10 posters that arouse our horror loins....

Whether pure movie buzz or by poster art alone, this is what has us talking lately here at THC... You had us at "naked in the water." We've been waiting for this one for a loooooong time... This is most likely gonna suck, but it has Tori Black in it, so we're there. She sucks too. Google her. True story. We're dying to see what Ti West does as a follow up to House of the Devil. Cabin Fever 2 does NOT count. This crazy Russian movie know as The Edge in the English speaking world looks interesting... and greasy. Little Known fact: I was the first person to ever make Kevin Smith laugh on Twitter. True Story. I screen-shot the tweet. Awesome, right? It's all I've got, so please let me have it. Anyway, Kevin Smith is a fave of ours, so he gets our automatic attention when he delves into horror territory. Estella Warren. That is all. It took us 7 minutes of constant staring to notice there was a severed head in this poster. Adrien Brody's 535th horror movie since 2009... and it looks pretty good. This looks great, and it's finally coming out in June.

...and 10 posters that don't.

What feelings do these posters inspire in us, by the art and taglines alone? Fear and disdain, mostly. I'm all for the nice ass and the bloody blade, but the Mafia hit squad in the back.. makes me think I'll just forgetaboutit. Capice? Shit in the woods. or Un-bear-able. I like 'em both. David Decoteau is the gay Uwe Boll. There, I said it. You spelled "bleeding" wrong. Shitted. I was going to use "Good Will Cunting", but that's a harsh word to use, even in jest. Let's just say, "it does not look like it is a good movie." Something tells me, this movie didn't find him... Finally, a movie for Twilight fans to rip on! You just know that the T&A is not going to be there. I'm pretty sure that nothing appeals to gay dudes other than rock hard abs and pouty twinks. And no, it's not the same as me watching a movie based on boobs alone... boobs are artistic, and add context to the average film. So nah!

Review: Battle: Los Angeles (2011)

"Check your brain at the door and just enjoy the coolness of it all..."

Sub-Genre- Invasion/Sci-Fi 
Cast Members of Note- Aaron Eckhart, Michelle Rodriguez, Bridget Moynahan and... Ne-Yo?

Once again, Hollywood has Aliens invading the Earth, and this time they're here for our water (because we have a lot of that.) There's no Will Smith to help us this time, so naturally Aaron Eckhart and his rag-tag band of Marines are called upon to step up and do the job. He fist fought the Earth in The Core and saved humanity, so I have pretty strong confidence in his world-saving abilities in this one too.

Yes, those are the world-saving fists.

Along the way, the Marines rescue a bunch of civilians and decide that the new mission is to get them to safety, which is extraction point Alpha Whisky Tango Charlie or something. I'm pretty sure that's treason, as they were ordered to guard a Police Station, but Aaron Eckhart is a softy, and just doesn't give a fuck. Yes, a Staff Sergeant CAN have a heart of gold! There's not really much else to say plot wise: everyone runs around shooting and hiding, and of course, dying. Oh, and Aaron Eckhart emotes. A lot. He also saves some kids and teaches them how to love again. Or maybe they teach each other.

Aliens interrupt the Staff Sergeant's game of "Don't ask, don't tell, or I'll kill your puppy."

If I had to describe this movie in one quick sentence, it would have to be something along the lines of "It's like Black Hawk Down with Aliens." The reason that the movie worked so well for us, was that it played more like a War picture than a Sci-Fi extravaganza. Much like Monsters and District 9 were more about the humans in the movie than the Aliens, BLA focused on the human condition; sure there's a huge, global, Alien Invasion going on, but this isn't a crap-fest like ID4 or Transformers, where the spectacle of it all rules the screen.

No, the human conflict drives this movie forward. We get plenty of Alien battle goodness, don't get me wrong, but it just doesn't seem as fluffy as most Sci-Fi flicks do. Then again, maybe I'm just a sucker for awesome special effects and sappy speeches. And Michelle Rodriguez killing things. Either way, this is a fun flick that didn't make us feel less intelligent for watching it.For the most part.

Spectacle.

There were one or two moments in the film that felt really... cheesy. Chief amongst them, is the scene where Aaron Eckhart starts naming off his fallen troops by name, rank, and serial number... I'm sure it was supposed to be deeply touching, but it came off as schmaltzy. I love an emotional catharsis as much as the next guy, but I prefer my tender moments to be touching, not sadly embarrassing.

Deep, deep thinking is going on here.

This movie made me aware that we stereotype rappers far too easily. We think them street savvy and rough, and don't stop to consider that maybe there is a multi-talented, multi-layered artist inside of that gruff exterior, just dying to express themselves by playing thugs, drug dealers and car-jackers on film. Good for you Ne-Yo. Now go and teach DMX how to act, would you?

"Shizzle!"

Exploding Aliens and dying humans abound, so there is a decent amount of the red stuff in this one.

The only thing naked in this movie was Aaron Eckhart's soul.

He cares so much... maybe too much!

Marines can pretty much defeat anything, Oorah! Also, Michelle Rodriguez is in every movie where a manly hot chick is needed.

Easy, Michelle. We get it.

As "mindless" actions flicks go, this one is pretty damned entertaining. Better still, it's not totally mindless; it tugs at the emotions a bit, and actually gives us characters that we end up pulling for. Battle:LA isn't wining any Oscars or anything, that's for sure, but if you like your Alien invasions loud, action-packed and fun, then you really can't go wrong here. I think it fits in well with the POV/Hand Held sub-genre, along with flicks like Monsters and District 9.

