Solo Review: Calvaire (The Ordeal) (2004)

The worst singer in the history of France (Marc) gets whats coming to him... that's what this movie is all about. I mean, the old folks that he sings his atrocious songs for may appreciate him, and even try to feel him up now and then, but anyone else not on death's door (and with any sort of an ear for music) will loathe him.

Marc decides to take the back roads as he heads for the South of France for an X-mas gig, when his lame-ass van breaks down. Luckily for him, some retarded guy with an invisible dog comes along, and takes him to an inn for the night. The Inn is owned by Bartel, who looks eerily like a creepy version of Paul Giamatti on crack, but nowhere near as charming.

Rape.

So Bartel takes Marc in, makes him some food, and gets him to sing a love song to him. So crappy is his voice, that Bartel ties him up, shaves his head, puts him in a dress, and calls him Gloria. Then he rapes him.

Then this shit happens...


From there on out it only gets weirder, with the whole village wanting a piece of "Gloria" and his sweet ass, having a shotgun fight, and creeping me the fuck out. I won't spoil the ending here, because I'm still trying to make sense out of it, but suffice it to say that the last line in the movie is "I love you."

"I love you too, Gaston!"

Calvaire is basically Deliverance in the French Countryside, but with less Ned Beatty, and way more rape. The film looks great, and it maintains an uneasy feel throughout, until eventually the unease turns to anguish during the more violent scenes. Once you realize that everyone in this movie is insane, it makes you feel even more skeeved out about what you're seeing. I can't say that I've seen many movies that are as bizarre as this one is. Writer/Director Fabrice Du Welz was obviously going for something different in this movie, and he most definitely achieved his goal. This movie is an odd duck, to say the least.

Something, something, hanging around. Zing!

Gay male rape... lots of gay male rape.

"Rape Crew comin' through!"

A gang rape... on a pig!!! I'm not making this up!

Even the kids get in on this one.

I have to say, and I hope that you agree, that Rape counts as Gore. This movie is filled with tons of rape and rape-like violence, but isn't overly excessive with the blood or viscera. Don't get me wrong though, there is plenty to be seen here, including; a crucifixion, some corpses, and the main character being pretty well bloodied to a pulp.

Meet Gloria. Used to be Marc.

 

Aside from an all-male gang-rape on a pig, some regular man-on-man rape, and a gay gang-rape on a guy in a dress, this one was devoid of any sexuality.

Stay away from the French Countryside if you're a guy and you don't like rape.

Uber-douche.

Calvaire is an odd, definitely disturbing movie, and I urge you to check it out if you like your Horror along the lines of Deliverance or Southern Comfort. If you prefer your Horror to have a little less man-rape, then skip it and go rent/buy something else.

B-

Calvaire is available on DVD now.

WTF was gong on in this  movie?!?