The Amityville Haunting (2012)

Yes, I know this is an Asylum picture, and that instantly means it's going to suck, but they've really sunk to a new low here. Had this movie not snuck onto DVD a few days before the end of 2011, it would have been a contender for worst of the year.

This movie is exactly why the Found Footage genre sucks most of the time; it makes little logical sense, there's no real payoff until the end, and it treats the audience like they're stupid. No one in would act like these characters did in this move when faced with such dire situations, and even if they would, why in the hell would anyone watching have any sympathy for them?

No, these morons deserved to die, and it's just a shame that it took nearly 90 minutes for them to do so.

"Don't interrupt me until the threesome starts, Soldiers!"

Here are my thoughts, in bullet-point form, and as they happened:
-Four kids break in to the fabled house, taunt spirits, die.
-Family shown house by realtor, realtor dies. They take the house anyway.
-While moving in, one of the movers dies. Still, they stay.
*At this point, I was already hoping the moronic family would die*

Why did the hottest part of the movie have to die so soon?

-An annoying kid with a camera is constantly recording everything, his hot sister is always on her cell.
-Camera blacks out, flashes on/off, obviously to signify ghostly presence.
-Camera kid needs ass-whipping.
-The "too cute" youngest daughter is a little bit annoying and fake, just like pretty much every character in this movie. She's even got an imaginary friend... oh boy.
-The overbearing Military Dad, the vaguely dissatisfied Mom, the snotty and awful teenage Daughter, and the annoying gay-haired Son... some of the worst and most cliche' characters ever.
*At this point I wonder, when is the Horror going to start?*

Seriously, why?!?

-Of course, they're installing a security system with bunches of cameras.
-God I hope everyone in this family dies.
-Random iPod with video appears.
-Oh look, flies all over the window.
-This is a movie about a family that likes to do nothing but argue, it's not a Horror movie.
-"My man Cut!" shows up to install multiple cameras for his Military buddy, and is killed by a rogue electrical line. Still, no one leaves the house.
-Dad cries over his man Cut... real, manly tears. Mom sleeps real late till noon.
-Dad punches the air and screams "stay away from my daughter!"
*Seriously, nothing even remotely horrific has happened at this point.
-Family meeting, lights go out; "Don't worry it's just a breaker, I'll go check. Sergeant on my 6!" LOL
-Dad is practicing Feng Shui with crosses and furniture.
*The end of the movie is almost here and nothing has happened at all.*

The interpretive dance scene.

-I'm taken aback; there's another ghost figure just standing there... this time it's a little boy. Ooh.
-Dad is having his weekly Afghanistan flash-back, hoping his kills everyone then himself.
-Now he's saluting the bookshelf.
-Best part of the movie: "What the fuck?"That was awesome and says it all.
-First family death is pretty cool. Dad's fate was neat too.
-There are no words to explain exactly how awful and ridiculously sad this movie is.

You wanna bilk people for their money, fine. Can you at least give them something, anything, for their troubles when you do? It's almost like the people who made this movie were making fun of anyone dumb enough to pay to watch it.

There's zero suspense, no scares, horrible acting, an abysmal script, and the ever-annoying un-steady cam that is constantly present in these POV flicks... We'd sooner roll a live grenade into a Kindergarten Class than endure this crap again, and we love kids.

I'm really sorry that this movie sucked so bad that we barely noticed that it had some hot chicks in it. Our apologies, ladies.