Review: The Crazies (2010)

"Is it a crime for me to say I liked this remake more than I did the original?"

In Attendance- Me, Machine, and Ms. Machine.
Cast Members of Note- Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell, Danielle Panabaker, and Joe Anderson.

The small town of Asscrack, Iowa is turned on its ear and ravaged by a nasty little virus that turns its residents into pissed-off, zombie-like killing machines, and it's up to Sheriff Bad-Ass to save the day. He's up to it too, don't let his kind smile fool you; he will make a hand-knife and rock your world!

Oh, someone's ass is sooo getting kicked!

It's not long before the Government shows up in creepy containment suits, separating the healthy from the sick, and herding them on buses which are going to take them all to "safety." Luckily for his wife, Sheriff Bad-Ass realizes that "safety" means "we're going to kill you," and he stages a one-man-war against The Man, determined to get his wife to real safety!

"We're here to help."

Things go from bad to worse as the Sheriff and his posse of survivors try to find a tractor or something to get them out of dodge, to no avail. Who will live? Who will die? Will the Government prove to be evil and self-serving by covering their blunder up, or do the right thing and own up to their mistake and help. Ha. We all know the answer to that last one.

Let's see,who is going to live, and who is going to die...

This was one pretty entertaining remake. I thought it was darker and a bit more sinister than the 70's original, and that's a good thing. Bloody, nasty and pretty intense, The Crazies made the most of the "infected" sub-genre, and managed to make me squirm a few times. It reminded me an awful lot of 1988's The Blob, in tone and feel; small town, evil Government, a raging contagion... although the absence of Brian Flagg was more than glaring.

Timothy Olyphant is one hell of an actor. He has this likable quality about him with an underlying aura of bad-assery that is a perfect mix. Radha Mitchell is a hot little Aussie actress that is quickly becoming one of our favorite genre stars. She can also act her ass off too, and very naturally, which makes her doubly dangerous on screen.

You will always be my hero, Brian Flagg!

Stay here? A virus has driven the entire town stark-raving mad, the Government is running around killing anyone they find alive who isn't in a containment suit, the local Hillbilly Militia is doing the same thing, and you want me to stay out here in the dark while you run off to "check things out?" Go to hell. You know you're going to come back and I'll be gone. Do you want me dead? UGH!

This is what "stay here" gets you!

Again, why an otherwise good Horror movie has to use the dreaded jump scare music cue to elicit scares, is beyond me. This movie had enough tension and creepiness about it that I didn't need to be told every 5 minutes that something was scary, and especially by a suddenly loud and sharp musical cue. Maybe I bitch about it too much, but it's a cheap tactic that IS NOT necessary. Especially in a movie like this.

Nuance.

There's a fair amount of blood and violence in this one, and some of it was fairly surprising and fun. By fun I mean messy and nasty, which is what we consider fun. All I have to say is the part with the scissors in the hand may be my favorite scene so far this year. Ouch. And the guy with the pitchfork was really creepy, and really liked to use it. A lot.

Yeah, so he's obviously not here to help.

 

Nope. Not that kind of Horror flick. However, Radha Mitchell can be seen naked in a bunch of her other movies. She also seems partial to doing lesbian sex scenes on camera. That, coupled with her past genre roles, accent and hotness, makes her a legitimate Horror Hottie on the rise. Danielle Panabaker is no slouch either.

Don't drink the water. Also, whenever someone tells you "stay here," tell them to go to hell and follow them wherever they go. Splitting up is just silly.

This is what splitting up gets you. Dead.

The Crazies was a good remake that despite the issues I had with it, left me satisfied and even curious to see it again. Timothy Olyphant is way underrated as an actor, as is the hot, hot, hot Radha Mitchell, and I think they were perfectly cast in this. You won't be remiss spending your dough to see this one, unless you really don't like the whole "infected" sub-genre. Check it out either way.

B

Two Hotties in this one makes for very happy Horror fans!

