The Colony (2013)

(aka It's Cold Out, Eh?)
Release Date: On VOD now, In Theaters on September 20th.
Country: Canada.
Written by: Jeff Renfroe and Svet Rouskov.
Directed by: Jeff Renfroe.
Starring: Laurence Fishburne, Kevin Zegers, Bill Paxton and Charlotte Sullivan.

The evils of Global Warming are leading us to a future filled with snow and cannibalistic mutants. If you doubt my word, then just watch The Colony, because it's a move that is absolutely based in fact! *Citation needed.

By 2045, humanity is forced to build massive weather machines to combat the ever-rising world climate. Eventually, like everything else that humanity builds, the weather machines break, and it starts snowing real bad, and it never stops. Obviously, humanity is forced to migrate to underground bunkers to survive, and the wintry Mad Max-like shenanigans ensue.

Thanks a lot, Global Warming!

One day, Laurence Fishburne's bunker receives a distress call from some other bunker, and he and some kid from Gossip Girl head out into the frozen tundra to see if they can help.

When they arrive at the bunker in distress, they find it all covered in blood because everyone inside is dead... except one guy who's hiding in a room and shitting his pants in fear. Why is he shitting his pants? Because he knows that everyone in the bunker was slaughtered for food by a group of cannibalistic mutants from the forbidden zone... and they're still hungry!

Soon enough it's Laurence Fishburne and the Gossip Girl kid in a fight for survival against some very hungry (and unfriendly, if you ask me) cannibals. Will they make it back to their own bunker alive? Will the cannibals eat everyone, even though it's really not the nicest thing to do? Will Charlotte Sullivan get naked, and in a gratuitous manner? Far be it from me to ruin what happens here, but suffice it to say that there is no gratuitous nudity in this movie.

Great plan. Now run.

The Colony is a decent little flick that satisfied both our love for Post-Apocalyptic movies, and movies that take place in snowy settings. Sure, that doesn't sound like much, but hey... it's better than another "group of friends head into the woods to go camping and run afoul of some creepy shit" type of movie, because we've had enough of that plot over the past two years.

This movie wasn't all that deep or engaging, and it was certainly riddled with cliche after cliche, but we found ourselves enjoying it despite its faults. This is definitely B-movie material here, but this particular B-movie has a decent budget for a movie of its size, and it makes it better than most other flicks of its ilk. The snowy outdoors scenes were all pretty, and there's even a decent amount of blood and gore to be had.

This guy eats people.

Laurence Fishburne is always fun to watch onscreen, even in middle-of-the-road movies like this. Maybe The Colony was that much better just for him being in it. He's definitely got that kind of talent and presence. I don't know who Kevin Zegers is, but he was alright here too. It's also of note that Charlotte Sullivan is a Hottie. What? It's of note to us, so don't judge!

Our biggest disappointment with this movie, was the way that it wastes the presence of Bill Paxton; he's so damned good and charismatic in whatever he stars in, and it's confounding to us that he basically gets nothing to do in this movie other than play a fairly generic bad guy. Boo-Hiss to you, Producers!

Where ya been, Bill? We've missed you.

Had this movie had a tighter script that offered characters that were a bit more fleshed out, and a story that felt less formulaic, then it would have been a much better overall experience for us. As it stands, The Colony is a decent little PA/Survival flick, that PA fans should be at least moderately happy with.

Give it a rent on VOD now, or catch it when it hits Theaters in Limited Release, on September 20th.

C

Charlotte Sullivan can show up in movies any time she wants.