Theatrical Review: Ouija (2014)

(aka Hasbro: The Movie.)
Release Date: October 24th.
Country: USA
Rating: PG-13
Written by: Juliet Snowden and Stiles White.
Directed by: Stiles White.
Starring: Olivia Cooke, Ana Coto, Douglas Smith, Shelley Hennig, Robyn Lively, and Lin Shaye.

We will take no issue whatsoever with anyone who says that Ouija sucked, or that they hated it, because we can absolutely see how they would feel that way; Ouija is a restrained, generic, bore of a movie in many ways, and unless you're a teenager, it isn't particularly scary, either.

I can't explain why, but despite its glaring flaws, Ouija actually felt fairly effective to us. For the most part. It definitely lacked some bite being PG-13, but it also gave us goosebumps a few different times throughout, so what exactly are we to make of it as a whole?

I guess the best way to put it is that we've seen far Horror movies worse this year.

Ouija opens with two little girls trying to conjure Demons with a Ouija board, which ends up being too scary for them, so they stop. Flash forward 10 or so years later, and we find one of those little girls (Debbie) all grown up, and still playing with a Ouija board. Again, she gets scared, this time deciding to burn the board. Later, her eyes go white, and she hangs herself. She probably should have played Monopoly, but such is The Game of Life.

LOOKS LIKE SHE DECIDED TO PLAY HANGMAN. ZING!

Laine (the other little girl who is now all grown up) is filled with Aggravation when she learns of her friend's apparent suicide, because  she knows that it was the Ouija board that killed her. Naturally, she decides that the best course of action would be to invite her friends over to Debbie's now-vacant house, and play with the Ouija board, even though it's a great Risk to do so. Of course her Trivial Pursuit to find a Clue about her friend's death dooms each of them to suffer Sorry!, white-eyed deaths of their own.

Supernatural shenanigans ensue.

THIS GAME OF CANDY LAND JUST GOT REAL.

Will anyone survive the wrath of the haunted Hasbro game? Will Laine ever find out why the Ouija board wants to kill them so bad? Will Hollywood ever release a PG-13 Horror movie that doesn't feel like it's a PG-13 Horror movie? Far be it from us to spoil anything for you here, because you should already be able to figure things out on your own, but suffice it to say that with $50 million in Worldwide Box Office, we'll probably find out more in the sequel. Hasbro wills it so.

EVERYBODY HAS WHITE EYES IN THIS ONE.

Blumhouse Productions has been everywhere this year, producing some of the biggest genre offerings of 2014. Some have been great (Oculus, The Purge: Anarchy, The Town That Dreaded Sundown), while some have been abysmal (Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones, Mockingbird.) Ouija falls somewhere in-between, along with other recent Blumhouse efforts like Jessabelle or Mercy; it's not terribly "bad," but it's certainly not what we'd call "good" either. Unremarkable. That's what it is.

"THIS HAS BEEN FUN, BRO!"

In many ways, Ouija is the typical PG-13 Hollywood Horror movie: It's filled indiscriminately with pretty people who inhabit generic, shallow roles; the story isn't the least bit original; the scares (jump, or otherwise), are pretty standard, and not very inspiring; and from the get-go you pretty much know how it's going to end, right down to that last-minute "nothing i really over" gag... and yet it's also a comfy movie that conjures up a fairly effective atmosphere.

Yes, we were fairly creeped out a few times during Ouija, although that's probably due to the fact that we're suckers for supernatural scares, even when they happen in lackluster movies. We also dug the look of the evil spirits in this one, even if they didn't truly show up in a visual way until closer towards the end. Aesthetically, this movie was pleasing. For the most part.

"YES IT HASBRO!"

The cast does a fine job with the material they're given here, especially Bates Motel's Olivia Cooke, who once again proves that she's an actress to keep an eye on. It was also fun to see Robyn Lively and Lin Shaye show up in this one, as both of them have been longtime faves of ours.

The bottom line is that we thought we'd absolutely hate Ouija, and we didn't. It gave us enough good stuff along with the bad that we ended the movie saying "that was alright." We liked it better than Annabelle, if that says anything.

Middle of the road, folks. This movie is middle of the road.

"ENOUGH WITH THE HASBRO JOKES!"

Plenty of people are going to say that we're being way too generous with our grade here, and they wouldn't be wrong to do so, but we respectfully disagree; with everything that Ouija lacks and gets wrong, it also manages to work fairly on a PG-13 level. Maybe it's more of a case of "it's really not that bad" than anything else, but we just can't get on the hate wagon for this movie... at least not 100%, we can't.

We might not recommend that you run out to the theaters to see Ouija, but you could do far worse than giving it a rent when it hits VOD in another month or two. Either way, it's not as horrible as most people would have you believe, and that's really the only point that we wanted to get across here.

C-

Ouija is in theaters now.

Olivia Cooke, Ana Coto, and Shelley Hennig bring a certain amount of sexy class to this one. Or something.