VOD Review: Blood Glacier (2014)

Let's get two things straight right off the bat here:

1- People can compare Blood Glacier to John Carpenter's 1982 classic The Thing all they want to, but this movie is in no way even close to that same level of quality. Both are set in deserted, remote, and snowy locales; and both involve hostile organisms inhabiting hosts and mutating them. That is where the similarities end.

2- The English language dub of this movie was so bad that it was comical at times. Like Bad Movie comical. Blood Glacier is a perfect example of why Foreign films should be seen in their native language, with appropriate subtitles.

All of that said, for being a movie that was reportedly made on a very tiny budget (Euro's? Schillings?), Blood Glacier was a lot of mindless fun.

Blood Glacier aka Blutgletscher aka The Station, is the story of how climate change is slowly destroying our world, and subsequently spawning Blood Glaciers that are out to mutate our genetics and kill us.

Deep in the Austrian Alps, a misfit band of scientists discover a glacier that is made of blood. Everyone thinks this is a great discovery save for Janek, who is more interested in drinking and being all moody. When Janek's dog, Tinnie, wanders his dumb ass into the glacier and is attacked by something which everyone assumes is a rabid fox, it becomes apparent that something is amiss with their wonderful new discovery. From this point forward, the words "rabid" and "fox" are used around 436 times throughout the film.

The shittiest drawing of a fox shitting out a croissant, ever.

As the scientists try to figure out what in the hell is going on with the bleeding ice and rabid foxes, a group of journalists are escorting Santa Claus and his wife to the remote encampment. This group is lead (of course) by Janek's ex-girlfriend, who abandoned he and Tinnie months ago, and killed his baby (Janek's, not Tinnie's. We think.) Meanwhile, the Blood Glacier disappears, and Janek pisses on a giant mutated bug, which either kills it or renders it inert. *At this point, we paused the movie and did 14 shots of whiskey, because there was no way we were watching the rest of this crazy mess sober.

Santa can't believe that Mrs. Claus is drunk... again.

A girl in a skimpy top and shorts comes running out of nowhere, being chased by a mutant pigeon or something, and ends up getting herself stung in the leg. Why she's jogging through the Austrian Alps wearing next to nothing is beyond us, because we assumed that anywhere there's a (blood) glacier, it would be cold as hell. Maybe that's because of global warming too... Anywho, the group lead by Janek's ex finds the injured girl, and takes her to the research station. Then a retarded Ibex attacks, the old woman flips her shit and starts attacking things with a giant drill, a guy's neck explodes into a shower of flying insects, and poor Tinnie becomes a mother, even though he' a boy.

We're not really sure what in the hell we just watched.

"Boy, what is it? Have you crazy?"

There are some really good moments throughout Blood Glacier; some are funny, some are creepy, and some made us think "where the hell did they come up with this shit?" As schlocky as Blood Glacier's mutated beasts looked at times, they also managed to feel fairly threatening and ominous (The mutant Ibex was a thing of twisted beauty.) The movie also boasts a good level of practical FX and gore that was fun and entertaining for the most part.

This is a movie that was made on the cheap, and definitely makes the most out of its limited resources. The gorgeous Austrian Alps locales helped a lot in that department.

Oh yeah, and the dog in this movie, Tinnie (credited as Santos on IMDB) is gorgeous. He was also the best actor of the bunch as well. Don't believe us? He's credited 4th in the cast list. We are not even kidding.

"Oh God, I can see forever!"

***BEWARE ENDING SPOILERS***
The ending made us shake our heads. The pure silliness of it, especially in relation to the whole "abortion" discussion earlier in the film, just made no sense. I mean how did the dog "give birth" to a mutant humanoid? We imagine that Tinnie licking Janek's hand while infected had something to do with it, but come on. And as scientists, do they think that bringing the mutant baby back to civilization is a wise move? What, are they actually going to raise it as their own?

There's really no way that this ending was meant to be taken seriously, and if it was, then whoever conceived of such a thing should stop conceiving of things going forward.
***BEWARE ENDING SPOILERS***

I guess holding his beard makes her feel safer in the presence of the Blood Glacier?

The English language dub in this movie is really, really bad, and we're pretty sure that most people who see it will think that it's supposed to be a Horror Comedy, when it absolutely is not. At one point, the voice acting reminded us a lot of Team America: World Police a movie that is hilarious and brilliant, and obviously played campy and for laughs. This movie is played straight, but felt like a parody at times because of the voice acting.

Yes, the voice acting in this movie horrified us this much.

Blood Glacier boasts some fun, if not fantastic, practical effects. A bunch of nasty gross-out moments mixed in with some mongoloid Muppet-like monsters make this movie fun on a "B-Movie of the 1950's" level. 

"Hi!"

Nope.

Take your cheesy pick:

"Boy, what is it? Have you crazy?"
"I have to find out whats wrong with my glacier!"
"No, it stinks of science history!"
"Stop eating that banana while you're crying!" *Best line of the movie.
"It's one less person to fart holes into the climate!"

That old lady and her shenanigans were the best part of the movie.

On a base level, this movie was enjoyable enough. If you can get past the horrible dialogue and dubbing, the cheesy mutant animal effects, and the plot points that are either ham-fisted or ridiculous, then you may just appreciate what's left on a purely B-Movie level. The best way to watch Blood Glacier is with lowered expectations, a gang of friends, and a case or two of beer. Or weed. Weed would probably work wonders here too.

Blood Glacier is available now on VOD.

C

Edita Malovcic, Adina Vetter and Coco Huemer made Blood Glacier a prettier film.