VOD Review: Tell Me How I Die (2016)

"Another day, another Kirby Bliss Blanton film."

So maybe we did seek this movie out because it had Kirby Bliss Blanton in it. It also had a pretty interesting concept going for it, and we dug the trailer too, so it's not like we only watched it because it has one of our favorite modern day Hottie's in it or something.

Although, that's not an entirely bad reason to check out a movie either. After all, that's what fandom is all about, even if that fandom is based on illicit things that run through our mind every time we see a particular actress.

We're only human folks, don't judge us.

What do you do when you're 20-something, and you need some extra cash in this modern era of slacktivism and self-entitlement? No, you don't get a job -this is 2017, people need quicker and easier options than that- what you do is you rent your body to science for experimentation!

DON'T WORRY, BABY, IT ONLY HURTS THE FIRST TIME.

Lead Hottie, Hottie #2, the Snarky Daredevil, the Aww Shucks Nice Guy, and the Wacky Asian Nerd have signed up for a drug trial in a fancy, isolated building, that will see a memory-enhancing drug tested on them. The drug comes with some nasty (and yet, potentially fun) side effects, like being able to see into the future. Lead Hottie's reaction to the drug is a bit different though, as her future visions are of each of them dying.

"OH MY GOD, I CAN SEE FOREVER!"

Soon enough, our generic characters learn that there's a killer on the loose, and that each of them is dying in the ways that Lead Hottie predicted, and so they spend the rest of the movie trapped in an isolated building by a fierce CGI snowstorm, trying to outwit the killer and survive their own pre-visualized deaths.

NOT ALL OF THEM MAKE IT.

A Slasher flick dressed up in aspects of Final Destination-like precognition, Tell Me How I Die is an above average effort thanks to an interesting premise, and some slick visuals. And of course, the presence of the ultra-hot Kirby Bliss Blanton instantly makes the whole thin better. Virginia Gardner also had a serious case of the hotties going on, and both she and Kirby, along with their male co-stars, did the best they could with the generic characters that they were bidden to play.

It was fun and thrilling in a way to watch the characters try to escape their fates, even if you know that all but one or two of them were most likely going to die, because this is a Horror flick, and people need to die. 

On the flip side, the script is pretty shallow, offering very little in the way of character development, and it's a bit over-complicated at times as well. The CGI snow wasn't fooling anyone either.

And the way they handled the killer, and their motivation, in this film left something to be desired too. Not only are they "revealed" far too late, but their motivation for killing everyone is just over-convoluted, and it didn't have enough depth and backstory to make it impactful like it should have been.

DON'T DESPAIR, LEAD HOTTIE, IT WASN'T ALL BAD.

There's some bloodshed to be had throughout this one, but it didn't really push the graphic envelope like it could have. Some of it was obscured by the shadowy darkness that enveloped this movie too, which kinda sucked.

WHY WOULD YOU TOUCH THAT?

Nope, but Kirby Bliss Blanton does spend the entire movie in a tank top. That's something, I suppose...

"UM, EXCUSE ME... MY BOOBS ARE DOWN THERE!"

Despite the slow pace, and the lackluster ending, I really enjoyed Tell Me How I Die for what it was, and what it tried to be. It's the kind of slick, well-made Indie that we love around here, and it stars Kirby Bliss, who is now our unofficial girl mascot, so it worked for us. If you can forgive some egregious plot holes and some truly shitty CGI snow, then you will probably have a good time with this one.

C+

Tell Me How I Die is available now on VOD.

Virginia Gardner is new by us, but we like what we see so far. Also, Kirby Bliss is our boo.