Quick Review: Burke & Hare (2011)

It's odd to see Simon Pegg not paired with someone who is fat and bumbling for a change, but since it's Andy Serkis in this case, we can live with it.

Burke & Hare is the story of two bumbling losers in merry ole' England, who take to grave robbing to pay the bills. It's similar in many ways to another grave robbing Horror Comedy, I Sell the Dead, except that the latter is a far better flick.

Burke & Hare does have the sexy as hell Isla Fisher though, so we're not complaining. At least not too much.

See how cute she is?

B&H is mildly amusing, and mildly engaging, but it's more flat than anything else. Aside from a few laugh out loud moments, the funny bits are mostly non-existent. It's not a "bad" film; John Landis does his usual thing here, and to a decent effect, but it just never seems to make it over the top of the rise as far as either its Comedy or Horror aspects go.

Wacky!

Not funny enough, not serious enough, B&H just sort of languishes in the in-between, waiting to be swept in either direction, which never quite happens. I feel confident in saying this is Simon Pegg's least satisfying film, and I've seen Run, Fatboy, Run. Yeah.

But Isla though... she is perfect.

As a comeback, it's not such a good one for John Landis. I Sell the Dead did this whole concept better, though it was admittedly a vastly different movie, so stick with that one if you're in the mood for some grave robbing, Horror hi-jinks. If you're a fan of Landis or Pegg though, you may just like this enough to sit through it.

C-

Ah, Isla Fisher...

Quick Review: Tucker & Dale vs Evil (2011)

Tucker & Dale vs Evil is a little Horror Comedy filled with "no name" actors, that works ridiculously well within its confines. It also has a fat guy in it, which instantly makes it more credible as far as bumbling duo flicks go.

T&D is about two rubes who decide to take them a fancy vacation in the mountains, at their newly acquired, ramshackle cabin. It's Hillbilly paradise, basically.

When a group of jerky College kids show up from the big city and think that the duo has kidnapped one of their lady friends, a string of wacky hi-jinks ensues, which leaves Tucker & Dale fighting for their very lives...

Simpletons.

Now, I'm not one for most movies that involve wacky hi-jinks, or even crazy calamity; those movies tend to be moronic and they make my brain hurt. In T&D though, the moronic hi-jinks are actually pretty funny and not so much moronic, which left us all very impressed. How can you not love a College Kid taking a running leap into a wood-chipper and one of our hero's reacting by yelling "You Okay!?!" Seriously, it's laugh out loud stuff.  

Chelan Simmons.

Alan Tudyk will always be Steve the Pirate to me, but he's truly great in this too. The star of the show however, and it's no knock to Mr. Tudyk, is Tyler Labine. I've never seen the portly comedian before watching T&D, but I'll tell you this; he's got an awesome career ahead of him. Both of these guys made us laugh until a little bit of pee came out, and we're not even ashamed to admit that.

Oh, and Katrina Bowden is a fox. A FOX!

Fox, we say!

Why this movie hasn't been released yet is beyond me. Funny, bloody as hell, and just plain awesome, it's something any self respecting Horror fan needs to see, and own, else risk sucking for the rest of your life. No really. you kinda suck if you can't love this movie. No DVD plans as of yet, but when it does hit, grab yourself a copy asap.

A

Katrina, Chelan, and Christie.

Review: Drive Angry 3D (2011)

For the most part, you either like Nicholas Cage, and the shitty movies he tends to star in, or you don't. For every Kick Ass there's a Season of the Witch. For every Lord of War, a Wicker Man. For every Weather Man, a Ghost Rider. There's no clean win with Nic Cage. His every move is a gamble for his fans.

We here at THC love him, mostly, though we can't say why. Much like Bruce Willis, he's just kinda Nic Cage in every movie he's in. In decent movies, it's awesome, as he plays the tough guy so well. In the suck-jobs though, it makes you feel sad for him, because he's just so likable that you hate to jeer the guy.

Look through his IMDB page and try not to cringe. Really, for every decent/good flick he makes, 3 shitty ones tend to follow suit.

You know it's the truth, Nic. Now put the gun down!

Drive Angry, his latest, is a flawed movie. One could even say it borders on being bad, but those that would say such a thing are missing the point of it all. It's a Comic Book flick (in tone, at least.) It's an exploitational, Grindhouse throwback. A shameless action piece of B-movie badness, that manages to feel like it belongs in the 70's amidst all of the other "road revenge" flicks of that time, but still manages to feel fresh. Leave all talk of plot holes and reality checks at the door, folks, because they have no place here.

