DVD Review: The Amityville Horror (2005)

(aka Just Get Out Already!)
Release Date: April 15th, 2005.
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Scott Kosar.
Directed by: Andrew Douglas.
Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Melissa George, Philip Baker Hall, Chloe Grace Moretz, and Rachel Nichols as the sexiest babysitter ever.

If you see this remake for no other reason, see it for Rachel Nichols' sexy turn as a whorish babysitter who acts so inappropriately, that she almost deserved to die. she may only be in the movie for a few minutes, but good Lord was it an inspiring few minutes.

*This review is a re-do of one we did back in 2008. It needed an update.

A creepy, 30-year-old guy who lives in his parent's basement and runs a Dungeons & Dragons club, is possessed by a spirit that lives in his wall. He fails his saving throw versus Demonic Wall Ghosts, and consequently shoots everyone in his family in the head. Especially the kids. He shoots them real good like.

A year later, a workin' class guy and his family moves into the very same house, even though they can't possibly afford it (especially since she stopped stripping), and the house isn't happy about it at all. Then again, it hasn't had the chance to possess anyone new in over a year, so maybe it is happy.

THAT'S A HAPPY FACE.

George (Ryan Reynolds) spends lots of time walking around shirtless, chopping wood and going bat-shit crazy; he even plays a game of "Catch the axe 22 times" with the dog. All the while, his wife (Mmmelissa George), is absolutely oblivious to it all. Women. Halfway through the movie, the hottest babysitter ever to walk the face of the Earth (Rachel Nichols) shows up; she smokes weed, tries to french kiss a 12-year-old boy, and fingers a dead girls head in a closet, all of which drives her insane, and thus ends her 4 minute stint in the movie. Great job scriptwriters, you sure blew that one.

THIS MOVIE SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABOUT HER.

Later, a Priest finds a swarm of flies in a bedroom upstairs, and runs to go get Orkin. The poor old guy could have solved the issue right away when the house told him to "Let them out!," especially with the window right there! Too bad he thought the creepy voice said "Go get help!" though. I'm sure Orkin took care of business either way. 

I won't ruin the ending here, but suffice it to say that karate was involved, and Ryan Reynolds' beard was nowhere as good as James Brolins' was in the original. Not even close.

"I'M SORRY DEAR, BUT ORKIN ISN'T COMING."

The Babysitter. Good god was she fantastic or what?

Overall, This was a fairly solid remake, in that it didn't crap on the original all that much, and didn't make me mad enough to wish death on all of Hollywood for letting it happen. There are some genuine scares to be had here, and although the new trend of quick jump-cuts and blurred movement was all-to-present, it was used to mostly good effect.

If you like Ryan Reynolds, he's about as solid in this one as he always is. Ditto Melissa George. It's also interesting to note that this movie stars a 7-year-old Chloe Grace Moretz, who has gone on to star in all kinds of Genre projects since.

THE POOR  GIRL IS TERRIFIED!

The babysitter didn't get naked, nor did she have any sort of promiscuous sex on screen. Also, why did they stay in the house for so long?!?!?!

SHE'S TERRIFIED TOO!

These remakes need to slow down for a while, if not stop altogether. Most of them aren't necessary, other than to turn a quick and familiar buck.

WAIT... WHY IS SHE SCREAMING? SHE HAS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF!

There's actually a decent amount of blood and gore in this one.

HE MUST HAVE JUST WATCHED FLASHDANCE.

Nope, dammit.

AMITYVILLE: THE NAUGHTY BABYSITTER.

If your new house starts whispering to you and intimating that it wants you to leave, you GTFO!

OR, MAYBE YOU KILL YOUR FAMILY. EITHER WAY.

As remakes go, this new incarnation of The Amityville Horror isn't bad at all. Most critics seemed to hate it, but you know what? Screw them. This one may not be as atmospheric as the 1979 original was, but it's a better film overall. Yeah, I said it.

B-

The Amityville Horror is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.

Rachel Nichols and Melissa George... has there ever been a hotter duo in a Horror movie? *Yes, of course there has, but these girls deserve hottest duo consideration, none the less. Don't hate.