April 15, 2011

Review: Siren (2011)

"As horror fans, this movie will lure you in with its sexy promise, and then smash you against the rocks of boredom..."

This movie wouldn't have been too bad had anything of note actually happened during its running time. As it stands, Siren is an uneventful, tepid bore.

It's a story about three friends (a couple and a tag-along loser) that go sailing, because the plot depends on them doing so. Mmm Hmm. They eventually find an idyllic island that looks perfect for... third-wheel partying (?)... and decide "This rocks!"

When the Island's greeter swims out to welcome them, he pretty much dies on arrival. He's foreign and incoherent, so they never really find out why he dies, but they guess its exhaustion from swimming out to them so fast. With a corpse on their hands, they forgo calling any type of water Police to report what just happened, instead deciding to go ashore and dump the guy on the beach. Of course while doing so, they decide "Let's stay and party!"

If you look closely, you'll notice a cell phone in this picture.
Now the good stuff starts! Again, a 3 person party is a tough thing to pull off, especially if the word "menage" isn't involved. Lucky for the single loser who has no chick with him, that they find an odd yet really hot chick named Silky roaming around on the beach, and bring her back to the boat. She seems as distraught as the dead guy was, but she's hot, so they don't really press her for info. They still don't leave to find help or anything, instead they all head back to the island, each of them hoping to bang Silky. She's obviously the Siren.

Oh Silky, you mythical whore.
A bunch of crappy hallucinations and teased nudity/sex later, and we still really haven't seen a damn thing happen. It's all kind of like a bad Benny Hill episode, with everyone chasing the hot slutty Siren around hoping to get some action, only to be foiled at every attempt. Plus, nothing is scary, and there are no murders to liven things up until near the very end (they suck when they get there, btw.) Drowsiness ensues.

We miss you Benny, and so do the whores.
I'd love to know who the jerk-nut was that wrote the blurb on the poster "The best supernatural thriller since Dead Calm!" No, you fuckwit, it most certainly is not.

First of all, Dead Calm wasn't a supernatural thriller at all, asshole. It was a movie about a psychopath. Second, this movie was about as thrilling as watching me masturbate, which really isn't anything to write home about. Trust me. Pete Smith from GenereicMovieReviewQuotes.com didn't do his homework, and most likely got paid to write that shitty, inaccurate tag-line, and this is exactly why we always say beware of cheap looking movies bearing cool-looking cover art.

In summation, the guy who wrote that bogus quote is a douche.

This movie could have been great; a sexy Siren, casting her spell over two guys and a girl, sexing them all up and them eating their souls or something, but none of that ever really happens. We do get some girl on girl kissing, but that was pretty tame and uninspired. With two sexy ladies parading around acting all sexy throughout, it makes zero sense how the sex was just MIA.

If you look closely, you'll notice a truck load of Mexicans in this picture.
And the Horror/bloodletting aspect of it all? Well the Siren screams at people, their ears bleed, and they die. Yep. It's all really anti-climactic and lame. There's really no point to it all, and when something finally does happen, we get red jello dripping from ears amidst a swirl of jump-cuts and crazy psychedelic hallucinations? Meh.

Shut up, Silky!
With little in the way of sex, and even less in the way of violence, I'm not sure what the point of making a movie about a killer Siren was. Apparently, the director of this movie died last year shortly after making it, so maybe it didn't turn out exactly as he had planned? It's a shame that he won't have the chance to improve with a second film. Not totally hopeless, Siren is none the less a tedious exercise in movie watching.


Tereza Srbová is in this, and we like her.


  1. Ok it wasn't your typical slasher film, but Sirens in mythology didn't use knives or machetes to take down ships full of sailors. Obviously the sexual aspects were a needed to establish character dynamics (Dominant/submissive role play) the third party (voyeur). With regard to the Siren; as with Amazons they were a female oriented society, so female attraction a given. This movie wasn't as bad as the author of this blog suggest; more Gothic than obvious blood and guts and worth a couple of more stars.

  2. I would like to see this again to see if I missed something . Sometimes the hook isn't obvious. A lot of people didn't get Blair Witch Project or Skeleton Key . The great Stephen King in reviewing Ghost Story by Peter Straub said that when you do a "Is it internal or external horror story or both you can produce a blur ? " He was complimenting his friend for hitting the mark . In cinema an old horror movie circa 70's called "The Face of Evil " with Robert Culp , definitely produced a mishmash blur. Another one from around the same period called " Let's Scare Jessica to Death " definitely hit the mark . Jessica also managed to leave some mystery with it and let the Viewer work with it but still it wasn't a blur. Like the original British Wicker Man ( not that abomination Nick Cage made )many of the chills occur in Daylight and in Siren a Broad Summer Daylight. Love that eerie song she sings and as a hetero male I get a Catherine Denueve Repulsion shudder when it becomes obvious that the mysterious female does not like men. As I said I have to see this again---- if I can find it .

  3. Turgid, titless, tittillation. Nobody who has ever watched a good film could mistake this for one. Drivel, from pretensiouos start to laughable end. If you can knock one out in 15 seconds or less there might, just might, be some point to wasting your otherwise valuable life sniggering at this.