September 26, 2008

Review: Valentine (2001)
Sub-Genre- Teen Terror/Slasher
In Attendance
- Me, Geo, Chris, Christian and Machine.
Cast Members of Note- The yummy Denise Richards, The yummy (X2) Marley Shelton, Katherine Heigl's boobs, and the guy who played Angel.

A long time ago at the school dance, the poor ugly geek of the class asked the pretty girls to dance with him. Of course they all laughed at him, because ugly guys don't really count, and he had to resort to making out with the fat chick of the class. The hungry ones are always easy pickings, even for greasy geeks.

Thank god Angel is here. His "sexy" will save you!
When the popular kids catch geek-boy and team-hungry girl making out, she cries rape, and they proceed to strip and beat geek-boy unmercifully. It was a sort of quasi gay/geek bashing thing, which really makes you realize that fat chicks cant be trusted.

Just for the record, skinny chicks can't be trusted either.
Years later, all of the kids are grown up and still assholes, even the fatty (who is now mostly cute.) Of course they're all still friends, because it moves the plot along far easier that way. When they start to disappear and then show up dead, they all start to worry. "OMG, who is killing us! And like, why and stuff!" Yep, turns out the world is a better place without them anyhow.

I won't say anymore about the movie here, so as not to ruin any important plot points for you (also, because I just don't want to talk about it anymore), but suffice it to say that you're in for a shock! Not really though.

Kill the other bitches, Marley!
So this one is an average stalk-and-slash movie, packed with hot chicks, some good kill scenes, and not much else. I'm all for some mindless, visceral Horror, but this is basically the same movie that's been recycled 1000 times since 1980:

  • Someone was wronged/humiliated/mutilated/killed in the past.
  • Years later all of the people who wronged/humiliated/mutilated/killed said victim, are all still in contact with one another.
  • The victim/someone close to the victim, now a revenge-seeking maniac, returns to even the score.
  • The "bad" people are all shallow, pathetic, "no one-will-miss-them" type yuppies.
  • One by one, the "bad" people are picked off, oblivious to what's truly happening until the third reel of the film starts.
  • Then, the Final Girl is left to face off with the killer, and that's when the "shocking" reveal happens.
  • Then the final twist/shock/jump & "Oh-my-God" moment happens, and the credits roll.

Again, this type of flick serves its purpose, I just wish it would have offered a little bit more in the way of originality is all.

A little more in the way of nudity would have helped too.
Too many Hotties, not enough nakedness. Also, haven't I seen this movie before? And wasn't it done better?

She's even pretty when she's terrified.
What was with "Jason?" Do guys actually think that talking about yourself in the third person is manly or attractive? Loser.

Then again, dummies like this whore-in-a-hot tub don't care as long as he's cute.
This movie did have some good kills in it, although nothing overly spectacular.

A lot of teasing, but not much skin. With all of the hotness on display in this movie, couldn't at least one of them have gotten naked?!?

Even David Boreanaz, just someone!
"Wax it!" or "Roses are red, Violets are Blue, They'll need dental records to identify you." Aww, how sweet.

Hot chicks need to be punished. Also, speaking in the third person is really annoying. Also, don't pick on the losers in School, because they will eventually grow up and kill you.

No more bullying!
A fairly typical, yet mostly-decent teen slasher, Valentine is far from perfect. It's but it's worth a watch, if you're down for some familiar slasher hi-jinks, but maybe catch it on cable or give it a rent rather than buy it.


Valentine is available now on DVD and VOD.

The Girls of Valentine can be our Valentine any day of the year.


  1. Hello I do not agree ...

  2. For me, I thought this was just a solid V-day themed slasher. It holds up today and along with Sorority Row and Black Christmas remake are my fave modern slahsers.