Review: Choose (2011)

"Choose something else."

Choose is the story of sexy Fiona; a sexy girl who is doing her sexy best to stay sexy while she gets her College Degree... which will also be sexy once it belongs to her.

Her dad is Kevin Pollak, who used to be a really good actor, but is now a Sheriff in some sleepy College town. Sadly, Fiona's mother committed suicide a few months back, and she and her father are still trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives.

Aaaw, such a compelling plot so far, no?

No?

Fair enough.

I'd help pick up her pieces... Zing!

Their town is beset of late by a bizarre string of murders in which victims have to choose their fate; which one lives, your Mom or your Dad?; which can you live without, your eyes or your beauty?; which would you rather watch, a Channing Tatum movie or a video featuring an adorable puppy starving to death? We pick the puppy. And we LOVE puppies.

So Detective Dad is on the case to find ScarLip (the killer's name, even though he's never called that in the movie) before he can force any other innocent victims to "make a choice." Of course this all has to do with sexy Fiona in some way, and being a Cop's Daughter, she begins to dig into the mystery of Shit Lip and his crazy choices, uncovering some shocking things about herself, her family, everyone who is dying, and Scuzz Lip himself, in the process. You get the point.

Yes, the choices are timed.

For the most part, Choose is a run-of-the-mill Torture Porn/Slasher flick. It's got some decent deaths and gory scenes sprinkled throughout, though none of the really inspires any feelings of excitement or awe. Where the movie really loses ground though is in the lame script and the lackluster story. Some of the dialogue was so bad that they even stole the old "How do you like them apples" bit from Good Will Hunting... and it came off as laughable here.

At least Katheryn Winnick was nice to stare at for 90 minutes, give or take. She's got a great face (eyes especially) and a rockin' bod (yes, I just said that.) She's a decent actress too. So, despite her character being a moron and doing some "It's in the script" type of things, she was the bright spot of the movie.

We Likey.

The worst part of the whole affair was the ending(s): After the first ending, which I thought capped off a mediocre movie adequately enough (even though the twist was bland and we saw it coming from about 35-45 minutes away), we had another ending thrust upon us; you know, the other twist ending that's supposed to make you gasp even more than the first one did, but really just makes you shake your head in disbelief? What was that? Totally out of left field and made no sense at all on about 10 different levels.

***ENDING SPOILERS*** After proving to be so tough, why was Fiona so terrified by the old man? I mean, she just made short work of Funk Lip, so why the screaming fear? Also, what did the old man have to do with anything, and why did he show up so randomly and at exactly the right time? ***END of ENDING SPOILERS***

Rubbish. From what we understand, the director of Choose made a choice himself to have his name removed from the finished product, because he didn't like some of the tampering that was done to his movie. After seeing the pure shit that this movie ended with, we don't blame him.

At least some of the gore was interesting.

Choose is a slightly below average slasher flick that tries to hard to be a new franchise, rather than trying hard to be a good movie. It's not truly awful; it would have garnered a middle of the road "C" grade had it not been for the awful mess at the end. Still, the fact remains that it's not very good, and aside from some decent bloody moments and the sexy hotness of The Winnick Girl, there's not much else going on here.

D

We adore Katheryn Winnick. Look at her... what's not to adore?