DVD Review: 13teen (2009)

The blurb on this movie poster is the biggest load of bullshit I've ever read. "Seven" meets "Paranormal Activity"? More like "my balls" meet "my ass," in which case this movie should be called 13taint. Blatant lies like that should be actionable.

Call it 13teen (clever title by the way) or call it For Sale by Owner... whatever the name, this movie sucked. And as far as that blurb on the movie poster goes, anyone having anything to do with either Seven or Paranormal Activity should legally have the right to kick the living crap out of the person who came up with that line of crap, along with everyone else who approved and condoned its use.

Sara is a chick who is home alone in a dark, creepy house. After having a cheesy dream (that was supposed to be scary?), she goes to the store and returns to find a stranger in her house. She almost asks him to leave, but since it's raining, she lets his doughy ass hang out until his "ride" returns, despite the fact that he broke into her house to begin with.

Hours and many arguments between the two later, another guy shows up and starts hanging out too, which obviously adds to the "tension." Bad acting ensues.

Right.

This movie is so flimsy in plot and pacing and makes so little sense, that I'm pretty sure you won't be able to sit through it all. I imagine that its supposed to be a "guess who the serial killer really is!" type of a thing, but unless your brain falls out and you're blind, you will know within the first 15 minutes of the movie who the killer is. Once you figure that out, it will be another 15 seconds before you stop caring. No, I lied. You won't ever have cared at all, not even for a second.

LOL

Why would you not call the police immediately upon finding someone in your house who shouldn't be there? At the very least, you'd make him leave, right? Letting him wait inside until it stops raining doesn't make sense either, especially since he's waiting on a ride that comes hours later. And while you're waiting with the felonious, creepy stranger, you have all sorts of odd discussions and arguments, yet you still let him stay... Did I mention all of this takes place while a serial killer is running around at large? Yeah.

To make it all even more nonsensical, a security guy shows up, in the middle of a torrential downpour mind you, and he weasels his way into the house, causing even more lame drama... leaving us to wonder why we are wondering who the killer is in the first place.

Poorly acted, horribly written, and painfully dull, this lame movie will appeal only to people who like plot devices and crappy dialogue scenes. VERY LONG dialogue scenes. There's no tension or mystery to be had here.

UGH.

There really isn't one nice thing to say about this hunk of poo, as everything about it was horrible. Forget it. It's not even worth discussing anymore. Avoid it or suffer.
 

At least she's cute, I guess.