Shudder Review: The Church (1989)

"Not what we expected, but fun."

I've come so close to ordering the import version of this Blu-ray many times, only to balk at the idea... and now I don't have to thanks to Shudder!

I'm really starting to like this little add-on channel to my Amazon Prime account.

Produced by Dario Argento, and directed by the awesome Michele Soavi, The Church isn't quite the homerun I was expecting, but it's still a neat little piece of Italian Horror history.

In medieval Germany, the Teutonic Knights have descended on a small village, on the hunt for witches. Just to be on the safe side, the knights kill everyone in the village, because they're most likely witches, or they at least know some witches, which obviously makes them in league with the Devil. They even kill adorable little Asia Argento, which just seemed wrong to us. Once everyone is dead, they throw the bodies into a mass grave and erect a massive Gothic Cathedral on top of them, because that's really how anything is built; on the bodies of the poor and helpless.

YEAH, THIS IS GONNA HURT.

Flash forward to the 80's, where the very same church is undergoing renovations, lead by the sexy Barbara Cupisti. She doesn't know about what lies beneath the creepy foundations of the building, only that the frescoes need some loving care, and maybe a new water garden might look good in the courtyard. Somehow, little Asia Argento is there too (her dad is the sacristan of The Church), even though she died hundreds of years earlier. Or did she? Don't ask, it's an Italian Horror flick, it's not supposed to make any sense.

TIMELESS.

Somehow during the renovations, a switch is flipped, and everyone gets locked in The Church. Also, the spirits of the innocent villagers (which have somehow turned into a malevolent force hell-bent on bloody revenge) are released, and start to kill everyone. Throw in a goat demon who is looking to get laid, the creeper who tries to put the movies on 15-year-old Asia, and more nonsense than you can ever hope to make sense of, and you have yourself an Italian Horror movie circa 1989.

WTF IS THIS GUY'S PROBLEM?

The Church was originally intended to be the third sequel in the Demons series, but director Michele Soavi decided to change the story so as to do his own thing, and not ride the coat tails of Lamberto Bava, I guess. I honestly think that maybe making this the 3rd Demons flick may have made it play better, or at least made it more gory.

As it stands though, The Church is a decent little flick that gave us the unmistakable feel of 80's Italian Horror: you know, creepy visuals, great score, silly characters that say even sillier lines, and tons of shit that doesn't make sense but feels right anyhow. It also gives us a young Asia Argento in what might be a lead role, but just when I thought the movie was going to focus on her character, it switched gears, and her story kinda becomes secondary... until the end when it's kind of all about her again.

Seriously, what is it with old Italian Horror flicks and their lack of focus and coherence?

I KNOW. WE DON'T GET IT EITHER.

The Church is a slow movie that doesn't really pack the punch that many other Italian Horror flicks of the 80's do. It's good, and it has its moments, but I expected a bit more in the way of gory action.

SHE SHOULD HAVE CLAWED HERSELF TO DEATH IN ONE CONTINUOUS 5-MINUTE-LONG SHOT.

Like so many Italian Horror films of yesteryear, this movie makes no sense.

Why did they build a Church on the mass grave of so many people? And why in the world would the spirits of those slaughtered innocents decide that killing a chucrh full of innocent people (we're talking old folks and kids here) was somehow justified? Are you saying that if you die unjustly, that your spirit become evil in the afterlife?

"OH, INNOCENT PEOPLE MUST BE BURIED HERE!"

The subway scene was great, as was the bell ringing (and a few other bits and pieces), but this movie is more spooky than it is gory, and that's a shame.

ORGY OF THE DAMNED.

There are some butt shots and some goat-demon sex to be had, but none of it is very gratuitous. At least not shockingly so.

PUT THE BOOK DOWN AND GET NAUGHTY!

Given that Michele Soavi has directed two of our favorite Italian Horror flicks of all-time -Stagefright (review HERE) and Cemetery Man (review HERE)- we expected a lot more from The Church. It's a fun watch, it just felt a bit too restrained for our tastes.

Still, watching it for free via Shudder is nothing we regret.

C+

The Church is streaming now on Shudder.

Asia Argento grew up to be a sassy little mynx! Check out our little tribute to her HERE.