June 6, 2009

DVD Review: Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

This movie may have the best title in the history of film... *Also, our friend Zac (profile in comment section) commented on the fact that he thought this movie was homophobic; it didn't strike me that way when I watched it, but after thinking about it for a bit, I suppose he's right. I don't think it's mean spirited at all, but beware just the same...

Cast Members of Note- James Corden, Matthew Horne, Myanna Buring, Silvia Collica, Vera Filatova, Ashley Mulheron, and Emer Kenny.

An evil lesbian Vampire named Carmilla bestows a curse of a quaint little British burg which destines all of their daughters to turn into lesbians on their 18th birthday; how this is a curse, I have no idea. Hot, vaginal virginal, 18-year-old lesbians are considered an awesome dream by most men... not me of course, because I'm not some nasty pervert or anything, but other guys. Pigs.

This is so hot misogynistic.
Since this is a British Comedy, we get the usual bumbling duo for heroes; one skinny and bumbling geeky hero; the other a fat, crude and bumbling geeky hero. They just can't seem to get anything right between them! Even when the meet up with a van filled with hot coeds willing to share a cabin with them, they can't seem to do anything but screw things up! Wacky! It's basically a rip off of Shaun of the Dead, but with slutty Vampires.

If you can't score with girls like this, sex might not be your thing.
Soon enough, Carmilla and her horde of evil clam-lappers (they said that in the movie, so don't yell at me!) descend upon the cabin and begin to wreak havoc on the bumbling fools and the slutty coeds... their only hope of saving their lives depends on killing her with a magical sword, the one thing that can truly stop her reign of evil.

Yes, that is a cock sword.
Will the mighty cock-sword save the day? Will we get the lesbian graveyard orgy were all hoping for? Will our bumbling heroes finally get lucky? I won't spoil what happens next here, but suffice it to say that everyone gets laid except the fat guy. What a bunch of bullocks!

The hot, horny virgin is a lie.
This, much like this year's One-Eyed Monster, is a horror movie played totally for laughs; not all of the jokes are as sharp as let's say Shaun of the Dead, but for the most part, it delivers the goods and works. It was really just a fun movie, and it's nice to find a good, fun flick in the Horror realm; it helps to wash away some of the disturbing images that so often get burned into my mind forever.

This is also a really sexy and teasing movie; wall-to-wall attractive women, acting/dressing like naughty nymph's... and they kiss and bite each other. As a man, what more could you ask for? Ok, so you could ask for much more of it, but still, you get my point.

British Humor. Most of the time, British Humor is just lost on me. If you've read this blog for any amount of time, you'll see that I'm quite enamored with many aspects of Brit culture, but their funny stuff is just really hit or miss to me. I loved The Office, hate Mr. Bean; hate Monty Python, loved The Holy Grail; thought Shaun of the Dead was hilarious, thought many of the jokes in LVK fell flat. Then again, some of them worked... I just can't stand the dry bits.

She's not a dry bit though, is she?
Why was this movie not packed to bursting with nudity and lesbian action?!? There was some of each, to be sure, but with a title like Lesbian Vampire Killers, you would just expect a lot more of it.

Such wasted potential...
Lot's of blood and nasty white fluid (not what you're thinking, pervs) spraying everywhere, random acts of biting and staking... nothing too over the top, but standard gore fare for a vampire flick.

You would expect a ton of nudity and lesbian sex in a movie called Lesbian Vampire Killers, but sadly it's kept to a minimum here; don't get me wrong, we get some boobs and sapphic kissing, just nowhere near enough of it. (Yes, this is basically the same thing that I mentioned above, but it deserves extra mention!)

Rip her shirt off, it's your only chance!
"... and with that, he lopped her fucking head off." or "Next time, he'll have me bummed by a big gay werewolf, I swear!"

You think we make this shit up...
All women are just one Vampire curse away from becoming lesbians. Also, British women are really, really hot, and I adore them.

The afterlife doesn't look so bad.
This is a pretty fun, sexy, enjoyable little Horror flick. I would have like to have seen a little more of the naughty bits, and some better script development, and a bit less thoughtless gay humor, but I had a really good time watching this. If you like horror comedy, definitely give this one a look when you can.


Lesbian Vampire Killers is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.


The ladies of Lesbian Vampire Killers.


  1. God, I hated this movie. Homophobic and judgemental PLUS, this is not GOOD British humor - this is British humor at its worst.

    Eh, sorry, but I just didn't like this one.

    - Zac

  2. Don't be sorry Zac, the only reason it didn't get a D grade from me is the scantily clad babes...

    And I agree that this is not a good example of good British humor... I just dint hate the movie if that makes any sense?

    I'm about half and half on this one...

  3. Well, I'm not a lesbian so I cannot possibly understand but the whole "cock-sword killing lesbians and then they spurt white goop" thing was chilling to watch.

    Not only that, but the "limp-wristed werewolf" at the end was ridiculously offensive and the numerous references to "bumming" and the prerequisite "gay jokes" were awful too.

    Whatever, I'm a sensitive boy :D

    - Zac

  4. You are sensitive, but it's a part of your charm :P

  5. Though I thought as as horror it sucked, I kinda thought it was really funny. Holy water in condoms, gay werewolves etc. really worked for me. It is not homophobic because every straight people(including myself) likes to pick gay or lesbo jokes sometimes. Even check your best line haha.