Theatrical Review: Rings (2017)

"Boredom is Reborn."

(aka Why?)
Release Date: In Theaters now.
Rating: PG-13
Country: USA.
Written by: David Loucka and Jacob Estes.
Directed by: F. Javier Gutierrez.
Starring: Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz, Johnny Galecki, Vincent D'Onofrio, Aimee Teegarden, and Lizzie Brochere.

With both Rings and Sadako vs. Kayako coming out this year, I had high hopes that at least one of them would be good, and bring back that late 90's-early 00's reign of effective J-Horror, even if it was only briefly.

I haven't seen Sadako vs. Kayako yet, but if its up to Rings to make our hunger for J-Horror grow once again, then it looks like we're going to go hungry for a while longer.

After a plane crashes because some dumbass who watched Samara's tape thought he could outrun his ghostly fate, we find that little David from Roseanne is all grown up, and is now a douchey college professor who likes to bang his students. While at the Compton Swap Meet, he finds the VCR belonging to the kid on the plane, and guess what's in it? Yep, it's the tape.

NOPE.

Professor Douche starts a club called "The Sevens"; which is a group of kids who watch the tape, then copy it and get a "Tail" to watch it, so that they can safely study its effects or some such shit without dying. You know it's just a matter of time before the whole "Tail" system fails, and people start dying though, because what kind of a dumbass idea was this to begin with? And where does an experimental biology professor get the money to build a clubhouse filled with so much tech equipment? And what the hell is experimental biology?

YEAH THAT'S IT, DICKHEAD. ADJUST THE TRACKING LIKE IT'LL HELP.

When our heroine Julia's boyfriend Holt goes missing after watching the tape, she's drawn into the world of The Sevens, and ends up having to watch the tape in order to keep him alive, which prompts them both to go on a fact-finding mission to discover the truth behind Samara's curse.

Don't worry. It's not very scary.

MEH.

Samara is back! And this time, instead of relying on an antiquated video cassette to spread her curse, she can use the Internet for her dirty deeds, and she can crawl out of tablets, iPhones, and computers. She's the kind of girl who knows how to adapt to the digital age.

Then again, people are still using a VCR to watch the video tape in this one, so maybe she's not quite the vengeful millennial spirit that we think she is.

This movie had some interesting ideas going for it. The whole "bringing Samara into the digital age" angle could have bared some fun fruit had they stuck with it instead of going the "two dumb kids bumble around for answers" route.

At least he movie looked slick.

The cast was decent enough too. It was nice to see Aimee Teegarden in something again, and Vincent D'Onofrio is always a treat, although what he was doing in this movie, and in such a small role, is beyond me. The dude from Big Bang Theory has always annoyed us though, and we've been watching him act since he showed up on Roseanne in the early 90's. He's pretty much the star power in this one, so make of that what you will.

NOT AS EASY CRAWLING OUT OF AN OLED TV NOW, IS IT?

This movie is confused as hell.

On one hand, it's about a d-bag college professor who leads a group of "ringers" who watch the tape and pass it on to other people like it's a game. They even have a super secret clubhouse that looks like something out of Hackers. He does this, apparently, to study the curse, although that doesn't truly make a lot of sense to me, as putting your students lives in danger to understand something so deadly seems pretty irresponsible.

On the other, it's a mystery of Samara's origins that involves a skeevy priest, kidnapping and rape, and a blind dude who warns Julia to "be careful" after noticing a mark on her hand. Most of the movie follows her and Holt as they try to find out who Samara was, why she's haunting everyone, and how to stop her. And why she's been "marked" and gets to see different footage in the tape that no one but her can see. Honestly, what's with her having visions of Samara before even watching the tape?

The problem is that no matter how many plots there are, or how silly or confusing they may be, everything could have been salvaged had they given us plenty of creepy Samara action... which they absolutely did not. When she does show up, which is only a few times, it's really not scary at all.

THAT LOOK OF SHOCK WHEN SHE REALIZES THAT THEY'RE SHUTTING DOWN THE IMDB MESSAGE BOARDS FOR GOOD.

The movie opens up on a really strong note on a plane, where a kid who has seen the deadly tape is trying to make a run for it on his 7th day. It's dark, quiet, sets a creepy and foreboding mood, and then just as things start to go wrong, and you just know Samara is about to strike, the scene cuts out, leaving us asking "WTF?!"

Why not let that scene breathe, and give us a full-on Samara attack instead of some quick-cut bullshit that really showed nothing in the end? What a waste of potential. 

AT LEAST WE GOT TO SEE LAURA WIGGINS FOR A MINUTE OR TWO.

It's a PG-13 flick. There's very little in the way of gore to be had here.

THE BLOODIEST SCENE IN THE MOVIE.

Matilda Lutz looks good in panties, but that's a racy as this one gets.

"PUT THEM ON THE GLASS" DOES NOT MEAN YOUR HANDS!

Rings feels more like a direct-to-video sequel than it does a theatrical release, but given the series' huge name recognition, it almost had to premiere in theaters. It's an alright movie, it just doesn't have much in the way of intensity or scares like the first movie, or its Japanese counterparts did.

This is more of a mystery than it is any sort of Horror flick. Watch accordingly.

D+

Rings is in theaters now.

Matilda, Aimee, and Laura.