Review: Whiteout (2009)

When I saw the trailer for this movie, I was excited. I love movies set in isolated, snowy wilderness locales; I love me some Kate Beckinsale; I usually love Tom Skerritt, and above all I really love Horror Thrillers.

Serial Killer flicks just do it for me for some reason, especially when they're basically "Adult Slashers" like this one is. I guess I should have known that it would suck after going through so many rewrites, re-shoots, acting and directing changes, and then sitting on the shelf for the better part of two years. Those are huge red flags for most movies, and it usually means that they are trainwrecks that are beyond repair.

Investigating. You're doing it wrong.

Why does it suck? Mainly because it should have been so much better. A great setting, a great premise, a great cast... but the storyline, script and pacing were so predictable and weak, that everything else ceased to matter one bit. I guessed the "twist" near the beginning (and I'm not bragging, it was just that obvious), and it was lame. Worse still was the dialogue, which was so bad in places that it made the pacing seem even more tired and slow than it was on its own. Kate Beckinsale is hot, and a decent actress to boot, and I felt bad for her having to plod through this shoddy script. She's much better than the shite that she has to work with here, as is Tom Skerritt for that matter, and they both seemed to be trapped not by an impending Antarctic whiteout, but by the trappings of a shoddy movie.

Stopping looking for the script Kate. There's nothing around you but snow.

Do yourself a favor at stare at it for 90 minutes, and don't waste your time on this blizzard of crap. Watch the Fritt Vilt movies instead, if you want to see a good snowbound slasher.

I will say that the movie's poster is truly awesome, though. That's something.

 At least Kate Beckinsale is always pleasant to look at. At least there's that.