Quick Review: Born (2007)

I should have known the minute that the title screen popped up that I was in trouble... did they use a Commodore Vic-20 for that graphic? It honestly looked like an old Myspace greeting Gif (hard G) or something.

It doesn't get much better from there, with scripting, acting, and a plot that are mostly awful. This movie may have been going for dark humor (then again it may not have, I couldn't tell) but it failed either way.

As hot as Alison Brie is, not even her nudity and faux lesbian kissing scene were enough to redeem this one.

Born had a few good points, and I use the word "good" very lightly:

• Alison Brie's boobs were awesome, as was her pregnant tummy. She's just awesome.
• Nudity galore. Sex galore. Even some alleyway lesbian action!
• Plenty of gore.  

Scary!

Everything Else:

• When Kane Hodder is the best actor in the movie, run. No offense Kane, I'm a big fan, but come on.
• Wow, is Joan Severance looking old.
• What happened to Denise Crosby? She's a good actress, and yet winds up in this mess?
• The acting in this movie may be the worst I've seen in a LONG time; especially the dad (grandfather?) and slutty sister. The script didn't help much either.
• A dad checks his daughter out to make sure her hymen is still intact... with her sister holding her legs open? What?!?
• "Pin the tail on the pussy, Grandpa!" That actually happened.

There's a joke here about carrying this movie to full term, but I digress.

Checking this one out because it stars Alison Brie before she got famous is understandable. Aside from that reason, there's no reason at all to check this movie out... unless of course you like bad movies. Then, definitely check it out.

I know that we say this sort of thing a lot around here, but Alison Brie is truly one of the sexiest women of all time. ALL.TIME!

DVD Review: Deadgirl (2009)

Meh. This one should have been so much better...

Cast Members of Note- Candice Accola, Shiloh Fernandez, Andrew Dipalma, and the ever trusty Michael Bowen.

Ah, High School. A magical land of cliques, intolerance, girls that turn slutty way to early, and math. Also, awkward mutual-masturbation sessions between friends, but I only read about that last one on the Internet... Anyways, Ricky and JT are High School losers who skip school, drink beer, and dabble in rape together. They live on the edge. 

Rebels with no cause, whatsoever.

Together they find a naked chick chained to a table in an old, abandoned insane asylum, and decide to use her as a sex slave. JT (who looks/acts like Christian Slater's retarded cousin, Clint) is all for the rape, especially since she's "dead," and he even gets some other friends in on it. Soon enough, the dank basement turns into an after-school gang-bang hang out. Doesn't that just remind you of your own High School years? No? Me neither.

She obviously wants it, that's why she's chained there naked, against her will.

From here on out, really horrible kids make some really asinine decisions, and flat out defy any semblance of realism with their actions. Even the girl, whom we feel for throughout the movie, seals her own fate by being a moron. Just deserts are received, all around.

Kids these days...

Deadgirl achieves a pretty high level of disturbing, that for all its faults, is still fairly engaging. It's one of those movies that make you feel dirty while watching it, and long after, which I suppose is its job. It's nasty, sometimes creepy, disturbing and horrific. The acting is far better than the script is, with the cast doing their jobs pretty well.

Candice Accola was definitely one good thing about this flick. She's a solid little actress, and also a true Hottie. Aside from this, check her out in On the Doll; it's not a Horror flick, but I promise you that it's disturbing in its own right.

More, please.

 

Why do I get the feeling that the filmmakers totally dropped the ball here? Great premise, fairly well-made, and yet I failed to sympathize with any of the characters... even the ones that were supposed to be sympathetic. I'm tired of Horror movies making their characters do completely moronic things for absolutely no reason other than to advance a plot. I get that realism and Horror seldom go hand in hand, but there is/should be a limit to the amount of stupid shit that we have to swallow.

He can swallow shit though. We're fine with that.

I know the level of ignorance, apathy and recklessness is way worse amongst teens now than when I was in school, but the kids in this movie are pieces of shit. The rape, gang-rape, "pay me $10 and I'll let you into our rape club" shit was just insane. Worse still, the "nice guy" of the group that thinks what's going on is "wrong," doesn't have a bit of fucking sense in his head to call the Police? Death to them all, and any others of their ilk.

That poor girl.

This movie definitely has some blood and gore in it. The bathroom scene. Jesus. The "mouth" scene was nasty too. There are plenty of nasty bits spread throughout this one to make the Gorehound in you happy.

"Wharrgarbl!"

The Deadgirl is naked the whole time, but it's a creepy kind of naked. Plenty of it though. Oh, and tons of rape. No fun hotness is to be found here, aside from Candice Accola just looking cute in general

"You should have fucked her when you were 9, you had the chance boy!" or "Yeah? Why don't you go for the mouth then?" Nasty.

Hollywood thinks that all Teens are blithering idiots. Also, do not mess with fat chicks... they will fuck you up.

We also learned that this dog rules.

This was a pretty good movie, but it had some big flaws that frustrated the hell out of me, and ultimately made it much less of a movie than it could have been. If you can forgive the absolutely ridiculous premise, and abide some of the worst characters ever, then you might like this. Maybe rent it before you buy though.

C

Deadgirl is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Candice Accola is a doll. It also looks like she rocks, too. Literally.

