Quick Review: 5ive Girls (2006)

Why is this movie a Guilty Pleasure? Well, mainly because its best features are 7 hot chicks in Catholic Schoolgirl outfits, lots of boobs, lots of side-boob, lesbian ass-massaging, a lesbian pat-down/cavity search, lesbian kissing, girl-on-girl paddling, a horrible CGI Demon, and Ron Perlman... this movie just drips guilt and pleasure.

Imagine a soft-core Cinemax style porn (minus pretty much all of the porn) that existed only to parade a bunch of young, hot girls in schoolgirl outfits around on screen for 90 minutes. Then add some supernatural shit to it. That's pretty much 5ive Girls in a nutshell.

It's really one of those harmless, middle-of-the-road Horror flicks that is geared towards the younger crowd. It delivers on some of the goods that Horror fans come to expect, but it never really pushes too hard on the walls of good taste, which is a shame. This could have been one hell of an exploitation flick.

So shameless.

The classic "ass healing" scene is a perfect example. How many movies do you recall where hot teen girls give each other healing ass rubs?

5ive Girls is the story of... well, 5 girls. 5 bad, naughty, juvenile delinquent, hot girls, that are sent to some defunct old school for some "discipline." It's nice to see that the creepy headmaster in this movie is a chick for a change, as I was totally expecting Ron Perlman to be the rapey-perv doling out the spankings and doing the anal cavity searches. Seriously, there was an anal cavity search during the lesbian pat-down scene. Seriously there was a lesbian pat-down scene.

How is this even legal, let alone ethical?

There's contraband in her butt, and the sexy warden Will find it!

So anyways, the 5 bad girls each have special "gifts," which include telekinesis, healing, second sight and being slutty. Father Drake (Ron Perlman) pretty much plays the same part as he always does, which is the gritty and intimidating Serial Killer-looking guy (only this time he's in Priest form), is there to help them along and make them say prayers, while the evil, whorish Headmistress paddles them, berates them, and sets them all up to die at the hands of a vengeful Demon.

The vengeful Demon.

The awkward kiss.

And drugs!

There's a point to it all, but who cares really. It's all fluff, and the only reason it's worth watching is because it's full of hot chicks. I guess if you liked The Craft or any other "safe" Tween Horror movie like that, you may like this one too.

These girls do need discipline!

Much like the sassy pop stylings of 80's super-group Wham!, 5ive Girls is a Guilty Pleasure that brings us equal amounts of enjoyment and shame. Sure, you can laugh at George Michael's hair, or the fact that he just can't resist blowing random guys in filthy rest stop bathrooms, but I dare you to listen to Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go) and not sing along. You can't. It isn't humanly possible.

On the same token, you can't really watch 5ive Girls without digging it on some perverse, shameful level. Sure, much like the music of Wham!, it mostly sucks, but while sucking, it manages to make you tingle in your pants and want to break out in a spontaneous dance routine... Ok, whatever. We're just ashamed that we kinda like them both.

P.S. I'd also like to say that despite marrying the hot chick from Bananarama, there's no way that Andrew Ridgely (the other Wham!) didn't fight George Michael's penis with his mouth at some point during their career. I guess what I'm saying is that they had their own "Bananarama" going on. Just watch the videos man... the proof is in the pudding. The man pudding.

 

Some more of Ron Perlman and his naughty bitches, because how is that a bad thing?