 

 

 

Review: The Graves (2010)

Cast Members of Note- Jillian "yum yum" Murray and Clare "I'd do her even if she had a penis" Grant play the Graves, and genre veterans Bill Moseley, Tony Todd and Amanda Wyss play creepy people.

The Graves sisters are a pair of hot, sassy riot grrrls that are having a last weekend of fun together before the oldest sister, Megan (mmm), goes off and leaves innocent little Abby behind in favor of a job in another city. How cold is that? You know that Abby can't survive on her own. She's too sweet and vulnerable and... Oh hey, I really like your shirt. Is that an extra small?

I dare you to look at anything other than her boobs. Even her sister is checking them out on the sly!

... and so they drive off into the Arizona desert together (?) and become lost. Instead of turning around and trying to figure out where the hell they are, they decide to pull over at the old abandoned Skull City mines which is now a tourist attraction (??), pay $7 each, and take the tour. Huh??? Who does that? Maybe you stop at a strip club when you're lost, to ask for directions. Maybe. Even then you'd better have a few hundred dollars on you for... I'm getting sidetracked again...

Taking the tour of Skull City doesn't seem like such a fun idea now, does it girls?

... and of course the mine is run by a group of homicidal and quirky maniacs who quickly set upon the girls intent on killing them, because they answer to a higher power that demands it. That's really the whole thing in a nutshell; Hot, dumb chicks travel to the middle of the desert, tour a makeshift murder complex, and suffer for their blunder.

"How you liking the tour, bitch?"

A battle for survival ensues the likes of which you've seen dozens and dozens of times before in cheesy Horror flicks. Hundreds even. Will the girls survive Skull City? What in the hell is rocking in that chair? Will Bill Moseley ever get tired of playing twisted and witty psychopaths? I don't know. All I really want to know is when is Clare Grant going to do porn? Even soft-core. I'm not picky.

"Question my career choices again, Horror-Boy, and I'll bleed you dry with a fucking butter knife."

Aside from most of this movie being an overly familiar and run-of-the mill Survival Horror flick, I did really like the whole invisible "higher power" thing. They didn't really focus on that aspect of the movie much, which may be why it intrigued me so much. I want to know if it was a Demon, spirit, or just an invisible guy that likes being worshiped. I guess we will find out in the sequel? Yes, "Return to Skull City" is happening.

Jillian Murray and Clare Grant. Sure, you know I'm going to say how hot they are, talk about their boobs, and make some sort of sexual innuendo in an attempt to be clever, but wait, there's more... they can actually act. In fact, their on screen charisma was about all that saved this movie from being unwatchable at times.

Genre veterans Bill Moseley and Tony Todd make an appearance here, playing the same characters they normally do, only not as interesting. Still, it's always fun to watch Bill, and I love Candyman, so Tony Todd is cool with me too. And what a surprise to see Amanda Wyss (Tina from the original A Nightmare on Elm Street) in this one. And is that the singer from Lamb of God playing one of the town psychos? This movie is packed with odd cameos. Neat.

"We did good?"

Wow, is that Tina from A Nightmare on Elm Street? How old is she now? I was all about her back when I was a hormone-filled 14-year-old, and she wasn't... 52? 55 maybe? Such a shame. Hot or not ladies, this is what happens to you all, so make sexy hay while the dirty sun shines, because someday you will be not hot anymore.

At least she's still hot.

If I'm ever hopelessly lost in the middle of a desert, the LAST thing I'm doing is stopping at a place called Skull City to see the sights. If you're two lost, hot girls in the middle of nowhere, you don't stop at some place that looks like it exists only to provide a quiet place to "hide the bodies." How fun can it be touring an abandoned Mining Complex anyhow? Now if I ever came across a place called Vagina Village...

Fun trip so far, ladies?

There's some pretty good gore in this one, although CGI blood is really obvious to me and annoys me to no end. Some of the death scenes were pretty cool too, though there weren't a ton of them.

