DVD Review: Cemetery Man (1994)

(aka Dellamorte, Dellamore.)
Release Date: April 26th, 1996.
Country: Italy.
Written by: Gianni Romoli and Tiziano Sclavi.
Directed by: Michele Soavi.
Starring: Rupert Everett, Anna Falchi, Francois Hadji-Lazaro and Fabiana Formica.

We've been wanting to review this one for a long while now, and I'm not really sure why we haven't. Maybe it's because there's just too many new movies coming out all the time, and this beloved old classic just got pushed to the side and forgotten... Yeah, that's probably it.

Well, shame on me.


Cemetery Man is a rare movie that blends aspects of humor, gore, chills, potent visuals, and even sex, into a perfect little package that just makes you feel good for having watched it. It's crazy enjoyable.

* Keep in mind that Italian movies, especially older Italian Horror movies, usually tend to make very little sense story-wise. That's just how it is.

Francesco Dellamorte and his lovable half-wit assistant Gnaghi, are caretakers of a creepy cemetery in a small town in Italy. It turns out that their job sucks extra hard, because in this particular cemetery, the dead have a habit of rising from their graves, fully intent on killing anyone that they can get their hands on.

I'm pretty sure that Gnaghi is retarded.

Of course it falls to Dellamorte and Gnaghi to kill those who rise from their graves (aptly dubbed, Returners), and protect the living. Dellamorte is also impotent, and yet has a bunch of smoking hot women who always want to sex him up. When he meets an insanely hot chick played by Anna Falchi, he goes to see a surgeon to have his junk cut off, because she's afraid of penis's.

So she's scared of penis, but she can smoke? I call phallic shenanigans!

Gnaghi meanwhile has found a love of his own. Sure, he may be in his 40's or 50's, but the teenage daughter of the mayor has stolen his heart... and then promptly is decapitated in a typical Italian Scooter accident. True love can not be denied though, and Gnaghi digs up his little Lolita's head, slips her the old Gabagool, and the two of them begin a love affair for the ages. From here on out, craziness ensues.

There's a joke about "head" in here somewhere, but I digress...

 

As odd and nonsensical as it is at times, Cemetery Man is a fun, lovable flick that delivers equal amounts of gore and humor, and even some philosophical rumination. It looks and feels cheap at times, and it mostly makes no sense at all, but it's so charming and awesome that none of that ends up mattering much in the end.

The 90's was a pretty rough decade for Horror movies, and of the handful of good genre entries that we can recall that weren't sequels or ill-conceived B-grade crap, Dellamorte Dellamore is near the top of the heap. 

This is a metaphor. For what? Who the hell knows.

 

Why would a man ever go and willingly have his joint cut off, just because some girl is afraid of penis' in general? That's  beyond insane, and it makes us want to cry.

Aren't you glad that you cut your penis off now, idiot?

So then Gnaghi was not only a creeper, but he was into necrophilia as well... That's just great.

I'm sorry, but there are limits when it comes to love.

This is essentially a zombie flick, so there's plenty of "to-the-head violence" and flesh-eating to be had here. There's also a particularly nasty bus crash scene which had even a horse doing a double take and thanking god it want him.

Butternut froze in place, the horror unfolding in front of his eyes. Somehow he knew that hay would never taste the same again. He just knew.

There's plenty of sex and nudity in this one, including a full frontal shot of Rupert Everett's man-log. Also, Anna Falchi is buck in this one, and it's a pleasant thing to behold. There's no naked Gnaghi sex scene though, so, that's a good thing.

Censored for your un-enjoyment.

Nothing can stop true love, not even death. Also, Michele Soavi made some pretty great movies.

They have Boy Scouts in Italy. Who knew?

Martin Scorsese called this movie one of the best Italian flicks of the 90's, so don't look at me askew for giving it an A+ grade. It's not perfect by any stretch, but it's such a unique and refreshing experience that it just inspires that kind of love from us. If you haven't seen this classic gem yet, go out of your way to do so; it's a must see for true lovers of both Horror and film.

A+

Cemetery Man is available now on Import Blu-ray & DVD (It's expensive though.)

Anna Falchi is one of the most classically beautiful women of all time. Well played, Italy. Well played.