DVD Review: Frozen (2010)

"Frozen will make you afraid of snow, scared to ski, and hesitant to play with wolves..."

Cast Members of Note- Emma Bell, Shawn Ashmore, Kevin Zegers, a pack of mean wolves, and a cameo by Kane Hodder!

Frozen is a story about a pack of rather cunning wolves that roam the woods surrounding a remote ski lodge, setting traps for unaware skiers, all in the name of murder! That's right. Let's just say that the wolves turn the table on the humans, voraciously hunt dumb slope-bunnies and ski-bums, only to kill and eat them in the end. We are the hunters, not you, you glorified dogs! Then again, if we humans are dumb enough to fall for a wolf trick...

Yep, you're going to end up as dog treats!

It's our fault really, we ask for it; we bribe our way onto ski lifts, we decide to go for "just one more run" as the lodge is closing for the week, and because it's so rad, we get trapped on the ski lift and piss ourselves, creating a small slick of piss-ice in our pants that makes us even more uncomfortable and miserable. Instead of just saying "Hey, good day man, what say we leave now" when it makes sense, we push our luck and set ourselves up to be fodder for hungry wolves.

Did you enjoy your last run? The wolves sure did.

Once we realize we're trapped and all alone in the sub-zero dark, not to mention hundreds of feet off of the ground, what do we do? We cry. We piss ourselves. We argue. We whine. We try to have a threesome that just doesn't work because the guys are "turtling" in the frigid cold. Then, in a flash of pure genius, we decide "hey, let's just jump down." Awesome plan for everyone involved except for our legs; they're the ones who break and shoot through our skin, and then refuse to help us walk... mainly because they can't.

Ouch.

So, with one of us crippled, another piss-covered, and yet another scared to shimmy 12 feet across a wire to a frigging ladder, we freeze to death and deteriorate into permafrost. At night, the ice-dogs come, and they want blood! This is what we, as humans, do to ourselves. How can we possibly escape such a situation? How can we ever respect wolves after they make it so clear that they hate us? How can we get rid of this uncomfortable piss-ice?

Don't ask me, I'm actually a wolf, and I don't know your human ways.

Sans sheep clothing.

How they made a 90-minute movie about 3 people stuck on a stalled ski lift interesting, I'll never know. They pulled it off though, and it managed to thoroughly entertain us. Frozen is a lot like Burning Bright (which we recently reviewed) in that they both have crazy premises' that seem impossible to pull off, and yet both films do exactly that, and they do it well.

This movie is bleak, depressing and tense as hell, and we felt spent after watching it. It's not fun to watch if you have a fear of heights either, as I felt my goods tingle and clench up on me far too often as they swung, hung, and fell. *Not my goods, but the people in the movie.

Watching three kids slowly begin to realize that are really screwed and look to have no hope of getting home un-scarred, if at all made us feel fairly hopeless. Movies like this, that are grounded in reality, always seem to resonate more with our fear meters... because this shit could actually happen. If it did, it may well play out exactly like it does in the movie. Now that is terrifying to think about.

This is why I always wear my mittens when it's cold.

One last run? The ski lodge, which you have basically cheated your way in to, is closing imminently, but you feel the need to go in the opposite way of everyone else; into the dark, lonely, bitter cold woods. Go ahead, take your last run. I'll be right here at the warm, safe lodge, sipping cocoa and not dying. Dummy.

Idiots lol

***SPOILERS*** So your friend dies because you're too scared to shimmy 12 feet across the cable above you, to a waiting ladder that's connected to the ground, but later on, you shimmy across in a matter of minutes and reach the ground safely... congratulations on killing your friend, you procrastinating pussy.

NOT better late then never. Not for all of you, anyway.

Plenty of nasty frostbite and wolf-induced violence, and some of it was cringe-worthy. Who knew frostbite could be so gruesome?

Why would you touch the bar with your bare skin?!?

None. Really, boobs had no place in this movie. I can't believe I just typed those words. Shame on me.

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Don't push your luck. Also, cheaters never win. Wolves on the other hand, always seem to come out on top of things. So I guess don't push your luck with wolves is the ultimate message here.

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Frozen is a cool (no pun intended) little movie that makes you feel like you're the one trapped on that ski lift for the entire running time, letting you experience a bit of the dread and panic that the characters themselves are drowning in. The best thing I can say about the movie is that it gets the job done while feeling fresh and new. In a Horror genre full of stale cliches and gluts of far-too-similar movies, that's a very good thing. Grab it on DVD when it comes out tomorrow, and enjoy.

B+

Frozen is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Cute little Emma Bell will next be starring in Final Destination part 12... at least we get to see more of her on screen?

Now if we could only get her to star in some sort of Zombie project...