July 15, 2014

Top 10 List- A Celebration of Witches!

With the first season of Salem (WGN) ending on Sunday night, it got us thinking about what makes Witches in film and TV so great. Some of them are creepy as hell, and some of them make us hot under the collar; some of them really like hurting & killing people, while others are simply misunderstood romantics trying to make the world a better place.

Point is, that Witches come in all shapes and sizes (although usually they are really fit and ridiculously attractive), and we kinda love them in all of their various guises. Regardless of which Witch (see what I did there?) is your favorite kind, they're all at least pretty interesting. And hot. They're hot like 90% of the time.

Pumpkinhead (1988)
Our favorite kind of Witch are the old crones that live in the middle of dark swamps, or deep in a forest, that people seek out to help them get revenge, or aid them in some other selfish scheme. Old Witch Haggis from Pumpkinhead is a great example of this type: "Oh you want some revenge? That's cool. It will only cost you your soul!" I mean, she's not running a charity here, you know? You have to pay to play!

The Wizard of Oz (1939)
Some Witches will scare the ever-living shit out of you. As kids, maybe they made you pee your bed, and carry the dark, yellow shame of it with you all the next day at school. Then when you got back home, they're hiding in your closet just waiting for you to fall asleep that night, so they can do whatever Witches do to little kids when they sleep. *Usually it's just make the door creak a little so that you pee the bed. Also, they'll get your little dog, too.

Charmed (1998-2006)
Some Witches are whores. They kiss each other, make sex with anyone who comes along, and dress all slutty and have captivating cleavage that makes you rub the TV screen and whisper "Someday... Someday."  This is all a part of their evil and highly effective charms, which work on only the weakest of men (which is most of us.)

The Worst Witch (1986)
Some Witches are adorable. They make you fall in love with them when you're in 7th grade, prompting you to do some crazy things to get their attention, such as write letters of adoration to them; cast love spells made from a concoction of Prell, teddy bear fuzz, and ginger ale; or take a running dive off of your garage on a broom, because you just know that you can fly if you only believe... and then they never answer your letters, or come and visit you in intensive care! Heartless bitch, we were only 12-years-old!

Suspiria (1977)
Some Witches are just plain evil. Oh, they're out there, the fiendish ones, hiding in your VCR, talking in poorly-dubbed English, giving you Technicolor nightmares, and making you never want to trust Italian filmmakers again. Then again, who fully trusts them anyways?

Inferno (1980)
Some Witches are tricky. They seem all hot and innocent, but guess what? They aren't really a music student with a cat, they're one of the Three Mothers (just like the creepy old bitch above this hot one), and they only want to rip your fucking face off! But those dreamy eyes, and those soft lips... no, it's trap!

Who knows, and who cares.
Some witches are lame. They pray to trees and shit. Yeah.

Harry Potter
Some Witches just want to watch the world burn.

The Covenant (2006)
Some Witches are gay dudes. No, we're not going to call these male Witches, Warlocks, not when they run around having half-naked tickle fights, and yelling things like "I'm going to make you my Wee-yotch!" That's not what Warlocks do, so they are Witches.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (1996-2003)
Some Witches don't look like Witches at all. These are the best kind, as evidenced by Sabrina the Teenage Witch; she hates clothes, and we fully support her not wearing them. Maybe her powers work better for her when she's barely dressed. Who are any of us to judge her methods?

The Blair Witch Project (1999)
Some Witches don't even exist. I mean, can you at least show up in the fucking movie that we just spent 90 minutes of our lives watching? Can we get one frigging glimpse of you, even if it's fleeting? That's just inconsiderate if you ask us.

And let us not forget about the Witch Hunters that keep the world safe from the evil of Witches, because they deserve a little love too.
So love them or fear them; have illicit thoughts of them, or try to kill them before they kill you; it doesn't matter; in one way or another, they will mess you up for life.

There are so many other Witches from other witchy movies and TV shows,that we couldn't possibly showcase them all here, but we'll at least throw in a few more for good measure.

See if you can guess who they are, and where they're from. Or don't. that's really your business.


  1. Is the show Salem any good?

  2. Salem is actually pretty decent so ffar. We're only 3 episodes in (we're a bit late to the party), but it's way better than we expected. From what we hear, it gets pretty crazy towards the end.

    Definitely worth checking out so far.