I'm pretty sure that this is how most porno movies begin...

Drive Angry is the story of John Milton (how many younger viewers will miss that not-so-subtle reference?), who escapes from Hell to save his infant Grandchild from a Satanic Cult that wants to sacrifice her. He meets a Whiskey-Tango, whorish Amber Heard, and they team up to spit cheesy one liners back and forth, and kill people. And it's great. Also, there's an awesome "Holy Gun" that Milton stole from Satan, which we wished had more than 3 damned bullets in it!

He looks angry enough to drive, that's for sure, but is he angry enough to drive in 3D? Hmm?

William Fichtner as The Accountant made the movie for us. Fichtner has always been an excellent character actor, and here he's just devilishly (ha!) fun as Satan's right-hand-man, sent to bring the rebellious Milton back to Hell. He's kinda like Christopher Walken's "Gabriel" in this, acting all cool and bad-ass, and delivering some great one-liners like "If by "forever" you mean the next 5 seconds, you're absolutely right." Great stuff.

If you've ever wanted proof that Satan was secretly affiliated with the U.S. Government, here it is!

Also of note is a cameo by Charlotte Ross, who gets buck naked and buck wild with Nic Cage. She's been a Hottie since her NYPD Blue days, and since Amber Heard is a prude and doesn't get naked in this movie, she deserves a special nod. That being said, Amber Heard is always hot to behold, and she rocks in this movie. The tough girl thing suits her well. Maybe now that she's a lesbian, she's likes to fight more? We got your back, Amber. And your front too.

Built for sin. Literally.

If you like your movies fast and fun, and prefer an action-packed good time rather than your average thinking man's movie, than Drive Angry 3D is the one for you. We need a movie like this every now and then, to lighten up the dreary, morose pace that we Horror fans tend to set for ourselves. There's no shame in having some simple fun, now is there? Check it out on DVD and Blu-ray on May 31st.

B+

Before we go, here are the sluts girls of Drive Angry 3D. You're welcome.

Game of Thrones has crashed the HBO GO servers.

HBO is offering subscribers a chance to see next weeks episode early, via their new site, HBO GO. Of course, after the gold crown awesomeness that was tonight's episode, everyone flocked to the site to watch the next one and... it's not working. Bastards. You're fucking with my emotions here, HBO! At least they know that GOT has millions of viewers.

Quick Review: Exorcismus (2011)

Paraphrased from the Wiki: "Exorcismus tells the tale of a secluded, home-schooled teenager named Emma, whose uncontrolled behavior causes her to believe she is possessed by the devil. When terrible things start to happen to her friends and family, her parents grudgingly call in the help of her uncle who is a priest to drive out the evil spirits. They also allow Uncle Priest to secretly video tape the sessions for the sake of posterity."

Exorcismus tries to be creepy, it really does. And while there are a few creep-worthy bits sprinkled throughout, it falls way short in the chills department.

That's fairly creepy.

Worse than that, it manages to use every cliche in the exorcism handbook while not bringing much of anything new to the table; a susceptible young girl; a Ouija Board; some unexplained fits/episodes; a group of baffled Therapists and Doctors; a shamed Priest reluctant to perform an exorcism; levitation; vomiting; white eyes accompanying a demonic voice; foul language; vulgar sexual references...

It's all rehashed from creepier and far better movies of the past, and not even to decent effect. I'll take a movie that's a rip-off now and then, but for the love of God, at least make it a good rip-off.

Not so creepy.

In the typical exorcism film, there's a lot of growling, foul language, levitating, evil grins and laughter, creepy contorting, questioning of faith, verbal sparring... but not much else ever seems to happen. It's like Demons possess someone just to do it, for laughs. They don't take over a corporeal form and go on a killing spree or cause mass-destruction of some sort, no, for the most part they banter with Priests, and act all evil and overbearingly aloof. That can all still be very effective, but when you really think about it, aside from the immediate danger to the one being possessed, there's not much danger in the whole thing at all.

The real problem with Exorcismus, beyond even how uninspiring and unoriginal the material is, is the fact that it's just not scary at all. The atmosphere is hardly tense or foreboding, as nothing of worth is really allowed to build to a palpable level. There are a few moments that show promise in the shit-your-pants department, but they never go anywhere. The creepiest part of the movie was the flashback of the Priest's first exorcism, and that only lasted for a few seconds.