Remake Heaven or Hell- The Stepfather (2009)

I'm not sure why they remake the good horror movies of yesteryear; certainly they could VASTLY improve on such shitty 80's horror flicks as Witchboard, The Stuff, or Neon Maniacs, or something along those lines. Why mess with a movie like The Stepfather, that in no way can you hope to improve on?

 First problem: You can't top Terry O'Quinn. Sorry, but he was dead solid perfect as the insane step-dad, and he creeped us all out. You can't touch O'Quinn, the guy is a fantastic actor with sick presence. The new guy (Dylan Walsh) looks like an angry computer geek. Dylan Walsh is a fine character actor, but he's no Stepfather.



John Locke wins.
Second problem: The trailer sucks. The remake looks like another PG-13, jump scared induced, lame-a-thon. The original was taut, tense, and definitely for mature audiences. Let's compare and contrast: The Original The Remake Sure, the original looks "80's cheesy", but it's a great movie. The remake looks too glossy to me. I could be wrong of course, but as of right now I'm not excited.  

Third Problem: It's a son this time instead of a daughter. Jill Schoelen was the daughter in the original, and she was adorable; she was like every guy's teen dream, and we felt her terror because she was so sweet and vulnerable. I think it's much harder to feel for a son though, as they are stronger and tend to have more fight in them. Less vulnerable. Why didn't they make Amber Heard the new daughter?

 
Look how vulnerable she is. And wet. Very wet.

One good thing: Amber Heard. Need I say any more? I'd like to devote a webpage to Amber Heard; clothed or naked, either'd be fine with me. Or both.



Seriously Amber, drop me an email. think of it as charity work.
One more good thing: A strong supporting cast. Fine, it looks like ass, but the movie does boast some good actors like Christopher Meloni, Sela Ward, Jon Tenney, and Sherry Stringfield. I'm not sure that they will be enough to save this movie though... Release Date: October 16th Rating: PG-13 Verdict: This could be remake hell, mainly because the original was so effective, and it looks like Disturbia. Also, I love John Locke, so good luck topping his Stepfather. We will have to wait and see, but it doesn't look good.

DVD Review: Backwoods (2009)

Cast Members of Note- Haylie Duff, Ryan Merriman, Danny Nucci, and a bunch of other people I don't know.

A group of stereotypical yuppie-larva, computer geeks head into the woods for a team building retreat, and of course, since they're so absolutely clueless, they do everything in their power to upset the locals. Their dumbest move of all is when they take the advice of Jasper: the "he ain't right in the brain" barkeep at the gas station, and head to some more "out of the way" camping grounds.

I'd trust him.

After a fun, crazy, slo-mo swimmin' hole scene, the Young Republicans strike up a bonfire, drink heavily, and make camp for the night... because they need to save their energy for the big paintball game in the morning! They also need to save their energy to fend off the rape-inclined murderous Hillbillies that want to rape and murder them; and not necessarily in that order.

"Let's hurry up and finish this game so we can get us some rape!"

Needless to say, ignoring dead animals hanging from trees, random booby traps, a trashed campsite, and snooping around in someones home gets them in a world of trouble. Can they fight off the large family of "Deliverance Folk" with only paintball guns? Will it all end like Ruby Ridge did? Will Haylie Duff ever unleash those sweater puppies for us all to see? I'm guessing no on that last one.

Prude.

I was actually impressed by the way they handled the whole Hillbilly Horror thing here; instead of a bunch of deformed inbred mouth-breathers, the clan was a well organized, intelligent religious cult who just hated the Government. Fair enough.

I also liked how the victims actually got to fight back instead of all dying off one by one, as they do in so many of these movies; Backwoods was definitely a bit unconventional in that aspect. This movie is fairly generic, and it's plot is certainly reminiscent of plenty o' other Horror flicks, but it manages to be decent enough despite that. The cast is pretty decent too, and managed to have me actually rooting for them.

Am I the only one who thinks he looks a tad "dainty" in this picture?

Token black guy; check. Token Asian guy; check. Token sweet, white. Final Girl; check. Token mousy, mopey, white, "nice guy"; check. Token inbred country folk; check. Token slutty blond chick; check. Token "Bring it!" type jerk that you can't wait to see die; check. Lame, by-the-numbers script... oh, you get the point.

There's even a token romance. Aaaw.

Why no boobs? Seriously, WHY NO BOOBS!?! I know there's more to life than T&A, but tell that to my testosterone.

Put down the gun and lose the shiirt!

The gore in this one was kinda tame, but the violence was plenty; it was more like watching an action movie than a Horror flick in terms of bloodletting, if that makes sense. 

"Why you ain't make sex with me?"

  

No nudity, but we do get a bunch of tight shirts and cleavage which is still pretty nice.

Nice.

"This is your home now" or "Call me boy without that redneck gun in your hand!"

Haylie Duff has nice boobs. Also, white guys should never say "for shizzle." Not ever. 

This is "The Rape Guy." Even if he wasn't, I'd still run from him.

An average time waster, Backwoods is worth a look if you like the whole "stuck in the woods with murderous mountain folk" type of thing. Don't expect too much, and you may just enjoy this flick.

C

Backwoods is available now on DVD.

My second favorite Duff Sister. *Just kidding, it's a tie. Also, the other blond chick is a little Hottie.