June 27, 2014

The Week in Theatrical Trauma

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Opening in 95,000+ Theaters today is the latest shitfest from America's own version of Uwe Boll, Michael Bay. Of course we're talking about Transformers: Age of Extinction.

The Transformers movies have been nothing less than horrible on just about every level, and this one looks to be no better. The worst part about these movies is that every part of these movies is the worst part:
  • The Transformers themselves look like shit. I mean, I don't remember the Autobots or Decepticons from the beloved 80's cartoon looking like they were pieced together from spare parts laying around a scrap yard, but that's exactly how they look in Bay's sad world.
  • And as bad as the Transformers do look, they aren't really even the main focus of the movies; no, the movies focus on the human characters, which are really two dimensional, and suck, and don't deserved to be focused on at all. The robots themselves kind of stay off to the side, providing little more than comic relief and serving as melodramatic plot devices until the third reel kicks in...
  • ... where the slow-motion, overblown, "sue me for making stupid fucking movies for stupid fucking kids," retarded Bayhem kicks into high gear.
  • These movies also try to be funny, but unless you're a child, or are mentally slow, they are just painfully unfunny.
  • We could go on (and on, and on), but we've said more than enough about these shitty movies. 

So in summary, watching these movies is like walking into your little sister's room and finding Michael Bay jerking off on her while she sleeps. He destroys childhoods, folks. And he makes billion while doing so.

We'd rather watch a musical stage play version of Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones than see this movie, but if it's your thing, then enjoy.

If you really want to watch something great this weekend, and are lucky enough to have it playing at a Theater near you, then Joon-ho Bong's Snowpiercer is the ticket for you. One of the best Sci-fi flicks that we've seen in years, Snowpiercer tells the tale of the last vestige of humanity surviving aboard a perpetual-motion train that spans the globe, and the class war that engulfs them all. It's fresh, compelling, brutal, oddly humorous, and though it's not perfect, we found it to be a brilliant little piece of Post-Apocalyptic work.

This is honestly the best option as far as new releases go this week. It's got Captain America in it! Come on!

Read our review of Snowpiercer HERE.

If you're into odd German flicks that explore the topics of religion, faith, and incestuous rape, then Nothing Bad Can Happen may just be for you! Called "The German version of Martyrs," Nothing Bad Can Happen tells the story of a religious kid who moves in with a family, only to find that the Patriarch of the clan is a creepy perv, and maybe even Satan (metaphorically, of course.) It looks interesting enough, and it caused a stir at Cannes, so we'll be checking it out when we get the chance.

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