Dracula 3D (2013)

It makes us so sad to hate on a movie given to us by Master of Horror, Dario Argento, but good God was his adaptation of the Dracula legend a piss-poor one.

The movie definitely contains some of the elements that we've all come to expect from an Argento film; there's plenty of blood and gore, although it mostly comes off as cheesy; there's plenty of nudity, including a scene in which the director's daughter is involved in a sponge bath with another hot and equally naked chick (creepy move, Dad); and the dialogue is cheesy and goofy, as it usually is in many Italian Horror flicks of old.

So many aspects of this movie fall right in line with the status quo of the Italian Horror world. Fine by us.

The thing is though, that Dracula 3D in no way feels like an Argento movie, nor does it feel like any sort of viable Dracula movie, for that matter. It's really not even that good of a Vampire flick, if we're being honest here.

This picture just about says it all...

Do I really need to explain the plot of a Dracula movie to you?

He's a Vampire. He bites people, turning them into vampires. His hot Vampire Chick minions run around doing the same thing. Van Helsing is his enemy, and shows up to stop him. People die. Shit gets staked.

That's the plot. You have to already know this on your own.

Rutger Hauer is awesome. The gorgeous Miriam Giovanelli gets naked and is some of the best eye candy we've seen in a long while. There were a few good kills. Did we mention Miriam Giovanelli's boobs?

The Master is all over those...

This movie is a sorry tincture made up of bad acting, even worse writing, and some of the goofiest shit we've seen on film in quite a while. Everything just feels cheap so and haphazard, from the set design to the plotting, even down to the concepts at play. Don't even get me started on the CGI, which was just laughable for the most part; especially the owl. That was bad.

Not even the always entertaining Rutger Hauer showing us as Van Helsing helped things much, although it probably didn't help that 75% of the movie was over by the time he did show up.

And what was with Asia Argento? Over the years she's proven that she's a competent actress at the very least, and yet in this movie she has moments of such horrendous acting ineptitude, that we cringed. Check out the clip below to gain a feel for what I'm talking about:


Doesn't it seem like it was being played for laughs? Was Asia Argento having some sort of seizure during this scene? Did they even watch their dailies?

I guess at the point when Dracula morphs in to a shitty-looking CGI praying mantis, shuffles up some stairs, and kills some poor sap by ramming his pincher through his chest, we pretty much lost all hope that this movie could be redeemed in any way whatsoever. The look he gives Lucy doesn't help things a bit, either.


Really?

There's plenty of blood & gore in this one, most notably a fun scene involving a shovel splitting a head open. The downside is that a lot of the bloodletting in the movie was CGI, and it looked horribly cheap.

Miriam Giovanelli and her naked body are a true revelation. The movie opens with a pretty lengthy sex scene, and there's also a bath scene where Asia Argento gets washed up by another chick.

Dario Argento should probably just stop now. He's more than earned a good rest at this point in his career.

"Hnnngggg!"

If you're interested in checking out Dracula 3D because its the new Argento flick, just skip it, because there's not much Argento going on in this film. If you're interested in checking it out because you're a huge Dracula fanatic, still skip it, because this version of Dracula is an embarrassment to the legend. If you're a Vampire lover that will see and love any film that involves Vampires (no matter how shitty, i.e. Twilight), then definitely check this one out, because you'll love it no matter what.

Dario Argento is old now, and maybe he's just lost too much of his biting edge. The man has paid his Horror dues and made his bones for many decades now, so he certainly has nothing to prove to anyone anymore, but it just hurts to watch someone so talented turn out such an embarrassing movie. Argento has made some cheesy movies before, but they've always managed to at least be stylish and effective.

That is not the case here. Not at all.

We DO NOT WANT!

Who in the hell is this Miriam Giovanelli girl, and where has she been all our lives? She is ridiculously gorgeous, and we need more of her asap. Also, Asia Argento is still pretty hot too.