DVD Review: Machete (2010)

"They just fucked with the wrong Mexican!"

Bloody, comically violent, and just plain all around awesome, Machete is definitely a movie for Horror fans.

Originally a trailer sandwiched between the two Grindhouse movies for a goof, people loved it so much that Robert Rodriguez (El Hefe), went ahead and made it a full length feature. That's why Rodriguez is so awesome; he just gets what cool is, says screw it, and goes for it. He's a Fanboy at heart, and he makes movies for other Fanboys. You have to respect the hell out of that.

Maybe the best part of the whole Machete project is that finally, after being awesome for so many years in so many smaller roles, Danny Trejo is the lead in his own movie. The guy has been in more that 250 productions over the course of his career, and it's hard for us to think of a guy who deserves it more, so nice job, Danny. Nothing but love.

Below, we offer 10 reasons (aside from the movie's wall-to-wall action and bloody mayhem) that will compel you to go see Machete asap. You really should go. Genre flicks like this need our support, else we be deluged by nothing but endless Saw sequels and prissy Vampire movies. Check it out:

Reason #1- Robert Rodriguez makes awesome movies. The guy knows what we fanboys want, and he gives it to us without fail, every time he steps behind the camera. Spy Kids doesn't count. He also named his kids Rocket, Racer, Rebel, Rogue and Rhiannon, which definitely ups his coolness level. El Hefe is as based as it gets.

Reason #2- Danny Trejo. The guy is the personification of the word bad-ass. Name a movie of his that he wasn't awesome in. You can't! Oh yeah, and he's also 66-years-old and would still beat your ass with one finger. 66-years-old. The guy is amazing.

Reason #3- Danny Trejo. Again. Not only is he bad-ass in all of his flicks, but he's an awesome guy to boot. The guy loves Pit Bulls, and volunteers his time to save them, and even dig them out of the snow. I saw that on TV, no joke. In a way Trejo and the Pit Bull are alike in that both are perceived as mean and nasty, but are genuinely good and kind creatures. I was going to say sweet or loving, because Pits really are as sweet as anything, but it felt like I was gaying-out for Danny Trejo a little. I think you get the point.

Reason #4- Jessica Alba. Man or woman, straight or gay, you know you'd fuck her. She can act too. Good lord what I'd give to be that ice cream cone... except for the melting part. That would be painful.

Reason #5- Michelle Rodriguez (no relation to El Jefe mentioned above.) Not only was she Ana Lucia on L O S T, but she looked really damn good in this movie. Also, she's hot.

Reason #6- Deniro. Nuff' said.

Reason #7- Don Johnson. Come on, the guy is Sonny "Motherfucking" Crockett for Pete's sake, I think it's a Cardinal Sin not to love him.

Reason #8- Steven Seagal. Not only is it fun(ny) to watch him act, but you can tell by looking a him that he loves ham. Anyone that loves ham that much is alright by me.

Reason #9- The acting ability of Lindsay Lohan. LOL. Sorry, I can't say that without laughing. How does she keep getting work? Oh yeah. The tits. I digress.

Reason #10- Robert Rodriguez's nieces. Do I really need to explain it to you?

Machete is a pure adrenaline rush of Grindhouse insanity. It's all done in a self aware manner, because it's an homage to the cheesy (yet fantastic) action flicks of decades gone by. If you can't watch this movie and have a shitload of fun while doing so, then I'm not really sure where your head is at.

This movie has been graded A for Awesome.

Machete? He banged them.