DVD Review: The Horsemen (2009)

We're still all spending most of our time at the hospital with Matt (Machine), but I want to get back to some sense of normalcy, so here's a new review. It's not one of my best, but it'll have to do!

Cast Members of Note- Dennis Quaid. Also, this is an original Platinum Dunes movie produced by... Michael Bay! Since when do they do anything but remakes? Interesting.

After seeing the title to this movie, I thought it would be about some Ranch-Hands gone insane or something, maybe killing a bunch of hookers and hiding them in the hay, or even a serial killer that targets horses or something like that, but no; it's about some morons thinking that they're the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse who kill people in elaborate ways to "make us see." How cliche'. What the fuck are we supposed to see? I like the horse-murder idea way better:

He found Butternut just as he had left him, with the exception of being raped and dead.

The serial killer (or is it killers?) is/are on the loose, and it's up to depressed and bitter Detective Dennis Quaid to stop them. He might neglect his kids, essentially leaving them alone in the world (their mother recently died), but he has his trusty partner Stingray by his side, and loves the Detroit Red Wings, so I just have to pull for him.

I like your style, kids. Go Wings!

As the grisly murders unfold, the deadliest lesson of all becomes apparent; adopted Asian kids grow up with huge issues, and are really creepy. If I say too much more, it will give away some of the intricate plot details and spoil the "unraveling" of them for you. That being said, you'll see E the big twist M coming from O a mile away... unless you're not very bright.

You know what Dennis Quaid, you're Emo too. Stop moping around.

Overall this movie works for me, mostly, as far as atmosphere goes. I love the stark, cold, "winter 1979" feel that it has about it. I do think that it makes the same mistake that so many American Horror flicks do in that they try to explain everything to the audience, thereby making it seem less effective in the end. Comparisons will no doubt be drawn between this movie and the brilliant Se7en; and yeah, there are some similarities, but not enough to really consider these two movies akin to each other. Se7en worked so well because it didn't preach... You eventually find out who was killing and why, but a lot of it was left ambiguous. the motives behind the killings are a bit preachy here, but it was decent overall.

"What in the fuck..."

Oh god no... whiny Emo kids! Seriously, no one wants to hear about your "problems" or watch you mope around all child-like when you don't get your way... Maybe brush your hair, stop writing your crappy "poetry", bathe, smile now and then... you know, give people an actual reason to want to talk to you. Sure the world is tough, and no, nobody cares about you, but you'll always have Twilight. And cutting.

See, no one wants to hear your shitty poems!

Kiddie porn. I hope I don't need to say any more on this subject to illustrate how horrendous it is.

It's about that horrendous.

Plenty of postmortem nastiness including a bag of teeth, and a bag with... well, I won't even say it here (it's nasty.) There's a moderate amount of blood and guts throughout to keep most of us satisfied. There's a scene that takes place between two brothers that is especially nasty...

Best scene in the flick.

No, although Dennis Quaid does take a shower. Yeah.

Anything Ziyi Zhang said was comedic gold, and not in the good way.

"Wait, what?"

Raising kids is way too much work. Also, don't adopt.

"This looks like the work of adopted kids!"

This is a decent enough movie, although it could have been far better with a little more mystery, and minus the lame twist ending. Still, if you dig serial killer flicks, you might just dig this too. Check it out when it hits DVD in your country.

C+

The Horsemen is available now on DVD and VOD.

Ziyi Zhang is in this.