February 12, 2014

The Obligatory: 10 Horror Movies to watch on Valentines Day!

Most "Horror movies you have to watch on Valentines Day!" lists tend to involve the same old movies; My Bloody Valentine (both versions), Valentine, Lovers Lane, Zombie Honeymoon, Dracula (any version of), Candyman, Play Misty For Me, Fatal Attraction, or any other Horror movie with any variation of the words Bride or Love in the title.

Sure, most of those titles are absolutely appropriate for a Valentines Day celebration (anti or otherwise), but they're also more than obvious. There are plenty of Horror Movies out there that deal with the topic of love; most of them happen to deal with the sicker and more twisted aspects of love, but that's what we're looking for to begin with, right?

So let's dig a little deeper to find the movies of our genre that show love in all of its many forms; incest, necrophilia, rape, gay rape, abuse, bestiality, revenge, obsession, cuckolding... sometimes, they even contain more than one of these elements at once! The following movie romances are the ones that have gone way wrong, and some that were just never right to begin with, but who are we to judge!

*Warning* As a general rule, I'd avoid eating dinner while watching most of these.

Calvaire (2004)
Calvaire is the story of a lonely old man whose whore wife ran away and left him feeling all lonely, because she was a whore; and of Marc, a shitty lounge singer who becomes the lonely old man's new "wife." There's lots of creepy nuzzling and forced cuddling in this one, and also plenty of man-on-man rape. Hell, the townsfolk are so hungry for love in this movie that they even gang-rape a pig. Bottom line is, it's a love story for all ages. And species. (Our Review HERE.)

Amityville II: The Possession (1982)
Amityville II isn't a love story per se, but it does showcase a creepy love affair between a brother and sister that most likely drove one of them to kill their whole family. Sure, that kind of love is all forbidden and everything, and it obviously invites Demonic Possession, but Diane Franklin was so cute in this movie... that's not to say that we endorse sibling coitus in any way... but we don't not endorse it either. *Ambiguity intensifies* (Our Review HERE.)

Antichrist (2009)
Worst married couple ever? Maybe not, but He and She from Antichrist come very close to winning that title: She crushes his jewels with a millstone, and then makes him orgasm blood; He strangles her to death. Oh, there's plenty more that happens between the unhappily married couple, but the point is that their unique love play is the kind of thing that makes a marriage strong... at least in Lars Von Trier's world.  (Our Review HERE.)

Audition (1999)
Guys, you never, ever, wait to call a woman for more than a day after a date, because if you do, you end up being tortured in indescribably horrible ways. Also, your dog ends up dead. This movie is a warning to all careless playboys that creepy, insane women have hearts too, and that breaking them will cost you limbs and organs. Kiri kiri kiri kiri kiri kiri! (Our Review HERE.)

Buio Omega (1979)
Frank loves his girlfriend so much, that he continues to date her even after she's dead. He injects her corpse with some semen (to preserve her), and then proceeds to romance her cold, rotting husk like any normal man in love would do. Problems arise though when his nanny gets jealous, and a not-erotic-at-all love triangle develops. This movie goes to show you that true love never dies; it just rots a little bit, each day. Slowly. (Our Review HERE.)

Burial Ground (1981)
Amidst the outbreak of a Zombie Invasion, a mother and her son learn to love each other, and in doing so, manage to become even creepier than the horde of undead that are trying to kill them. Little Michael is one of the creepiest kids ever committed to film (he's played by an adult, by the way), and to see he and his mother canoodling and rubbing each other up will forever be one of the most uncomfortable things that we've ever witnessed. Yes, even worse than watching James Spader sing "We Walk the Night" in Tuff Turf. (Our Review HERE.)

Haute Tension (2003)
This movie is a testament to the power of love, and how it can drive you insane, especially when you're insane to begin with. I mean, what kind of chick in their right mind takes off after a bloodthirsty maniac who has just kidnapped the love of your life, after he's slaughtered her whole family? French chicks, that's who. Lesbian French chicks. If nothing else, Haute Tension goes to show you just how committed a woman can be. Literally, and figuratively. (Our Review HERE.)

Possession (1981)
Infidelity will kill a relationship quicker than anything else, especially when your significant other is cheating on you with some mongoloid Cthulhu-like thing, and letting it put its tentacles wherever it damn well pleases... all while rubbing your face in it! A situation like that just can't really end well for anyone involved. The fact that the whole thing came off like some crazy cuckold porn didn't help matters either. (No Review.)

Macabre (1980)
Taking the whole "true love can never die" thing to the nth degree, this bitch right here decides to keep her dead lover's head in her freezer... so that she can continue to make passionate love to it (especially oral love.) The final shot in this movie will make you believe that Cupid is in fact out there, and that he uses his bow for the sake of evil. Also, that poor blind guy... all he ever wanted to do was to get laid!  (Our Review HERE.)

Sleepwalkers (1992)
The bond between a mother and a son is a strong one indeed, but in Sleepwalkers, that bond involves sex, so, the sweetness is sucked out of that romantic notion pretty quick. The movie also proves a long-held theory of ours, that cats hate incest; Clovis and his feline army put an end to that twisted shit pretty damn quick! Also, Madchen Amick is pretty adorable in this one, and if she doesn't inspire feelings of love in you, then you've never really watched Twin Peaks. (Our Review HERE.)

So there you have it; 10 horrific movies that take the wonderful notion of love, and twist it beyond any and all recognition. Now go and find these movies, watch them, and enjoy your special day of romance!

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