B

Even though she let Tom Brady knock her up, we like Bridget Moynahan. Tom Brady? I guess it's better than Ben Rapelesberger. Then again, she's banging McG now, so Tom Brady doesn't seem so bad at all by comparison...

If you aren't watching AMC's The Killing, you should be.

As TV shows go, AMC is pretty much the pinnacle of quality programming. The fact that The Walking Dead is amazing goes without saying on this site, but Mad Men, Breaking Bad, and Rubicon (yes, it was cancelled, but deserved better) are just as good, if not in a horrified way. The Killing though brings the same level of storytelling excellence closer to the horror arena, with what is basically a murder mystery. From Wikipedia: Set in Seattle, Washington, the series follows the police investigation, the grieving family and the suspects, after the homicide of a young girl, Rosie Larsen. Each of the 13 episodes will chronicle one day of the investigation. In comparison to the Original Danish series, executive producer Veena Sud explained, "We're creating our own world. We are using the Danish series as a blueprint, but we are kind of diverging and creating our own world, our world of suspects and, potentially, ultimately who killed Rosie Larsen." Sud describes the series as "slow-burn storytelling in a sense that every moment that we don't have to prettify or gloss over or make something necessarily easy to digest, that we're able to go to all sorts of places that are honest, and dark, and beautiful and tragic, in a way that is how a story should be told. 4 episodes in, and we here at THC are hooked. Michelle Forbes (recently of True Blood fame) is blazing a trail towards an Emmy nomination with the dork she's done so far as the distraught mother. It's moody, bleak, and above all, compelling as hell. If you haven't already, get a hold of the first episode, and were pretty sure you will be too. Now I need to go and dig up this Forbrydelsen and see what the Dutch version is all about...

Review: Pelt (2011)

"Sudden, gory death hides behind every bush. When beautiful Jennifer and her friends embark on a backpacking excursion deep into the woods, they come chest to chest with an evil as old as the trees. Listen...above the crackling of the campfire...is that the sound of a twig snapping or your best girlfriend's neck? The interlopers discover that when the locals warn you not to trespass, it's a warning you should heed."

 *For the record, no locals really warned anyone about anything.

At 5:29 in, when one of the already annoying characters announces "I'm addicted to piss videos," any and all hope of this movie not sucking on a large scale went right out the window. And let's just forget that absolutely nothing Horror-related even comes close to happening until around the 28:00 mark (of a less than 80 minute movie), because when the "action" finally begins, it's so bad that it inspires sadness rather than any sort of fear, dread or tension.

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Here's what must have happened: The director of this movie must have been stoned one day, and thought, "Hey, I can make a Horror movie that's witty and awesome!" Randomly, just like that. So he went and pawned his Playstation 3, found a group of people that couldn't act to save their lives (save for maybe one or two), took 20 minutes to write what may be one of the lamest scripts filled with some of the worst dialogue of all time, and said, "Action!"

"Hey dog-fucker, I bet you wish you finished high school now."
"Do you like a little moonshizzy, dog-fucker?"
"Sugar Taddy!"
"Beer!"

Pelt isn't kitschy, clever or witty, even though it looks as if it the filmmakers thought otherwise. I'm not even sure why movies like this get made. Be as cheap as you want to be while making a Horror flick, but at least try your damnedest to make it good. Decent even. Low budget writers and directors need to stop thinking themselves more clever than they truly are. Save the humor for the professionals, and stick to the basic tenants of Horror movies; you know, like making us give a shit what happens on screen, give us an interesting character or two, build some tension, make a story that's either interesting or at the very least, visually compelling.

Now that could have been visually compelling...

In movies this bad, where the characters inspire nothing but pure hatred from the audience, I usually find myself wishing death on them all, because as shitty characters, they deserve it, This time however, I found myself wishing death on myself for sitting through this God-awful mess. Not only is it a shoddy production from top to bottom and painful to sit through, but it's boring. Why is it called Pelt? Why does the killer look like a farmer with his hat pulled low over his eyes? Where is the gratuitous nudity? Why was the ever present "lesbian kiss" so lame and goofy?

It really goes without saying that this movie is awful, and there's really no reason to even waste a post talking about it, save for one, and her name is Amber Bollinger. She deserves a little bit of love.

Take it all, Amber, take all of our love.

Amber Bollinger plays the slut of the group, and I mean the kind of slut who begs her BFF's boyfriend to plow her ass in the middle of the forest. I think that any time a girl is so adorable that she makes you genuinely care whether a dish-rag whore lives or dies, it's commendable. Amber Bollinger is that cute, and as it turns out, she's got herself a little career going involving music videos and commercials, most of which showcase her as being a fairly decent actress... of course it's the fact that she's really hot that we like the most, but she could actually be something in the Horror genre if she'd catch a decent break or two. She was in a little 2009 flick called Sutures (review here) that was decent, so we know she has it in her.

True story.

She has certain "thing" about her, right? Let's hope we see more of her in the future, and that it involves a decent level of nudity when we do. Don't be a prude, Amber Bamber, and show us your Twitter!

Yes, that's what we mean by "Twitter."

 

Aside from one tasty little actress to enjoy, this movie brings nothing to the table, save for frustration. Go use your hard earned, recession-weary dollars on something more worthwhile... like burning it in piles to make a statement.

Run away from this one. 

Amber Marie Bollinger makes this movie watchable, if only to see her.