September 24, 2013

Hatchet III (2013)

I'm just going to come right out and say this... I've never been the biggest fan of the Hatchet movies.

I know, that opinion seems to put me in the vast minority of Horror Fandom, but the Hatchet movies have always just felt cheap and goofy to me; crazy bloody and crazy gory, but goofy.

Having watched Hatchet 3 though, I think I've finally been converted to the Victor Crowley faithful, because this little flick was fun as hell...

...for the record though, it was still really goofy.

After the events of Hatchet 2, I could have sworn that Victor Crowley was dead; I mean, Danielle Harris pretty much turned his head into a pile of bloody pudding/Jell-O with with his own hatchet and a shotgun. Then again, Jason Voorhees taught me long ago that nothing really kills guys like him and Victor, so I should have known better.

Anywho, immediately following the events of Hatchet 2, Danielle Harris gets herself arrested after having a stand-off with an entire police station, but she doesn't care, because she has just survived her 2nd encounter with Victor Crowley, and she really needs a rest anyways. We've got no problem with that, because she's really little, and VC is massive, and she's earned herself a good rest.

All those guns for that tiny little thing? lol
Little does she know though, that VC is still out there killing people and causing mayhem. When Stretch from TCM2 shows up, talking about a way to finally stop VC for good, the two chicks team up and head into the swamp, to fight the mongoloid monster with an old pewter urn.

Typical Hatchet-like hi-jinks ensue.

Alright, maybe the urn is ceramic or something. Either way, it's an urn!
Hatchet 3, like it's predecessors, is a bloody, gory, over-the-top movie that exists only to make Horror Fans squeal with delight at its visceral craziness (Though to be fair, not all Horror Fans squeal; some grunt or gruffly yell "Fuck yeah, man!") What I'm trying to say is that if you love movies that give you copious amounts of blood and gore, then the Hatchet flicks are probably amongst your faves. Part 3 is no exception to that rule.

Victor Crowley is an alright movie maniac, but the real draw here for us is Danielle Harris; this series is her vehicle for the most part, as she goes from terrified Final Girl in the 2nd movie, to an "I've had enough of this shit!" type of tough chick in this one. She is a tried and true Scream Queen, and it's always fun to see her do her thing.

Sid Haig was so great in this movie as "the racist redneck who ain't all there in his brain." His scene had me rolling. I honestly did a spit-take when he said "Who's the colored?" This movie is worth watching for his part alone. Honestly, I might have to buy the Blu-ray just so I can have his scene in my collection. The guy is just fantastic.

"Fuck yo' Momma!"
There's really not much of a solid plot to be found here, and at times it was hard to decide whether the acting or the dialog was worse. I know this is not a movie that you watch because you want to see a wonderful narrative unfold, but there were just some points during this one where I caught myself saying "wow, this is bad."

Hatchet 3 has far less Danielle Harris screen time than it should have.

Covered in blood, still cute.
This movie exists to give its audience an over-abundance of blood, gore, and kill scenes, and int hat respect, it does a top-notch job. The best part of the whole thing? Adam Green refuses to use CGI gore on his Hatchet movies, so every last red drop of FX that you see here is all practically applied.

Danielle Harris takes a hot and steamy shower, but we only get to see her naked side.

Anything that Sid Haig said, because he was funny as hell.

Victor Crowley looks like The Leprechaun. Also, sometimes dumb can be fun.

"Where's me pot 'o gold?"
If you're a fan of the series, then you know exactly what you're getting when you sit down to watch Hatchet 3. If you're not, then what you're getting is 90 minutes of crazy gore, peppered with a fairly bland story, and instances of Danielle Harris.You take the good with the bad with this flick.

Shut your brain off, sit back and just accept this movie for what it is, and you'll be happy.


Danielle Harris is just a sexy little sassbox, dontcha' think?


  1. Just a brief note; when you say "the first movie" in reference to Danielle are you referring to the first time she played the role? As she wasn't in the first Hatchet movie, the character was played by another actress

  2. Yeah Bonifa, got my references screwed up. Thanks for catchign that and I'll fix it.

  3. That was real fun. Nonsense and shitty dialogues en masse but this was expected. Certainly they will find a ways to revive him. Or at least a new vessel for his ghost.