I'm going on record right now as saying that not seeing Clare Grant naked in this movie may be the worst blunder Mankind has ever endured. Ever. It is a travesty to hide what she has with clothes, and not share her Carnal Bounty with us. She's special. Jillian would look good sans shirt too, I'm sure.

Seth Green gets to see those in real life.

"They all beg."

The sisterly bond is very strong. Also, visiting a place called Skull City is never a good idea.

Yummy.

This is a barely average flick that was made watchable thanks to its talented and hot lead actresses. Had it not been for Clare Grant and Jillian Murray, this would have been another one of those movies that made a lot of us hit the FF button on the DVD player, or stop it all together. It's a mindless good time, and if you don't mind seeing the same old thing that you've seen plenty of times before, then you may just enjoy it. Just be prepared for an odd feeling of DEJA VU.

C-

What can I even say about Clare Grant, other than I think I'd watch her in just about anything. *Addendum: Apparently Clare Grant is now married to Seth Green, so, good for her.

Also, Jillian Murphy is fairly sexilicious as well.

 

This actually exists...

I have no words.

Review: Sorority Row (2009)

Remember when Slasher flicks used to be fun? You know, a bunch of hot teenage chicks and dumb teenage guys would be brought together in a secluded locale for whatever reason, and then find themselves systematically picked off in bloody, painful ways?

Blood, boobs, clever kill scenes, and a killer out for  revenge because they were wronged so many years ago... That was good stuff. Usually.

The good girl always lives, the whore always dies... but then again so does the bitch, the fat guy, the plain chick, and most of the time the plain, nice guy too. Twist endings were fun back then, and didn't feel like some sort of shitty gimmick, and would at least set up a sequel or something. They were all shallow and exploitative, perhaps, but they were loads of fun anyway. They were like forbidden fruit.

Check out that forbidden fruit.

Well, you can throw all of that shameless fun out the window, because this remake of House On Sorority Row is devoid of anything redeemable. Soroity Row was talked up as being "a return to the glory days of old school Slasher flicks," which is pretty much a lie. Off-screen kills with little blood or gore; VERY little shameless nudity or sex; characters that ALL deserve to die painfully; a sorry script that made us both laugh and cry at the same time; and an ending that gave us three "twists," all of which sucked.

Oh yeah, and we also get Carrie Fisher showing up to collect a paycheck. My, how Princess Leia has fallen.

Now throw it with deadly accuracy, random college chick!

Recently I've been harsh on flicks like Twilight and H2, which were both abysmal in their own way, but at least they got some things right; Twilight, as pathetic as it all is, at least stayed true to what it was aiming for; and H2, while making me want to throw a sleeping child over a cliff, at least had some cool gore, and it managed to get at elast a few Horror elements right... Sorority Row though, just took a crap on the floor of the genre, rolled around in it, and then had the gall to ask us for a hug.

This is exactly the kind of genre movie that deserves genre hate, with its glossy, empty veneer, and it's crowd-cheating jump scares. How do you mess up the concept of a bunch of hot, slutty coeds taking showers, having sex, and being sliced and diced? You can't, because it's a no-brainer!

Such wasted potential...

Let me give you a quick rundown: there's a chick named Chuggs... what kind of douche-baggery is that?; College chicks are portrayed as mentally challenged, slutty, evil, plotting harpies... forget that one, because it's not too far from the actual truth; there's a tire iron with a knives on it that can be thrown with deadly accuracy down long hallways and easily bury itself right in the middle of someones forehead; we get bodies that don't immediately tumble over when a tire iron with knives on it is thrown with deadly accuracy down a long hallway, and easily buries itself right in the middle of their head forehead; there's a lame, "fake" twist, followed by an even more lame "real" twist, and then yet another twist before the credits that will make you roll your eyes in disgust. Or laugh.

Do I need to say anymore? No? Good.

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In summary, all I can say about Sorority Row is that it's horrendous, and if you waste your time and money seeing it, then shame on you.

This movie can suck it.

When not even a gaggle of ill-behaved Hotties are enough to save a cheap Horror flick, you know you're in trouble.