We DO NOT WANT Piranha 3DD (2012)

If you want a good movie about killer piranha that involves a ton of gore and a bevy of hot chicks showing their ass & titties (ass, ass & titties), then go and watch Alexandre Aja's 2010 Piranha 3D If you've seen that one already, watch it again. Piranha 3DD is such a bad sequel to that 2010 fun-fest, that we almost thought it was an intentional parody. We're talking a shitty Meet the Spartans type of Parody here, not a good one of the Airplane variety.

Clocking in a at whopping 1 hour and 10 minutes, plus a 10 minute over-credit gag reel, we totally understand why they dumped it on VOD; it'll piss people off less paying for it at home. Maybe.

Virgin blood.

It's hard to imagine us hating any movie that has the hot-as-sin Katrina Bowden uttering the phrase "Cum inside me. Cum inside me, I'll do whatever you say after that!" while laying naked on a bed and rubbing herself, but Piranha 3DD was so bad and devoid of anything relatively good, that not even our love of dirty whores made it better. That's saying a whole hell of a lot.

This picture from the movie is a metaphor for the movie.

Speaking of dirty whores, the major draw of this movie, as evidenced by its clever title, was the lure of gratuitous nudity. There were plenty of nude shots in the movie, but we're pretty sure that the producers held an open casting call for strippers and porn stars, and just hired anyone who showed up. Aja used nudity in his 2010 movie to good effect; Gulager and his crew seem to use it to excess here here "just because." It really is just thrown on screen in a haphazard way, and most of it was boring and uninspiring. Yes, we just said that.

Is she made of plastic?

It really feels like the producers of Piranha 3DD started off with the intention of making a legit sequel, but somewhere along the way just said screw it and gave up on the whole thing. The story was awful, the dialogue was laughably bad and confounding, the special effects were nothing special at all, and the actors looked like they had never been in a movie before. Honestly, I felt bad for Ving Rhames and David Koechner; they floundered on screen and seemed way out of place here. And the cameo's? Gary Busey and David Hasselhoff are parodies of themselves now, so it's hard to feel bad for them, but man it felt like they were just thrown to the wolves to add some sort of fun factor to this shit heap.

"Don't hassle the Hoff, bitch... da, da, da... just get me a cheeseburger and suck on this Baywatch diiiiicccckkkk...."

... and he's in! Night rocker, indeed.

We always say, and always will, that the foundation of any good movie is the script. If they had written a halfway decent and coherent script for this one, Gulager and his cast could have made a cheesy, fun little sequel for us to enjoy. Instead, we get shit like "Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!" Somebody actually wrote that, thinking it was a good line.

I honestly don't understand how this movie ever got to be such a mess, but here it is. We were so looking forward to enjoying the hell out of this one too...

What a waste of spread Panabaker legs and Bowden camel toe. Sigh.

I Guess I shoulda known, by the way the Weinstein's parked this car sideways, that it wouldn't last. VOD + Theatrical release on the same day = a movie that they knew would not do well at the Box Office. For the record, I will not accept that this movie was written and directed the way it was intentionally, and that they wanted it to be a  so-bad-it's-good type of an experience. They dropped the ball on this one. Period. See it as a morbid curiosity if you wish, but if you go into this movie thinking you're getting anything near as good as its predecessor, you're in for a big disappointment.

This movie was awful, but it is never awful to witness the sassy hotness of Danielle Panabaker and Katrina Bowden, even if they are too prudish to drop trou.

We want s'more of this shit...

... and this too, please.