Solo Review: Teeth (2008)

My first Solo Review!! Sometimes, I see things outside of the group setting of The Horror Club, and why not share my experiences anyways, right? Don't be mad, Machine; I'll bring you some tapioca next time to make up for it. I promise.

This is based on the true story of John and Lorena Bobbitt, except that instead of a knife that separates penis's from bodies, its a vagina lined with shark teeth. And no one bares any resemblance to an unhappy wife or a cheating husband whatsoever. And it's about teenagers and chastity. Other than that, its pretty much the same exact story.

QT with an evil cootie.

Dawn, the teenage leader of the boring local "Let's not have sex before marriage" club, discovers that she has a man-eating clam (and were talking a hungry clam with teeth here), and proceeds to freak out. As she starts to become horny, and thus less lame, she gives in to her creepy-ass "I'll just rape you then" love interest, and her vagina eats his wiener.

Looks cute, doesn't it? It's not.

She finds little in the way of help from her OB/GYN, as she seeks answers about her evil cooter. He loses his fingers as payment for her exam (her HMO sucks.) I won't tell you how it happens, or what creepy-ass crap he says/does to her, other than to say he reminds me a lot of my proctologist... Anywho, the feminist rampage is now in full swing, and by the end of the movie, which I won't spoil here, no one has a penis anymore. Oops.

Dude, you're so screwed.

A pretty fun, yet absolutely disturbing flick, Teeth was a fun watch. Sure, it may have some feminist over/undertones, but it was subtle enough not to ruin the movie. Jess Weixler steals the show as Dawn, the poor girl with the Vagina Dentata, and she made me like her character throughout, despite the whole severed manhood thing. She should have a bright future in Hollywood.

This movie is definitely handled with tongue-in-cheek gloves, but aside from some distracting subplots that drag, its a fun ride. It's also really disturbing.

Man-hating vagina aside, isn't she cute?

Some stereotypical male characters that do nothing for the movie, and really it drags a bit aside from the Horror scenes.

Don't be creepy about it, dude.

I'm a little scared of women now. I won't eat hot dogs anymore, either.

Equal parts QT and creepy.

A vagina destroys digits and penis', so of course it gets gory. Also, the scene with the dog was one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen. Every man will cringe.

"So... women's suffrage is a good thing?"

Jess Weixler gets naked and does stuff with her man-hating vagina.

Censored, for your un-pleasure.

"It's Latin for teeth" or "I haven't even jerked off since Easter"

Don't rape, and especially don't rape your sister. Also, dogs will eat anything.

Anything!

A fresh and interesting take on Teen Terror, Teeth is a must see movie. It's not perfect, but it's darkly humorous and kinda freaky, so I'd grab a copy of this when you can. Also, I dare you to eat hot dogs while watching it. Seriously. You won't be able to.

B-

Teeth is available now on DVD and VOD.

Oh Jess, where have you been all of our lives?