Oh, and now that you mention it, there's really no exorcism in this movie. There's a lot of talking, but no EXORCISM. The Priest finally tries one, for like 10 seconds at the end, but nothing comes of that.

Why are Demons so vain?

This is the part of the review where I mention the twist, which I will not spoil; so yeah, there's a twist towards the end, which was alright, but pointless. And furthermore, what the hell does Exorcismus even mean? Is it Spanish for "lame" or "suck?"

I will give the movie credit for two things: first, it showed some balls by throwing some incest in there, which at least was different, and probably the creepiest thing in the movie. Second, at least a bunch of people died or came close to it, even as ridiculous as it was to watch most of that action unfold. I'll also give some credit to Sophie Vavasseur, the actress that played Emma. She was pretty good although some of the material she was given forced her to painfully overact.

More like Sexorcismus, am I right?

There needs to be an exorcism movie with atmosphere, and an impending sense of dread. A movie that sticks with the convention, but steps out of the box as well, and actually does something with the story. There never seems to be anything in these flicks that make you feel like "If the Priest can't defeat this Demon, the world is in trouble." That's the kind of exorcism movie we need. Exorcismus is not that movie.

D ...and that's being pretty generous.

Sophie Vavasseur is in this.

This is why the internet rocks.

After the blogger outage of the last few days, We lost 2 reviews; Megan is Missing and Drive Angry. Megan is Missing kinda came back as a 50% done draft, but Drive Angry is gone. One awesome person out there by the name of Dyuein apparently saw the completed Megan is Missing review, saved it, and came to our rescue by uploading and giving us a copy. That saved a TON of re-work that would have made me cranky and mean. You, sir or mam, are our hero of the day. You get the Samuel Jackson/Mace Windu seal of approval! Just an FYI, Drive Angry is on the way, along with a few others.

Review: Megan is Missing (2011)

"If this movie doesn't make you feel dirty enough to live in a shower for 3 days after watching it, you're probably a serial killer."

First and foremost, the message of this movie is an excellent one, and it's one that needs to be heard; 14-year-old girls are stupid. That's not really the message of the movie, but it is true, and the movie kinda proves it. So I guess it is the message of the movie. Kinda.

Parents of modern day teens don't help matters much, mostly by giving them far too much unsupervised freedom at such a young age; for kids, growing up now isn't the same as it was for their parents, because the Internet has changed all of that; webcams, smart phones, Twitter, Facebook... all of those give strangers far too much access into the lives of our kids, and far too easily.

In relation to the point of this movie, kids are sexualized far too early these days, and the creepy thing is that a lot of the time, they do it to themselves. At any given time on many Social Media, webcam or even porn sites, you have teen girls either talking sex, trying to hook up, or taking provocative pictures/video of themselves, all of which make them nothing more than sexual objects to anyone watching or talking with them.

They don't think, they attract the wrong attention, and they end up in trouble. That is the point of this movie.

FYI, the media loves to exploit missing white girls for all they're worth. Not so much anyone with darker skin though.

DISCLAIMER
I am NOT preaching here. The only thing better than a naked girl is a dumb one with no self-esteem. Daddy Issues are the best. And before someone reads this and thinks "What a jerk!," try having a penis sometimes ladies, it's no picnic. It fills us with shame and lust, and we do tend to objectify the pretty things that are thrown in our face, especially when it's done so casually.

It's just that it's creepy when all of this debauchery applies to 15-year-olds. So, me no preachy, I'm just sayin' that youngins are really scandalous these days...
END DISCLAIMER

If only they had never danced on camera...

Megan is 14, Amy is 13, and they're best friends. Megan is a slut, and Amy is a sweet girl who is too scared to be a slut. While Megan is out drinking, doing drugs, and blowing random guys, Amy is all like "um, no." So needless to say that in school, Megan is popular and Amy is a loser. Neat how that works, eh?

We find out that Megan was abused when she was 9, which pretty much set her life on a course for self-destruction. So, despite being a moron, we can't help but feel for her, and neither can Amy. Amy is drawn to the wilder lifestyle that Megan leads, because she isn't wild at all, and Megan wants the normalcy of Amy's life, because she is. Somehow through all of that they form a pretty solid bond, and fill in each others gaps. Figuratively, pervs. Although that is a funny pun.

