Hansel & Gretel Get Baked (2013)

It felt appropriate to finally watch this movie during the weekend of 4/20, because 4/20 is Weed Day here in the U.S. Yes, that's we humans are as a culture; we have a counterculture holiday to celebrate Marijuana use.

What are you gonna do?

I don't personally use cannabis, but I've long held the belief that our Government should legalize Marijuana, regulate its sale, and more importantly, tax the shit out of it.

If they did that, crime would go down a bit, jobs would be created, and our deficit would shrink considerably. Also, people would be happier, and probably buy more food, which would help Farmers.

They of course won't do that, because they rarely do anything sensible when there's a risk of pissing off conservative voters. But hey, what do I know about politics?

Anywho, on this, the 20th day of the 4th month of 2013, let us kick back and enjoy a flick about a Witch that lures kids into her home with a wicked strain of weed, and then eats them when she gets the munchies!

*We feel it appropriate to say something like "Don't do drugs kids, just get high off of life!" because that's the responsible way to think, right? Alright, whatever. Just don't do anything stupid while you're stoned.

Hot little Gretel and her douchey boyfriend, Ashton (he's not really all that douchey, we're just still mad at Andrew James Allen for starring in last year's shit-fest, Smiley), are sitting around getting high one day, off of a crazy new strain of weed called Black Forest. Being young, good looking, in love and high... that's pretty much the American Dream right there.

"Dude, I'm mentally ordering pizza right now. Whoa."

Having smoked themselves retarded, Ashton sets off to buy some more Black Forest from the old whore down the street, while Gretel bakes some gingerbread cookies; you see, gingerbread is pretty important in the H&G legend, and getting high makes you want to eat shitty food, so, two birds with one stone.

"

"This cookie just screamed at me."

When Ashton doesn't return, Gretel and her brother Hansel set out to find him, and end up discovering that the old woman who lives down the lane not only deals in bomb-ass weed, but that she's a Witch... a Witch that lures people into her creepy house and eats them, all in an effort to restore her youthful beauty, which has long since flown the coop.

Smoking weed does NOTHING to help you retain beauty. True story.

What follows is a series of crazy misadventures that see Hansel, Gretel and a bunch of other people who love weed, face off against the Countess Bathory-like Granny, in a very fight for their lives. They may also just want to kill her and steal her stash, because she does have quite a nice operation going for herself.

She's so high that she thinks that knife is an ice cream cone.

Hansel & Gretel Get Baked is one of those movies that you rent because you know it's going to be silly fun, and nothing more. That's not to say that the movie itself is silly, because it never resorts to goofy measures to entertain, but it is a Horror Comedy of the lighter variety, none the less. the movie takes on a more serious tone as things progress, and it all ends up being a solid mixture of bloody and fun.

Little did Gretel know, her stuffed bear was not really a human baby at all.

Molly C. Quinn is likable in the title role, and she no doubt will see plenty of work coming her way beyond this; she's not only hot, she's got herself a good screen presence, and that's a good combo. Lara Flynn Boyle is pretty wicked in the role of the evil witch here too. She was one of our faves in the 90's, and this movie made us remember why.

This movie contains one of the funniest scenes we've seen in a while, courtesy of two foul mouthed little kids. We're not sure why it made us laugh our asses off, but it did, and more than once (yes, we rewound it a few times.) We're suckers for sassy little rascals, what can we say?

"Blow it out your butthole, you ho-bag!"

 

We're not trying to be mean here, because we've been big fans of Lara Flynn Boyle for man years now, but what in the hell happened to her? There was a time when she was smokin' hot; she was always a bit too skinny for our tastes, but we can't deny that she had her own special brand of hotness going on. We're not sure why she decided to go the plastic surgery route, but we wish that she had just grown old gracefully, and eased her way into MILF territory instead of trying to look younger... which, she definitely does not.

She's always been really talented and pretty in her own way, and she seems like a cool chick, so I guess it just bums us out that she felt she needed to go the way she did.

Remember, kids: Plastic surgery doesn't usually make people look younger, it just makes them look like they've had plastic surgery.

There was no need to mess with this DNA...

There's some pretty good use of practical FX going on in this movie, and it gives us plenty of instances of in your face gore that never feel too heavy, despite being gruesome. The blood flows freely in this one, and most Horror fans should be happy with its deluge.

That's what you get for smoking drugs!

Unless you count a shirtless guy or two, there's no nudity and only some implied sexual hi-jinks in this one. In one scene, Lara Flynn Boyle tries to seduce Hottie Bianca Saad, and the scene left us a bit bewildered... I mean, it should have been hot, but seeing how Lara Flynn Boyle looks like some road-weary future version of Fergie these days, it wasn't. But we wanted it to be. But it creeped us out. Bah.

Well, at least those crazy lip injections are coming in handy for something...

This is one of those light hearted Horror Comedies that you just can't help but enjoy. It's not a stoner comedy all the way through, as the title and synopsis might lead you to expect, but there is a weed forest in Granny's basement, so the theme is at least upheld throughout.

If you want a light and fun flick that still packs a bit of a Horror punch, then you may just like this one. Especially if you like weed. So blaze up and enjoy, I suppose.

C+

A movie about smoking weed should definitely offer us some smokin' hot chicks, and with Molly C. Quinn and Bianca Saad, H&G Get Baked does not disappoint.