VOD Review: Cabin Fever: Patient Zero (2014)

The original Cabin Fever (2002) annoyed the hell of us to the point that we nearly walked out of the Theater before it was over. Not sure why, it just rubbed us the wrong way. When we revisited it on DVD a year or so later, we didn't hate it quite so much. Eventually, Cabin Fever grew on us, and it became one of our favorite Genre flicks of the 2000's.

In 2010, Ti West directed the sequel, Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever. The film's producers and executives re-shot and re-edited so much of the movie, that Ti West petitioned to have his name removed from the credits, and replaced with the infamous Alan Smithee moniker. No matter who is truly to blame for this one, the fact remains that it's a mess of a movie.

Four years later, there's a new Cabin Fever sequel for us to love or hate, and given the quirky nature and issues of the first two movies, we weren't sure whether we should be excited about a third installment in the series or not.

I suppose that it's not a very big surprise for us to say that this movie is a mixed bag at best.

On a remote island, a team of crack scientists are trying to create some sort of vaccine, which obviously doesn't work out so well. The virus that they do manage to create, somehow escapes the lab and kills a house full of people.. except for the guy hiding in the closet. His name is Porter, and apparently he is Patient Zero!

Samwise Gamgee is Porter.

The scientists keep Porter in a containment chamber, determined to use him as a guinea pig to find a cure for the virus that he carries... which they created in the first place, trying to create a vaccine for something else... Don't ask me. All I know is that Porter isn't happy being held prisoner, and so he pulls some crazy stunts that eventually forces the remote lab to go on lockdown.

Sam Un-wise is more like it.

On the other side of the island, three tools and a slut arrive by boat, determined to have themselves the lamest bachelor party ever, in what they think is a secluded paradise. After taking a swim with a bunch of dead and rotting fish, two of them become infected, forcing the other two to cross the island in search of help. They eventually find the lab, which is not only full of dead and infected people, but obviously not on lockdown anymore, or else how would a group of random morons like them be able to get inside?

She has the disease, but not the cure.

From here on out it's an all-out fight for survival, with Porter and the not-yet-infected friends trying to escape the germaphobe nightmare that they find themselves trapped in. Will they escape? Will they infect the world if they do? Is finding a cure to much to ask for? Far be it from us to spoil anything for you here, but suffice it to say that we stopped paying attention to plot details about halfway through this one.

Yeah, now seems like a great time to swap body fluids, morons.

The main star of this movie is the gore, and the good news is that it gets plenty of screen time. Special makeup effects creator and designer Vincent J. Guastini has served up a veritable feast of blood, gore, and practical FX with his work on this movie, and it is a beautiful thing to behold.

We also have to tip our hats to the ever lovely Jillian Murray, one of our favorite Horror Hotties, as she tends to make whatever she's in at least a bit more palatable. Sean Astin was alright here too.

In the end though, there's really only one reason to watch this movie, and that's the gore.

Steal that scene, girl!

The characters are one-dimensional and bring nothing more to this movie than a bunch of melodrama and annoyance. Sean Astin's Porter was alright, for the most part, but everyone else in this one existed only to become virus fodder.

Also, if this is a legitimate prequel to Cabin Fever, then why is it not explained how the two films are linked? How does the virus get from a tropical island all the way to Hooterville, USA? And in the first movie, there was no pandemic, just a small, contained outbreak of a flesh eating virus... so how could there have been not so much as one case of infection between the island and the setting of the original story? Maybe I'm thinking way too much here, but if it's a prequel, then it should be tied to the first movie in some way, and preferably a logical one.

Whoreifying.

So many things that happened in Patient Zero made very little sense. For example: If you're covered in infected blood, it's a smart thing to run to the nearest shower and at least try to wash it off of you before it can infect you... but why would you leave your bra and panties on while you shower? Undergarments soak up water and blood, you know, so leaving them on seems counterproductive to your trying to cleanse yourself of potential death.

I know that in movies like this you only have 90 minutes to kill everyone off, so you have to cut corners on common sense to a certain point, but come on.

Do scientists really dress like this, and if so, where exactly are they located?

Blood spewing, blood vomiting, skin rotting, skin slipping off of arms, oral sex gone wrong, head bashing, gun violence... this movie is a wall-to-wall gorefest.

Never trust a guy in a containment suit when he tells you that you'll be fine without one.

We get Jillian Murray going topless for a brief moment; an uncomfortable oral sex scene; a scientist who dresses like a complete whore; and there's a massive black dong that becomes an integral part of the plot.

We love us some Jillian Murray.

The "Dinner at the Y" scene has to be the standout here, because it made so little sense and caused so many sighs, moans, and dry heaves... from us. The dong bashing scene was "WTF" good too.

Why would you even?

Never trust Samwise Gamgee. Also, scientists are kinda stupid when it comes to matters of common sense.

Tricksy Hobbit!

No, this is not a great movie, hence its middle-of-the-road C grade. What Cabin Fever: Patient Zero is though, is a fun, gory spectacle that we enjoyed way more than we thought we would. Should you bother watching this one? Sure, if you're all about cool kill scenes and fantastic practical FX. If you're big on things like plot and characterization though, this movie is most definitely one you could skip.

C

Cabin Fever: Patient Zero is available now in Theaters (Limited) and on VOD, and it hits Blu-ray and DVD on September 2nd.

The lovely ladies of Cabin Fever: Patient Zero can infect us anytime with their... wait, no. That just sounds wrong. Let's just leave it at "they're lovely."