June 7, 2008

DVD Review: Witchboard (1986)

Sub-Genre- Ouija Board/Supernatural
In Attendance- Me, Machine, Geo, Chris, Susan, Christian (He shows up sometimes), Amanda, and Sadie (She's the dog.)

 
Not to be confused with: Witchtrap; Witchcraft 1-13; The Worst Witch; Witchbabe; Nipple of the Witch; Death Spa (a.k.a Witch Bitch); Which Witch is from Dunwich?; or any sort of effective Horror movie whatsoever; mainly because Witchboard contains no Witches at all. It is also in no way, shape or form, bewitching (not counting of course the slutty hotness of Tawny Kitaen.)  

And she was all kinds of slutty hot.
Tawny Kitaen, the Whitesnake video tramp, messes around with a Ouija Board at a party one night, and manages to unleash an evil spirit on her and her party-going friends. She then poses for a few album covers, sleeps with a ton of Hair Metal guys, and whores herself out on David Coverdale's Jaguar.

Her career went downhill from here.
Bad acting, slow pacing and blandness ensue. I won't give the end away here, but suffice it to say that it sucked too.

The Malfeitor can Mal-blow me.
One thing stands out here, and one thing only:

The hotness of Tawny Cocaine Kitaen.
I remember this movie scaring the hell out of me in the 80's, and I have no idea why. Break Dancers with Downs Syndrome move quicker, and have more life in them than does this movie. They're far more frightening too. Witchboard fails miserably as a Horror film; It's slow, not much happens, and there are hardly any moments of tension or fright contained within to justify sitting through it. It's just plain painful to get through.

Even Machine, who likes everything, says that this movie was more painful to abide than an inaccessible playground. Don't ask.

Just nod your head and avoid eye contact... it's what we do.
Why Tawny Kitaen wasn't naked throughout the whole movie is beyond me.

Damn she looks good when she's all possessed.
One good death scene, but pretty bare other than that.

A very brief scene of Tawny getting out of the shower, where you can see everything. Should have been way longer though.

You built your career on sex appeal... be naked more!
Nothing.

This is pretty much how watching this movie felt.
Our very first DO NOT WANT! grade could not go to a more deserving flick... well, it could, but Witchboard is still plenty deserving, because it's horrible.

Avoid this shit unless you like to suffer.

Witchboard is available now on Blu-ray and VOD.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00GJ7CUFG/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00GJ7CUFG&linkCode=as2&tag=thehorclu0a-20&linkId=LO6LGMXVO4IRYCIW

Tawny Kitaen is the definition of 80's Hot.

4 comments :

  1. Hahahahahah.

    Breakdancers with Down Syndrome.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's slow, not much happens, and there are hardly any moments of tension or fright contained within to justify sitting through it.

    ReplyDelete
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