Guilty Pleasure Review: The Sand (2015)

"Fans of cheesy, B-grade Horror should love the hell out of this one."

Blood Sand; The Sand; Killer Beach; The Beach That Ate the Whores... alright, maybe that last one isn't real, but it's fitting. Point is, this movie, whatever the hell it's really supposed to be called, has had a bunch of different titles, and whether you see it on cable, Amazon, or DVD, it could be using any of them.

Whatever title it does use, it's safe to say that The Sand is aimed at the type of audience that loves cheesy, exploitative Horror flicks.

I mean, just going by the poster, this movie really should be called The Tits, which is pretty much its main selling point anyhow.

There's nothing that screams Spring Break quite like a good old fashioned beach party, is there? Drinking, drugs, nudity, sex, a couple of guys rolling a gigantic, slimy testicle up to the bonfire because "let's burn it!" Good times!

GOOD TIMES INDEED.

Turns out that gigantic testicle had some sort of monster in it or something, because when a gang of hungover partiers wakes up on the beach the next day, they find themselves trapped in a lifeguard station, a car, and a barrel; if they touch the sand, little tentacles creep up, stick to them, and pull them under, where we imagine they're turned into some sort of liquid snack.

The next 60 minutes is all about then trying to get off of the beach (via surfboard), and not making it.

WHY THE BLACK MAN GOTTA BE THE ONE STUCK IN THE BARREL, HUH?

The Sand is clearly an homage to the 1980 flick, Blood Beach, and it plays a lot like "The Raft" segment from Creepshow 2, so at least you know it was made by people who love Horror flicks. It's also meant to be cheesy fun and not taken seriously, which makes it enjoyable in that so-bad-it's-good way that we love.

Sexy girls in bikinis, some gruesome kills. cheesy dialogue, and even a pretty funny cameo by Jamie Kennedy; there's a lot to like here for fans of B-grade Horror flicks.

We also dig Brooke Butler. We've loved her since All Cheerleaders Die.

I really wish though that they had made it the actual beach itself that was eating the kids. No explanation as to why (or maybe it was pissed off that a bunch of partiers littered all over it or something), just somehow this beach started eating any living creature that steps on it. That would have made it a bit more crazy fun. 

OUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE PART OF THIS MOVIE: NIKKI LEIGH.

I know this movie wasn't trying to be Citizen Kane or anything, but the script and acting are pretty bad on the whole.

THAT'S IT, ASSHOLE, SHAKE IT'S HAND!

The CGI in this movie is pretty bad. Like something you'd see on the average SYFY original movie kind of bad. The little tentacle things looked pretty cool though.

SO BAD IT'S GOOD.

There's some CGI tentacle violence that tries to be gory, but doesn't ever amount to much.

HE'LL STAR IN ANYTHING THESE DAYS.

The ladies all sport bikinis in this one, and they look great, but it's Playboy Playmate Nikki Leigh who decides that she doesn't need to wear a top, and she was quite a sight to behold.

THIS MOVIE WOULD HAVE BEEN 10 TIMES BETTER IF EVERYONE HAD BEEN NAKED. EVERYONE!

"Oil does not do that, or the Quickie Lube guy would earn more than minimum wage!"
"It was the Government!"
"Why is Fat Albert in the trashcan?"
"This is way worse than the lady with a horseshoe crab up her ass."

"BUT I POOP FROM THERE!"

If you like movies like Sharknado, Piranhaconda, Mega Fist vs. Butteroid, or any original movie that premieres on the SYFY Channel, then you're probably going to have a good time with The Sand. If bad, B-grade movies aren't your thing though, you should probably spend 80-minutes watching something else.

We had fun with it.

The Sand is available now on DVD and VOD.

The beach bunnies of The Sand are so hot, that they got their own Horror Hottie post, right over HERE!