wants me' house!"

Years later, some of the kids are actually at College despite being Orphans, and they haven't learned a damn thing; at a big party way out in the deserted country, they decide to make prank calls again, and guess what happens? Yep. The same maniac finds them once more, and pretty much kills them all. How is that possible? It's in the script, that's how.

I won't spoil what happenes here, but suffice it to say that the stupid kids probably deserved what they got. I mean, you see your Mom murdered in front of you because of a prank call you made, and you still feel the urge to tempt fate when you grow up? Kids these days...

I bet they'll think twice before asking someone if their refrigerator is running from now on!

What a really pleasant surprise; we've seen this kind of flick done many times before, and done much better, but I'll be damned if this wasn't a fun watch! It's your typical teen stalk-and-slash movie, filled with blood, sex, drugs, and a mysterious killer with a secret, but it still managed to feel more fresh and clever than most other recent movies of its kind. 

There were some good laughs to be had here too, the characters weren't all morons (though some certainly were), and the movie did a decent job of maintaining some pretty good tension throughout. The best part of the whole thing though was seeing Rutger Hauer in action again; he was such a bad-ass in the 80's, and it's been a while since we've seen him shine like this.

Nighthawks, Blade Runner, Lady Hawke, The Hitcher; beat that list, any other b-list movie star from the 80's!

It's proven once again, that the only people that ever make any logical sense in a Horror movie are the black guys; listen up white people, when the black guy says "Fuck this, I'm outta here!" you go with him!

I'm going with you, Marcus.

The ending was a bit confusing, and I'd like to think I'm fairly bright... A killer at the beginning, brothers, an insane asylum, another killer at the end... Oh, whatever, it was a fun ride!

Plenty of axe violence, maiming, slashing, bludgeoning, cutting, and stabbing to be had here.

Watch these rap niggaz get all up in your guts,
French-vanilla, butter-pecan, chocolate-deluxe.
Even caramel sundaes is gettin touched,
And scooped in my ice cream truck, Wu tears it up.

Raekwon knew what time it was...

 

"Man, you gonna get a nigga locked up!" or "Oh my god, we are gonna die."

What we really learned is that for every Molly Hartley, Prom Night or Shutter that Hollywood releases, there's a Mandy Lane, Trick R' Treat, or a 7eventy 5ive that go unreleased and undiscovered. For shame.

The movie business is murder.

This was a mostly average Slasher flick with a few above average moments here or there, and that's not a bad thing at all; most Slashers these days suck so bad that they can't even hit the "average" mark. It won't challenge your mind much, but it will give you an hour and a half of bloody fun if you give it half a chance.

C

7eventy 5ive (aka Dead Tone) is available on DVD and VOD now.

Jud Tylor is in this.