Long story short, Megan meets a "kid" named "Josh" in a Chatroom, decides to hook up with him, and disappears. Amy, obviously distraught, launches a campaign to find out what happened to her friend, and ends up finding herself in some creepy danger of her own. To say more about what unfolds and how would be a disservice to the impact of the movie, so let's just say that "Josh" is a lie!

The last 20 minutes of this movie will disturb you for life. No joke.

Director Michael Goi actually gives us a Horrific film with a purpose here, and it's obvious that he made this movie because the issue of Internet predators/susceptible teens is one that he truly cares about. He went to great lengths to make the movie realistic (although some of it feels less than that at times) and he succeeds pretty well in that department.

This movie's plot is the culmination of 7 different real-life cases involving missing teens and Internet predators, which Goi rolled into one to get he point across. He even went so far as to even observe real teens while they were chatting online with friends, to be as true as possible to the subject matter. this movie is definitely a labor of tough love for Michael Goi.

At times it feels like we aren't watching kids talking via video chat, rather 20-year-olds pretending to be kids talking via video chat, but the message of it all is important, and it validates the lackluster storytelling for the most part. Megan is Missing is an unsettling, disturbing glimpse of what happens to these kids when they're abducted, only to be found dead later on, if they're ever found at all. Our small gripes aside, he got it all mostly right. Perfect or not, it's effective as hell.

Stop trying to be not 13 years old!

A few of MIM's story elements had us scratching our collective heads ***SPOILERS BELOW***

-Megan disappears, and her best friend Amy mentions nothing about the guy from online that she went to meet behind the diner? Not even one casual word about it, even after Megan's mom is on the news talking about how she just wants her back safe?

-Amy doesn't report "Josh" to the Police right away, even though he was the one Megan was going to meet when she disappeared? And when she finally does, she's still allowed online by her parents, the Police do nothing to monitor her online activity, and she just casually continues to video chat (one sided, mind you) with "Josh," even when he becomes abusive and threatening to her?

-After her best friend goes missing, not only do Amy's parents allow her to continue with unfettered Internet access, but they allow her to leave the house with her video camera to wander the streets alone, and for long periods of time? A 14-year-old girl, with a friend that went missing... and no one says "you aren't going anywhere alone" or "no more chatting online," especially once she tells her parents and the police about "Josh?"

-And when no one stops her from roaming around aimlessly, shooting video diaries under creepy, out-of-the-way bridges, she doesn't once get scared that she could be in danger? I'm in my 30's, and I wouldn't be hanging out under that rapey fucking bridge, even if nothing creepy were going on in my life. Even if Amy were naive or ignorant enough to do all of these things, I find it hard to believe that her parents or law enforcement wouldn't step in immediately to make some of these decisions for her. Then again, I can't believe that a 14-year-old girl wouldn't be terrified enough to not want to leave the house ever again when the guy that she's pretty sure abducted her friend tells her "shut your mouth... I'm watching you." That just doesn't wash.

Some of the goings-on in this movie just made no logical sense to us whatsoever, but maybe that was the point of the whole thing.

Who lets 14-year-old girls out of the house at night wearing party clothes?

Now, all of that being said, the events of Megan is Missing are all pretty unsettling to watch unfold. The last 22 minutes of this one redeem most of the film's prior shortcomings, and proves to be some very tough footage to sit through. There's some terrifying imagery and events that take place, and the ending is simply morose. It's powerful. It shook me, and not much really jars me to the point of actually feeling true dread like this anymore.

Damn.

The last 20 minutes of this movie are violent and disturbing, but not necessarily gory. Everything else that comes before it, no gore at all.

No nudity, but there are plenty of scenes where teen sexuality is both discussed and implied.

Stay off of the Internet if you want to live. Also, teenagers party way harder than most adults do.

How's that video diary going, huh?

Megan is Missing gets an "A" grade based on it's impact and message alone. As a film, it really deserves to be in the "C" range, but the fact that it works so well can't be brushed aside or downplayed. I'd like to say that all teenagers should be made to watch this movie as a warning, but I don't know; this movie may be too cruel and intense to subject a kid to, not to mention that it's disturbingly graphic in it's tone and content. Nope, changed my mind... make your kids watch this. They may be messed up for a while afterwards, but if it keeps them safe and alive, it's worth it.

For Horror fans though, if you like to be skeeved out and have been looking for a reason to never chat online again, this is it.

A

Megan is Missing is available now on DVD and VOD.

 

Megan is Missing stars, Rachel Quinn and Amber Perkins, haven't really done much acting following their work on the flick... maybe they're off finishing College?