VOD Review: Joy Ride 3 (2014)

"Why is he doing this to us!?"

Well, because you're all idiots.

Joy Ride 3 is one of those Direct-to-Video Horror sequels that exists only to earn some money by playing off of the popularity of its predecessors while showing a bunch of cool kills.

We're fine with that, because in all honesty, that's why most Horror sequels exist; we all long to see a familiar menace killing some deserving people in creative and gory ways.

The problem with these kind of films though is that unless you're prepared to shut your brain off and ignore the ridiculous, nonsensical mess that tends to surround the kill scenes, they can be more of a grating experience than and enjoyable one.

Having seen 967 movies exactly like this over the years, it's safe to say that yes, the whole thing irks us just a little bit.

Joy Ride 3 opens with two tweekers trying to have dirty meth addict sex, until one of them realizes that they're out of Skizzle. The chick tweeker's stank ass throws a fit, which prompts the dude tweeker to use a walkie-talkie to lure some horny trucker to their motel room so that they can rob him, and get some more Skizzle. Of course, that horny trucker turns out to be Rusty Nail. How two broke-ass drug addicts can afford a walkie-talkie is beyond us, but hey, we should know better by now than to try and ask sensible questions during movies like this. Also, we have no idea what in the hell Skizzle is; it just randomly popped into our heads and made us laugh.

"Rusty Nail this is Weepy Vag, do you have any Skizzle? Come back now, over."

So the whore lures Rusty Nail to the motel, where he creatively lays waste to the tweekers, thereby doing a service to humanity. I mean as stupid as these two and their plan were, are we really supposed to mourn their deaths? No. No we aren't.

Nothing comes between them save for that bag of meth stuck to that window right there.

A bunch of miles down the highway, a gang of white boys who think they are Fast & Furious are preparing to go on some sort of cross-country Cannonball Run or something. In order to save time (and prolong this movie), they decide to take an off-map shortcut, despite the old trucker in the diner warning them not to take it! Every Horror movie has its own Ralph (F13th), doesn't it?

Yeah, that looks like an animal. Morons.

Once on the Shortcut of Death, they run across Rusty Nail, and decide that cutting him off with their shitty driving skills would be fun. Obviously this means they all have to die. So begins the Duel-like cat-and-mouse game between our favorite evil trucker and another group of dumb asses. Will the lamest race crew ever make it to their crazy Gumball Rally, or will Jigsaw Rusty Nail kill them all first? Will the hot blonde chick survive? Are the inept Cops that populate this movie even trying?

Far be it from us to spoil anything here, but suffice it to say that there will most likely be a Joy Ride 4. Woo!

She's the Final Girl, so of course she'll escape this trap and return for the sequel.

Joy Ride 3 had plenty of issues and shortcomings (most of which revolve around the script), but the sequel is not completely without merit.

The movie looks good, the stunt/action sequences are really solid, and the gore gags are really messy and well done. The opening sequence was the best part of the movie, and was genuinely enjoyable.

The cast gives their best effort in this one as well.

I know that's a short list of positives, but that's just how it goes.

That's a pretty shot. Artistic even.

Ted Levine is not playing the voice of Rusty Nail in this sequel either, and that just hurts; his voice is a large part of what made the original Joy Ride so enjoyable. This time out, Rusty is played by long-time Hollywood stuntman/actor Ken Kirzinger, who does a decent-enough job with the role, but is ultimately doomed by the decision to make Rusty into just another killer.

The best part of the original Joy Ride was the fact that Rusty Nail was such a shadowy and mysterious figure; we didn't know who the creepy trucker was or why he was terrorizing these kids, and it made things far more intense. You know, it's basically the whole less is more thing. Well in this third entry into the Joy Ride series, our pal Rusty is a game playing, one-liner spitting chatterbox.

"I learned that from a Hockey Ninja!" What? Who wrote that?

"Need a lift, Jack? Heh!"

Anyone who fucks with long-haul truckers deserves whatever they get. I mean you mess with the guy once, and force him to swerve, then you block the road when he tries to pass, and when you finally let him pass, he cuts you off like you did to him, which makes you angry? Instead of saying "he wins, let's slow down and let him go away," you say "let's teach this guy a lesson!"

Please die, because you are too stupid to live.

Yes, you are all stupid.

If nothing else, this movie is a gore-lovers dream. The blood flows more than freely in this one, and the FX are truly inspired. People get run over, cut apart with fans, crushed, decapitated, severed... fun, gory deaths are the reason that this movie exists.

Eye like it!

 We get a hot tweaker all naked, and two hotties in some sexy racing suits, but that's about it.

They should have made these two wear these outfits for the entire movie.

 

Don't expect much from third sequels. Also, be courteous to truckers.

"Yep, that looks like a car wreck all right."

We get that DTV sequels like this aren't supposed to be all that good, but can they just make more of an effort to not be so bad? Tighten up the writing a bit, offer us some likable characters, and make the killer of the movie a bit more scary?
There's not really much about this movie to recommend, but if you really like gory kill scenes, then you'll enjoy this one. In fact it's because of the gore and the kill scenes that we didn't dismiss this movie completely.

C-/D+

Joy Ride 3 is available now on VOD, and will be available on Blu-ray and DVD on June 17th.

Kirsten Prout was so cute in this movie that she makes us sad that we never gave Kyle XY more of a chance. Kind of. (Not really, but she really is a total QT.)