Solo Review: The Happening (2008)

I didn't even want to do this review, but if my warning can save even one person from having to endure this travesty, then it was all worth it. If you don't believe me, and think I'm being overly snarky with what follows, just watch the movie. If anything, I feel as if I'm actually being overly kind...

Plants hate us as much as M. Night loves himself; that means immeasurably. They see how we humans are so mean, and selfish, and how we're destroying this beautiful world of our, so they decide to start releasing a mysterious neurotoxin into the air that makes us kill ourselves. No one knows how to react, and the world looks to be doomed, until High School science Teacher Marky Mark shows up.

Once Marky Mark screams "get scientific, douche bag!" at himself (seriously), he figures it all out; stay ahead of the wind and stay in a big group, and the plants cant kill us. From that point forward, everyone focuses on running away from the wind, because that seems possible. Luckily, it cant catch 20 milling city folk, because obviously wind is slow. He also figures out that "Kiladelphia" is a witty play on words for Philadelphia, because, danger; mood rings are an indicator of said danger; math riddles calm hysterical people down during a "Happening"; plants, trees and grass can communicate with each other; wind is really scary; plants release co-transporters in the air... unless it's trying to be funny, this movie makes little sense.

Sure, he's totally believable as a Teacher...

At one point, Marky Mark finds a little tree in the den of a farmhouse they hide out in and says the following (looking terrified all the while); "Hello? My name is Elliot Moore, I'm just going to talk in a very positive manner, giving off good vibes... were just here to use the bathroom, I hope that's ok." The tree turns out to be plastic. Wow, that's funny... almost as funny as 9 year old cancer patients with aids being mauled to death by lions. Less funny even.

So now they decide that they have to stay away from large groups of people... whatever. At least they find a radio tied to a fence in the middle of nowhere. Then during another inane speech and delivery by Marky, Zooey delivers the most ironic line of the movie; "Are you joking?" That part was actually perfect, because she unknowingly described everyone's reaction to this half-assed movie.

The ending is about as anti climactic as it gets, and it sucks ass as much as the rest did.

Us, after the movie ended.

It ended.

The worst part of this whole mess is that M. Night thinks that he's making some sort of grand social commentary here, and teaching us heathens in the audience something. He also thinks he is relevant, which he himself proves over and over again that he is not.

The script. The acting. The premise. The plot. I'm seriously wondering if Shaymalananan made this movie as a joke, or if he has seriously gone insane.

Don't pout, you all knew what this was.

There's some blood and gore in this one, but who cares.

M. Night's filmography should have stopped with Signs. Also, The Happening sucked worse than his last two movies, and that's saying a metric ton.

BTW, you spell your name wrong.

F uck you M. Night Shayamalanananan, right in your pretentious little ass.

If you haven't gathered as much lately, we really hated this movie. It's become more than apparent that M. Night's self-important ass sees himself as some sort of filmic messiah, sent to save our meager souls with his profound and relevant works... NO.

This movie is really bad, so unless you watch movies ironically, do yourself a favor and ship this one.

The scene where Marky Mark fights the wind, and stops it from destroying NYC, was fantastic... too bad it was cut from the film along with Nic Cage's cameo!